Is this assault? ***Trigger Warning****
I was taken to a nudist beach in Gran Canaria in January with my partner at the time. As far as I knew, we were just sunbathing. My partner kept pushing for me to 'try new things' & wanted me to have sex with someone else for him to watch. I didn't want to do this.
The day went on and I managed to say no all day. Then he allowed someone to massage me, which I felt was 'OK' because they were not touching me and as soon as it went 'too far' I said no.
Later on, I made a comment when a nice looking guy walked past. Just said that he was nice looking. I didn't wish anything of it at all.
My partner disappeared for a while and when he came back, he brought the man back with him. He asked him to massage me whilst he watched. I wasn't keen at all on the idea but he wasn't doing anything 'wrong'.
Then my partner threw a condom onto my chest and insisted that the man have sex with me. By now there were many people around. I shook my head and told my partner 'no' so many times, but instead he just gave the man thumbs up and allowed him to have sex with me. I laid there not moving or doing anything, wishing the whole thing would just finish.
As soon as it was 'done' I lost it & we left.
Is this assault? I can't help but feel that because I didn't say no to the man that he didn't care much. And because I said he was nice looking, I can't help but feel it's my fault.
Now, the thought of having sex with anyone physically repulses me & I try to avoid thinking about it at all costs.
I'm so confused, someone please help.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you! This is assault.
Sexual assault and rape doesn't have to be physically forcing someone down. It can include coercion, and not respecting the other person's right to refuse to consent to sex. In this case, it seems like your partner ignored your repeated refusals and made this man have sex with you regardless. That's assault.
Please please consider contacting rainn.org or thehotline.org or any other sexual assault hotlines for additional support. The feeling of being physically repulsed by sex, being shocked when the man was having sex with you, and self-blame are all things that other survivors have been through. Having some extra support can be a very comforting thing.
@AdVictoriam Thankyou for your response. I wanted to be absolutely sure on this as I've been feeling awful but always felt I was being silly as he told me that I'm the one that caused it.
At the moment, I am not in a great place to want to speak with someone about it. But thanks so much for your advice. I can only hope that in time my anxiety will lift and I'll be able to talk about what I went through. Because it is already taking over my mind.
I have no idea how people can deal with this, it's absolutely awful & I cannot help but feel a huge amount of disappointment that the person who promised to protect me allowed me to go through this.
I am pleased to say, that we are no longer in a relationship, because of this and many other reasons. It's already done a great deal for my anxiety, as I am no longer treading on eggshells to please someone who will never be pleased. Now it's time to get over the damage he has done, I guess.
Thanks again.
@Loxleyk1
You don't need to talk if you don't want to. Sometimes just going and hearing other's experiences and journeys can help because it allows you to know that you're not alone. One of the hardest part about being a survivor is a feeling of loneliness and isolation, and just knowing that others have felt the same way can have a tremendously relieving effect.
I'm grateful that you two are no longer together, because it sounds like he did a lort of harm. l wish you so much compassion and love and support as you begin your healing process. You are a shining star, and you deserve to be treated with respect and love, no matter what.
Thank you for taking the courage to share what little you did share, because I'm sure it was a tremendous feat. I want to reassure you once again that none of this is your fault, and you are not to blame.
If you ever need to talk, you can always drop me a message.
<3
@Loxleyk1
So happy to hear you got yourself out of the relationship. Drop a line if you need to talk.
@Loxleyk1
I'm kind of sure you got your answer already but I just want to say that you should be in complete control of your own body and you should do what you feel you want. I really think that he was pressuring you because he knew he will get his way sometimes you just have to put your foot down and be very strong in your answers.
@Fear333 I wish I could have put my foot down. However, he was an emotionally and physically abusing man. Hence the anxiety now. He managed to tear me down to the point where I placed all of my emotions in his control until I became reliant on him. So yes, I appreciate that I should have 'put my foot down' but I couldn't.
We are no longer together so this is not an issue anymore.