I finally told my father about my childhood sexual abuse...he called me a liar
I experienced a lot of sexual abuse as a child. It started off as molestation and escalated to rape and sodomy at the hands of my uncle. My father, to my belief as a child, did not see or know about any of it. I was able to stop the abuse at about the age of 12. As an adult, I have dealt with a lot of my trauma and I am still dealing with it. My therapist and I talked a lot about me telling my father about it, especially since he is friends with his brother-in-law. I finally did tell my father. His response is still something I am trying to process and I'm having a lot of trouble processing it. I don't know if anyone has any advice on how to help processing this and how to not fly into a fit of blind rage when I am forced to deal with him over the next couple of months via email.
When I told him about the abuse, he proceeded to tell me that he didn't believe me at all and that he would be calling and asking this man for his side of the story and he would believe whatever this man said. I was outraged at this. My father continued to tell me that he didn't believe me and that even if it was true, that it would be my fault. He did call my uncle and ask him if what I was telling him was true, to which the man denied everything. My father came back at me, calling me a liar and asking why I would be so disrespectful.
In being able to process his response slightly over the last 3.5, almost 4, weeks I have come to some horrible realizations that I cannot deny any longer. My father had to of known about the abuse at some point in time and choose to ignore it, choose to trade that for the "free childcare and car rides to after school activities" he received from my aunt and uncle for years. As a single parent, I understand he needed help. As a human being, I cannot understand why I had to be traded for these things. I cannot understand why he blames me, why he doesn't believe me. I've worked so hard to overcome this for so many years but his reaction has caused me to feel like a child again. When I have to interact with him via email (legally required until the end of year), just seeing his name in my inbox causes me to become so filled with rage it is scary even to me.
I know that I need to process what has been going on but it is difficult to know where to begin or how to process something like this. I honestly did not expect this reacting from him. I prepared for a lot of different reactions but I really believed that he would always believe me...
@bubbleSnow2495
Hey Snow... thank you very much for sharing a bit of your story with us... well, what can I say, I am really sorry that your father didn't believe you and you have been treated in such a disrespectful way by him... that's not at all what a parent should ever be like, definitely not and I am very sorry that onto your additional trauma you now also have to deal with your father's response... and this definitely is sth really hard to process... but I am glad to hear you have a therapist to work on all of that and I hope you also can find some additional support around here 
you are very welcome to participate around the forums, in the daily check-in threads, make your own diary in the diary section, hit up a chatroom or talk to a listener feel free to pm me whenever you feel like... sending you lots of strength and some hugs if you need them
@ImperfectCherry,
Thank you Cherry for your words. My therapist is actually pretty far away currently - we were going to try and set up a skype session but it hasn't happened yet. It's been difficult without that support, especially when I'm use to it now. It's just been hard and I don't know anyone who's been through this or if there is anything that can be said. I appreciate being able to share and seek support here.
@bubbleSnow2495
hey Snow, sorry to hear your therapist is too far away atm, a skype session sounds good though, hope that can happen soon.... Well, actually it isn't that uncommon that survivors of abuse aren't believed, especially if the abuser is somebody close to the family the rest of the family often doesn't want to see or admit what happened... Admitting that the abuse has happened, within or close to the family, would mean that they, in this cas your father, is at fault too, cause he didn't see it, didn't stop it... So you are definitely not alone with your experiences...
sharing and talking around here of course isn't a substitute for therapy, but you will find people with similar experiences and fears, you are not alone here if you need or wish... sending you some Hugs
@bubbleSnow2495 I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're not alone.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea,
Thank you for your words. I feel alone, though I know I'm not. Part of it, I know, is that I have never spoken to anyone else who has been through something similar. Every time I've talked to someone they either had not yet told or their parent(s) believed them. It's just felt so isolating.
@bubbleSnow2495 It's my understanding (unfortunately) is that this is frighteningly common: that there's a very good chance it's a family member or someone close to the family and the child never tells due to a reaction like this.
Again, I'm really sorry and hope you find a more supportive and helpful environment.
Dear Bubble Snow,
First off as a fellow survivor, may I say you are so brave and well done for beginning your process of healing. The fact that you are willing to start speaking to others about your experiences and to speak to a therapist is brilliant.
The next thing I will say is that I am so sorry you have been put in this situation. What you father has done is very wrong, I'm afraid to say. Your uncle's actions constitute as a crime in many countries around the world. If the country you are speaking from has rules about child abuse and child rape then due process (as in legal process) must be followed and dependant on how you feel you may ask for legal help. But that depends on you and from the sounds of it the power your uncle may have over your family and community.
However as a fellow survivor may I offer some coping strategies?
1. Regardless of the law of your particular country, on an ethical level it is not your responsibility to prove yourself. Relatives, friends, colleagues and society at large can think what they like. You know what happened to you and it's after effects.
2. If you do go down the course of police intervention make sure you have a support unit around you. Your counsellor and police advisor where possible. Other survivors across the world who can guide you on how the process works and what to look out for. People you can cry to and scream at. And those who will tell you, you are strong and battling for your right to be recognised for how you made it through.
3. (This comes from my play so bear with me on how poetic it sounds.) The child survived! What I mean here is that you made it through a horrible time in your life at your most vulnerable. You even did it with grace as it seems your own parent "didn't know". So you did it calmly and held your pain back for others. That is a very strong child. Many adults could not cope with that kind of pressure but you did. If you did that in your formative years imagine what you can do now as adult. You are also raising another person even with all that pain and rejection. That is a very strong person indeed.
4. Remind yourself that you are part of a unique network of people who "know how it feels." Any time you are alone know there is a lady in London thinking of you. Or a dude in Arkansas. Two kids in Tokyo or an old man in Pakistan who grew up when sexual abuse wasnt a word in the human language. All these people have recorded their experiences somewhere on the internet. Read as widely as you can about other survivors and know you are never alone on your journey.
The rest of the world wide network is there if you need us.
Gen #metoo
Also as an addition if your father tells you must confront your uncle and "apologise" or any of that sort of thing you have all the right to say no. If he makes it difficult for you financially or socially because of the refusal let survivor projects in your area know. If you can't find any ask your counsellor or research online. Basically get an arbitator in to help. We taught as children, ironically that our families are the ones to help/save us in situations such as these. But as your perp was your uncle (mine was my grandfather) it's pretty easy to see why family isn't always the best option. There are tonssssss of resources out there to protect and support you at this time. Just make sure you go to help from someone certified. His actions were illegal not your response to them. You are the one to be apologised to!
