/TW/ Am I In The Right Place? New Poster
I only just joined after an event from my past suddenly creeped up and has kind of left me numb the past week or so. (if this story is TMI im really sorry) There have been four of these instances im unsure how to define but one in particular stands out. A casual partner I had at 19 (who was elusive about their sex history) removed a condom in the act when I told him I wouldnt agree to be with him without it. I had to get emergency tested, I since suffer frequent infections (no STIs) and dyspareunia. The latter issue came up recently with a new casual partner, and once they addressed this event as trauma, I had burst into tears. I had only told one ex before about this event (who left me bc of my sexual dysfunction). I feel dissonance now because its only just sunk in how much this partner when i was 19 has been a detriment with my intimacy— but I didnt consider it as trauma, just a thoughtless idea that scared me a lot. Despite the past few days leaving me feeling helpless, embarrassed, and angry with myself and the world, I still dont know if I can legitimately consider this as assault/trauma. I dont know if I should feel invalid as no altercation occurred— just a frozen state. Any advice appreciated. Thank you for listening.
@CozyCardigan
I wouldn't get too caught up in labels and definitions if doing so upsets you. The words we use are just in an attempt to classify and understand our experiences and world. So if it doesn't feel like assault or trauma to you, then it doesn't have to be. It's all about how you choose how you want to define what happened to you. You have the power here.
That being said, what happened was obviousy very upsetting. I think a violation of trust like he did in the most intimate moments, when you are both at your most vulnerable, would definitely make you anxious or worried in future relationships. About being vulnerable, about trusting someone with your vulnerability, about trusting someone at all. When someone had control in a situation and you didn't, it may cause you to want to MAKE SURE in that situation that you have control. And needing ultimate control with intimacy isn't really possible. Trust is so important and it looks like no matter what you call what happened to you, it sounds like you want to be able to trust again.
What do you think would help you be able to trust a partner again? What steps could you take?
Thank you for sharing with us, I know it isn't easy to share stories like that. <3
