Loss of trust.
When I was a kid I was very curious, so at about 12 going on 13 years of age I had decided to explore what porn was. I'd heard about it round my housing estate but I didn't really know what it was. I also didn't know about clearing a browser history. I thought that I got very lucky when my older brother sat me down in the living room one evening and told me that my mom had asked him to look through the browser history for anything suspicious. I especially thought so when he told me that he hadn't told her. That feeling of luck swiftly passed as he informed me that there was a price for him not telling my mother. And whilst he posed it in such a way that it sounded fair, it was still blackmail none the less. From that day till a couple of months after I turned 15 he sexually abused me. At the time I convinced myself that I was ok with it and that I could handle it. As he put it it was just "practice" for when we got into real relationships. He had me convinced that it had to be our little secret. Eventually he stopped it all, presumably when the guilt finally got the best of him. We haven't spoken about any of it since it all stopped, I think he still believes that I was ok with what happened.
Nowadays I mostly just hate myself for letting it happen. I could have said something to anyone, hell if I had just said no the first time. I don't think he would have hurt me. I feel like he really would have just let me away with it. He took so much from me and I stayed silent. I'm still silent. And it's not even like I want to go to the police because at the end of the day he is still my brother and despite it all I still love him. But I can't even tell my own father about any of it. My mom knows but because of his problems with depression and her worry about what he would do she hasn't even spoken to him about it. She said she wouldn't let him away with it but he's still her son.
Worst part is, is the thought of if he did this to anyone else. If I let it happen to some other poor defenseless young girl. If it happend to my niece.... Well I don't think I could live with myself knowing that if I had just said something nothing could have happened.
@Crimson0715
You're very brave to have shared your story, and I'm sorry you'd not received a reply to your post. I'm sure it's more about not knowing what to say, rather than lack of caring. I hope you've not given up on 7 cups.....I know from personal experience what a huge source of support it can be.
I just wanted to stress this is not your fault. Your brother's abuse of you is wrong......sexual abuse or sexual power over another is never excusable. It must be hard for you knowing your mom knows, but that she hadn't chosen to address it with him. It's hard sometimes for situations to be addressed for fear of the repercussions for others, but your feelings matter too......they're very important.
You say you could have stopped it......I would question that. These things can be such a shock, you were also fearful, it's very understandable that you stayed silent. The real point here is you should never have been put in the position to feel you should have stopped it. Your brother should not have done it.
You expressed concern that your brother may be a risk towards other females. This is a very real concern. It's left you in a very difficult position. But please remember, whatever happens in the future, it's your brother who is responsible for his actions, not you. I wonder if this is something you could talk to your mom about, to consider if there are safeguards that need putting in place.
But it's worth repeating, because it is so important......your needs are equally important to anyone elses in this. So although you may feel pulls from other family members as to potential fallout from this, your brother has created this, not you. He is the one who has done wrong, not you. Please put your needs first.
@DeborahUK
Thank you... I don't really know what to say. Obviously this is something I am still coming to terms with and I think part of me is starting to accept what actually happened.
I doubt I'll ever be 100% ok, especially given that I don't think I will ever actually get to speak out about what happened. I've tried talking to my mom but every time I just feel more guilty and she reminds me of the potential problems which would arise were we to tell people.
My only hope for now is to find a way of coping with all of this.
@Crimson0715
It sounds like you're being put in a very difficult position, being made to feel guilty for someone else's crime. Once again, remember, you did nothing wrong. It can be had to see a resolution sometimes, it can be hard to imagine accepting a situation and moving on from it. But with time and support I believe it's possible. In fact I know it is.
Although everyone's different, I would liken the process to be similar to that of grieving. That sense of disbelief, anger, self blame, the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. The end goal being acceptance.....that's not to say what happened to you was right, rather that it happened, you can't change it, so you have to find a point where you can accept it as part of your history, guilt free, shame free.
I heard it said that living with the guilt and shame of sexual abuse is like serving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit. That guilt and shame belongs to your brother, not to you. Your challenge is to find a way to let that go, to leave it at your brothers door so you can move on without being burdened by it.