Him. (tw s/a drugs suicidal thoughts)

to start off ive never done one of these before but i feel like i need to get my story out. there might be details so please proceed with caution.

side note: i do NOT condone the use of drugs and am not romanticizing the use of them, this is just how i experienced things and how i will be explaining things, please talk to someone if you're struggling with drug abuse, help is out there

it was a particularly hard week when i decided i wanted to hang out with my friend, lets call him A. i was struggling with reasons to stay alive and just wanted anything to ease the pain. thats when A offered me a way to feel better. a temporary solution to what felt like a never ending problem. i just wanted to feel better. i trusted him so i figured what the ***, ive got literally nothing lose. this was the first time i tried meth.

a few days later we were smoking meth, talking about life, about our struggles and traumas, things i thought i could trust him with. i told him about how some of our mutual friends use to force me to kiss them whenever they felt like it. he expressed sympathy and said he could never do that to a person. its *** and he hates them for it.

later that day the two of us were in my room. i was wearing a sweater and a pair of pj shorts. its was getting kind of late so my mom texted me that it was time for A to go. he gathered his things and got ready to go. seeing as he was a close friend i went in for a hug thinking nothing of it. thats when it happened.

he held me close, "can i try something?" he asked. "what?" i felt anxiety slowly fill my belly as his hands dropped from my waist to my shorts. he slipped his hands in and grabbed my ***. i felt scared. maybe thats all he wanted. but no.

he moved his hand to the front and started to touch me. pushing me back slightly he continued to touch me and started to kiss me. his tongue felt vile in my mouth. just wait for it to be over.

"youre so wet" he said in my ear. id never had someone touch me this way, my body was reacting in a way it thought best despite the way i felt.

"wanna help me out?" he grabbed my hand and placed it on his junk. i just wanted it to be over. i had flashbacks to when i was younger and my uncle use to make me touch him. i felt sick to my stomach. i was frozen. i couldnt do anything.

"do you like that?" i slowly nodded my head yes in hopes he was done. i was too scared to tell him i hated it. scared hed hate me. scared id hurt his feelings because i cared about him so much.

it was then that he inserted one finger. it hurt. not as bad as when he put in a second one. id never had anyone do anything like that to me and it hurt so much. i hated it and to this day i can still feel his touch, the way it felt, the way it hurt.

after a while he pulled me onto his lap and stuck his hands under my shirt. it was long before he was pushing me on the bed and putting his mouth on me down there.

i kept insisting that my parents were coming home and eventually got him to leave. i quickly got in the shower after he left. now i have ptsd and struggle at night to deal with what happened.

the *** thing? i still care about him. im worried if hes okay or if he had a place to stay, if hes sober or not. i care about him. i hate him. its a hard thing to deal with.

if you made it this far thank you for taking time out of your day to listen to me.