Sleepless Nights
A handful of years ago someone I loved raped me. It took atleast 3 years for me to acknowledge it Was rape. Even now I cringe calling it that word. I think a lot of it stemmed from the fact that there was no way someone who claimed to have loved me, honestly loved me, would ever be capable of that kind of... whatever. I pretended it didn't happen because if it didn't happen I could still love him and our story would find its way to a happy ending. We became roommates. He was emotionally abusive, but the real manipulation was when he'd get drunk and tell me he loved me and act exactly how he knew I wanted just to get me to sleep with him. I never understood at the time, but now I realize all these times where I, in fact, did not want to have sex, but did it anyway because I was always afraid if I said no it wouldn't matter to him. At the time, I didn't know that. I just knew when he asked I'd always say yes. I hate him. I can't sleep anymore and have been having nightmares about the night he raped me. I just don't know how to deal with the fact he exists. He goes to work, goes home to his family, sleeps soundly at night blissfully unaware of the damage he caused. He honestly believes he is a good man. And that is where the fear lives. He Doesn't Even Care. His existence scares me. Its not logical, but no amount of googling has revealed anyone who can relate. Honestly not even sure why I'm doing this. Oh yeah, bc its 7AM and I still can't sleep.
@Ginssss what happened to you is terrible, and it's ok to feel the way you feel. It doesn't mean you're not strong enough. You're showing your strength by telling your story, a story that one day someone might read and relate to, because even if it doesn't seem this way, you're not alone. A lot of people went through the same, but not everyone finds the strength to talk about it. You also showed your strength by finally breaking the spell he put on you and finding your way back to freedom. And you're showing your strength now by facing life day by day, in spite of your fears and the pain. I know it may feel impossible right now, but one day you'll be able to live your life fully and you won't feel so overwhelmed anymore. Anything is there for you to reach: your happiness, your goals, love... It may a rough path to get there, but never stop believing you will. At some point of your life, even setting yourself free from him seemed impossible, and look where you are now. He's not in your life anymore, and though he's still in your thoughts, he won't keep you caged for the rest of your life. Don't ever doubt your strength - if you weren't so strong, you wouldn't be where you are now, without him and finally processing what happened. This strength will help you through all the challenges you'll face.
You get to decide who you'll be and what will become of your life. You define yourself, not him, nor anyone else. I wish you all the best in the world, you deserve it!
