I Hate Myself ***Trigger warning***
I was 12 when I was abused. By a family friend. I was confused, and felt him touching me, but I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. As he touched me with his fingers, I pretended to be all right and said nothing. In a way, it was my fault. I should have screamed, me away. But every time he was going home, I let him touch me. He never has it, but it hurt sometimes when he went deeper. I was just a child.
For some time, this "friend" left to go to our home. And I thought it was fine. Big lie.
I was afraid of others. Fear of anyone close to me, I was afraid someone touch me. Was afraid.
And then our neighbor decided it would be interesting to mess around with my breasts.
It hurt a lot, and he played in front of me. I stayed quiet.
I had accepted that maybe I was a slut.
A while later, he turned to me and said it was a pity I did not have 18 years. He could teach me to be a woman.
And a few days later, he moved with his wife.
I never let anyone touch me.
No one even.
Not even me.
I'm afraid of many things, but mainly people close to me. And there's nothing worse than that. I feel used. I feel that only serve to use.
I let this happen.
It was my fault.
I hate myself.
@MiiRegina
You were a child and they were older and stronger than you. You did nothing to be ashamed of or to hate yourself for. It's understandable how those feelings occur... you blame yourself, but it is never a child's fault when an adult touches them inappropriately. I'm so glad you have been brave enough to share with us how this horrible incident happened and how it impacted you. It's understandable how you would avoid letting anyone touch you. You're keeping yourself safe. I would imagine that it's tough to make friends to support you for fear they will hurt you too. Have you been able to develop a support system of friends or family or professionals who are trying to help you get through this?
@KristenHR That is the problem. Nobody knows. No one but you. No one close to me knows and they know, they do not care. They say I should do less drama, which was not that serious. They never understand. I'm alone.
My parents may not know.
Never.
Never.
I could not do that to them.
@MiiRegina
I'm so sorry you are so alone. Please keep posting and if you need to chat with someone, there are listeners here who are willing to listen and support you through this difficult time.