Roe V. Wade is really screwing with me

I don’t want this to be political, for the record. This is my life and my health.

I am so done. I wake up Friday morning and tap through Instagram stories only to realize that the thing I’ve been avoiding thinking about and trying to convince myself didn’t exist finally came to fruition. Roe v. Wade was overturned.

I was sexually abused for 4 years from 9-12, until I got my period and started finding ways to avoid him. Now that quarantine is over though, I don’t think I’ll be able to hide much longer.

I have a few months before I have to see him again, but I think it’ll at least be for a few nights when I do. He’s a family member so he’s not very easily avoidable. He’s already catching on to what I’m trying to do, he made that clear with our last interaction. I’ve tried to tell my parents about it but they don’t believe me, so as far as I’m concerned, I’m stuck.

I was already terrified thinking about the fact that in 4-5 months my life is probably going to be completely torn apart, but add onto that the possibility of another 9 months and possibly 18 years of hell and I don’t know if I can handle the pressure. My health isn’t in good shape as it stands and I don’t imagine a pregnancy would help with that. My options right now are to take that risk and be able to file a case or risk my entire life.

I’m in a very red state, by the end of July I’m not going to have any access to abortion whatsoever and I really don’t have the means to go elsewhere. There’s always the possibility that he won’t do anything I guess, but judging by his behavior the last time I saw him just for a few hours I don’t imagine that’s very likely.

It has always been scary. But before I was able to think about it as this one scary thing that can make all the other scary things go away. Now it’s this one scary thing that could end up leading to 9 months of constant reminder of that scary thing.

I’m just trying to tread water right now. I want out. It is so loud. I’m trying not to think about it or pay attention but even without social media it’s just constantly on my mind. I want to enjoy my life, before and after future inevitable events, but that’s no longer guaranteed to me.

I know I’m not the only person affected by this. I don’t want my melodramatic relaying of events to come across as self centered as it reads. But it’s terrifying to watch someone light the match to set your world on fire. I love my life right now and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but right now I am so tired.