It's been a hard week
Triggers sa and abuse
This past week I went over my sa to the best of my memory. I was only about 3 or 4 (can't remember if I had my birthday yet or not) so i was only alittle kid. The reason I did this was hopefully to be able to put it behind me, to be able to move forward and gain my power back but I feel like it's gained more power over me. Small things have been triggering me and I've been have panic attacks left and right, nightmares, and I was also thrown into a downward spiral of depression. I feel even worst that my kids and husband has to me like this. I'm trying everything to put kn the bravest face I can but I feel like that scared kid again alone in her room after her brother just left him he was done. I feel like the kid who's parent's didn't believe her and took it out on her for years to come by telling her she was nothing and worthless. I feel useless when i feel this way. My husband can see it and has been so patient and loving. Reminding me that I don't need to say I'm sorry for tiny things, for crying when the emotions just get to overwhelming. I just want to be able to put my past behind me and to beable to focus on my truly loving family that i love being around and that makes me happy. I'm hoping that maybe writing this out will help me move forward.
@Casmagicangel
Hello Cas 💛
Putting your thoughts and feelings out does help to feel light and somewhat feel in control. Writing can also help in putting words to strong emotions and analysing things to heal. I am so happy for you that you have got such a loving family. It's rare to have supporting husband but the ones who understand can make a big beautiful change towards healing.
I am kind of living through something similar where my dad is very understanding and he is supporting me and I at times feel like I should stay happy in front of my family, spend good time with them, give them my time and they shouldn't see me cry because that might burden them. I relate to feeling this way that we need to look strong.
I typed these out so that you could feel less alone like I felt after reading your post❤ whatever happened to you Cas was horrible and more challenging to deal with as your child self couldn't find support at the right time. Some traumas do haunt us for a very long time which is normal because they are just so deep wounds that someone's actions can cause.
Everytime you feel low, get panic attacks, flashbacks (which are normal to feel) you can try reminding yourself that you have come a long way. Keep writing Cas ❤