Loss of trust.
When I was a kid I was very curious, so at about 12 going on 13 years of age I had decided to explore what porn was. I'd heard about it round my housing estate but I didn't really know what it was. I also didn't know about clearing a browser history. I thought that I got very lucky when my older brother sat me down in the living room one evening and told me that my mom had asked him to look through the browser history for anything suspicious. I especially thought so when he told me that he hadn't told her. That feeling of luck swiftly passed as he informed me that there was a price for him not telling my mother. And whilst he posed it in such a way that it sounded fair, it was still blackmail none the less. From that day till a couple of months after I turned 15 he sexually abused me. At the time I convinced myself that I was ok with it and that I could handle it. As he put it it was just "practice" for when we got into real relationships. He had me convinced that it had to be our little secret. Eventually he stopped it all, presumably when the guilt finally got the best of him. We haven't spoken about any of it since it all stopped, I think he still believes that I was ok with what happened.
Nowadays I mostly just hate myself for letting it happen. I could have said something to anyone, hell if I had just said no the first time. I don't think he would have hurt me. I feel like he really would have just let me away with it. He took so much from me and I stayed silent. I'm still silent. And it's not even like I want to go to the police because at the end of the day he is still my brother and despite it all I still love him. But I can't even tell my own father about any of it. My mom knows but because of his problems with depression and her worry about what he would do she hasn't even spoken to him about it. She said she wouldn't let him away with it but he's still her son.
Worst part is, is the thought of if he did this to anyone else. If I let it happen to some other poor defenseless young girl. If it happend to my niece.... Well I don't think I could live with myself knowing that if I had just said something nothing could have happened.
@Crimson0715
You're very brave to have shared your story, and I'm sorry you'd not received a reply to your post. I'm sure it's more about not knowing what to say, rather than lack of caring. I hope you've not given up on 7 cups.....I know from personal experience what a huge source of support it can be.
I just wanted to stress this is not your fault. Your brother's abuse of you is wrong......sexual abuse or sexual power over another is never excusable. It must be hard for you knowing your mom knows, but that she hadn't chosen to address it with him. It's hard sometimes for situations to be addressed for fear of the repercussions for others, but your feelings matter too......they're very important.
You say you could have stopped it......I would question that. These things can be such a shock, you were also fearful, it's very understandable that you stayed silent. The real point here is you should never have been put in the position to feel you should have stopped it. Your brother should not have done it.
You expressed concern that your brother may be a risk towards other females. This is a very real concern. It's left you in a very difficult position. But please remember, whatever happens in the future, it's your brother who is responsible for his actions, not you. I wonder if this is something you could talk to your mom about, to consider if there are safeguards that need putting in place.
But it's worth repeating, because it is so important......your needs are equally important to anyone elses in this. So although you may feel pulls from other family members as to potential fallout from this, your brother has created this, not you. He is the one who has done wrong, not you. Please put your needs first.
@DeborahUK
Thank you... I don't really know what to say. Obviously this is something I am still coming to terms with and I think part of me is starting to accept what actually happened.
I doubt I'll ever be 100% ok, especially given that I don't think I will ever actually get to speak out about what happened. I've tried talking to my mom but every time I just feel more guilty and she reminds me of the potential problems which would arise were we to tell people.
My only hope for now is to find a way of coping with all of this.
@Crimson0715
It sounds like you're being put in a very difficult position, being made to feel guilty for someone else's crime. Once again, remember, you did nothing wrong. It can be had to see a resolution sometimes, it can be hard to imagine accepting a situation and moving on from it. But with time and support I believe it's possible. In fact I know it is.
Although everyone's different, I would liken the process to be similar to that of grieving. That sense of disbelief, anger, self blame, the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. The end goal being acceptance.....that's not to say what happened to you was right, rather that it happened, you can't change it, so you have to find a point where you can accept it as part of your history, guilt free, shame free.
I heard it said that living with the guilt and shame of sexual abuse is like serving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit. That guilt and shame belongs to your brother, not to you. Your challenge is to find a way to let that go, to leave it at your brothers door so you can move on without being burdened by it.
@DeborahUK
I never really thought of it like grief it's an interesting way of looking at it.
It's hard to come to terms with it when I have no way of properly dealing with it all. I thought that once I had it said to my mother it was all over but now I just feel even more trapped than before.
Sometimes I wish there was a step by step guide for these things or at least that if anything had to happen that it would have been a stranger that did it so I could actually deal with it all.
I am finding that 7 cups helps. Mainly just to be able to talk about it all without fear of anything bad happening.
