I felt like I had to say yes

*****TW: Sexual Abuse/Rape, rather descriptive****

I don't really know why I'm saying this except that it feels good to get it off my chest. When I had just turned 18, I started dating a guy I thought was so great. I was too naive and innocent to understand what I was in for (after a year of living in a public university coed dorm I didn't know what porn was). He started out so nice. We talked about boundaries and what we were each okay and not okay with. And then it very quickly went downhill. At first, it was little things, like lying on top of me before I was comfortable with it. He'd ask to touch my breasts through my shirt and back off when I said no. But he always asked again. And again. And again. And then he'd do it before asking. And then do it and then apologize after. And then just do it. And then he wanted more. He reached up my shirt and touched through my bra. He reached around my bra. He would then pull my shirt up to kiss my breasts with his eyes closed. Then he'd take off my shirt and keep my bra on. Then take the bra off, keep eyes closed. I'll never forget the first time he looked at my breasts. It was the first time any man had ever seen me topless and the first thing he said was, "They're smaller than [Ex's name]. I've always had a thing for big breasts." (I go between sizes 32DDD and 34DD so I'm not exactly flat chested). That one remark has continued to leave a nasty impression in my mind about my body and people seeing it for years. It kept progressing and he started stripping me and then he wanted oral. I thought the idea was gross when he suggested it and I find it revolting to this day. He gave me oral once and complained about it (it was his idea to begin with). He insisted I shave my crotch area even though I have a skin condition that meant I got painful cuts and bled from it. He constantly looked at porn and told me about it even though he knew it hurt me and made me feel like I was failing him. I starved myself and upped my exercise so that I could be attractive enough for him. I was so miserable with him that all of my relationships suffered and I had virtually no friends throughout college.

If anyone is reading this and wants a happy ending, the guy I'm with now is amazing. Super patient and gentle and never pushes me. Is understanding of my issues with my body and with the idea of sex and just tells me I'm beautiful and he's happy taking it slow. I just wish I didn't still have trust issues and that I felt like I deserved him now.