Sexual Assault/Triggering patterns (TW)
I really thought i would be able to live a different life now that I finally have a partner but things kept coming back. What I mean is repeating patterns from the last two relationships I had in my life. I felt damaged, I was physically beat by my boyfriends and it really kept going on for two whole years. Hiding bruises all the time, bite marks, and then even having to lock myself in my room isolating because I was not allowed to be with any of my friends or else they would get jealous. Now think about this you must be saying “why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave if they abused you so badly?” Well that’s something I just didn’t deal with well myself being alone, no one to count on and not wanting to be alone was partly the problem. I really thought id be fine, however I’m gonna explain the now in this issue. No I don’t beat my partner or anything I wouldn’t lay a hand on him. I got cheated on all the times I was in my before relationships so now I got nervous as *** being in other relationships, new ones. Made me feel off. I realize now that I was always being controlling and scaredy partner of the now would cheat and it hurt me so bad to think of other females with him. It really does. So I came here to explain that I honestly wish I knew how to break those fear patterns and pain patterns of all those shattered memories I’ve had around in me.
@ShinobuTengen22
you have been through a lot and it is natural for past items to resurface in your mind ......
the fear of a partner cheating IMO often can become overwhelming and create issues of its own most who dwell on the possibility often seem to be a self fulfilling prophecy........
have you spoke to your current partner and explained your past and past cheating....... to me being upfront about fears even if unfounded is better then walking on eggshells and perhaps having your fears create unneeded issues.
@ShinobuTengen22
Hey there, Shinobu. I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so many traumatic events, it's really challenging to go through relationships like those and I understand the fears that you have, they are completely valid.
When we experience too much of unhealthy relationships and abuse, our thoughts and fears can be projected onto our future relationships, I know it can be frustrating when that happens. I wonder if you could perhaps give yourself some understanding and care, to think of how your past has affected your thoughts and inner mind works that you have today.
You mention the part of people asking "why didn't you leave him?", unfortunately things aren't that easy. When we're enduring abuse in any kind of relationships, we also have good days in between, and we always keep in mind how the person was when we met them at the beginning. So we hold our and endure in hopes of that the abuse stops and there will only be good days.
Of course this migth not sound logical to a person who has not a direct lived experience, but to us who have it, we can relate. Manipulation, love bombing and gaslighting tactics are the abusers favorite weapons, so they are just truly amazing at the beginning. Like a dream come true, but then, slowly over time, their true colors show. But by then we are already too codependent, afraid, without any independence, support from others or anything that might help us get out of the situation.
We have by then become Trauma bonded too.
So, if anyone asks you again, perhaps this might help you reply to that question.
As for your current relationship, what do you feel might help your mate to know? Would explaining to them what you've been through help?
Would talking to them about the insecurities that you have now, because of former experiences help your mate understand where your worries and fears are coming from?
Communication is very effective, if you feel that you can trust them and want them to be a part of your life, then would sharing help them understand you better and help the relationship being healthy?
I also want to ask if you have talked to anyone about what you've been through, because keeping everything bottled up within ourselves can be very challenging and hard.
I hope you take good care of yourself and have a wonderful day😊
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