@Crimson0715
Dear Crimson,
You've experienced the most awful event especially from someone so close, it is an experience that no one should have to go through and the pain associated with this must be immense. It will have changed you forever but there is still healing to be done for you whilst you'll never forget the event you can move on. It must be so heartbreaking especially from someone that you thought you could trust and those feelings associated with your mother not confronting your brother. If you feel comfortable to talk about what he did to you on 7cups, it may form as part of a release to slowly begin the healing process. Have you experienced flashbacks of the event? What is your relationship like with him now?
With regards to this happening again to your niece, you can not blame yourself for the actions of another person. You did nothing wrong and what you went through is huge and damaging. Do you think you would talk out about this at any point?
Whilst you may feel like you cannot talk to your brother now for many reasons, is there anything you would like to say to him?
We are all here for you on 7Cups. This is a safe space for you.
Lisa
... and you did not allow this to happen. You were young and whilst you were probably aware of how wrong his behaviour was... you were too frightened to speak out. You stayed silent because you were afraid and worried of the consequences and I'm sure you were trying to protect your brother despite the things he did to you. Please do not blame yourself, you could not have changed this or prevented it and none of this is your fault.
Have you seen a therapist before?
@OceanCounselling
First of all thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply, for obvious reasons this is all very hard for me to talk about.
Whilst part of me, a very small part, wants to talk out about it, I couldn't it goes against every fiber in my body. Whilst I know what he did was wrong and I should not have to deal with it myself, at this stage there's no real way of proving what happened and all I'd really do is be ruining his life and I couldn't do that to someone no matter who they are or what they have done to me. I do have a few friends and a boyfriend though who know everything and are able to some amount support me. Though part of me regrets telling my boyfriend as he has never met my brother and I feel like I cannot make an introduction for fear he would do or say something out of anger.
As for what I'd say to him, not a clue really. I'm not sure there's anything that I could say to him or he could say to me that would make me feel better.
I have never been to a therapist but I did go to a counselor who works with an organization that helps those who have suffered sexual assaults and abuse. I went for about three months and it helped for a little while and mainly helped me stop self-harming but after a certain point we were just going in circles and I stopped getting anything useful from the sessions.
@Crimson0715
You've made a huge step in replying to my message to you, it must have brought up many uncomfortable feelings for you. It's absolutely devestating when the victims almost feel like they are responsible if they do talk out about the abuse. You do not have to take on the feelings of guilt because none of this was your fault but of course I know that stating that doesn't help you to move on because it sounds like you're stuck in the guilt.
I'm glad to hear you've been to see a therapist before as any kind of abuse can leave you with deep and complex traumas which unravel in your daily lives if left to fester. For you though, what have you tried to release this inner conflict? Some ways that others have tried may include journalling (leave it ALL in, don't edit and write whatever you feel like writing - burn it if you must :) ), exercise, practising self-care and mindfulness and generally just taking time out to focus on you. Coming onto these forums is a really big move for you too and I'm so glad you've reached out. Has it felt a relief to talk out even on here?
I'm glad you've confided in your boyfriend and have you spoken to him about your fears of him meeting your brother? It's understandable that he would be angry but remember, you are not responsible for anyones actions. Above all, be kind to yourself... the healing can and will happen. It will time time but it IS possible :)
Lisa
@OceanCounselling
First off, thank you. It is very hard for me to talk about all of this, particularly after so many years of hiding all of this.
I wouldn't really say that I am necessarily taking on guilt at the potential of talking though I could see how it would look that way. Realistically I know at this stage that it was not my fault but that's not what is holding me back ( or at least I don't think it is). My family is divided enough. My parents split when I was seven and we have alternated staying at our moms and dads house at the weekends ever since. Not that long after my sister and father had a falling out when she turned 18 and she hasn't spoken to him in almost 12 years. It was very easy for everything that happened to go under the radar and I don't want my father to feel responsible, especially given that it all started at his house. Most importantly I don't want to divide the house anymore and as I said I don't want to ruin my brothers life.
As far as the therapist goes, I pretty much reached rock bottom and got to a point where I realized I had to talk to someone and soon. I was so depressed about everything and tbh feeling so guilty about it all that I did everything but commit suicide. I got to a very dark place where I was cutting regularly, almost to the point of addiction. At one stage I had over 87 cuts between my arms and legs. At the time it felt like the only way to deal with it all and like I said talking to the councillor helped but only so much. The urge to cut is still something I deal with every single day but thankfully I haven't cut in almost a year. I have yet to find a healthy alternative to deal with the inner conflict though. I tried journaling when I was younger but I didn't have the patience for it.
It has been a relief to talk about all of this on the forums. There is something oddly comforting about confiding in strangers haha
I have addressed it with my boyfriend and while he has assured me that nothing will happen, I fear that if there is any drinking during the visit the anger could get the better of him and everything will just blow up. Especially given how me and my brother have not spoken about what happened, I'm not sure how he would react to the accusation and what he would say.