TW: I think it was SA

**trigger warning ** gets pretty detailed **

I was getting intimate with this guy and he wanted to try having sex. I had never done that before. He was trying to put it in but it wasn't working and it just hurt a lot. And I told him it was painful and he was like oh ok. So he tried putting it in super slowly, little by little. But it still really hurt and I didn't say stop or get off me but I kept telling him it was hurting a lot. He said "I'm stretching you out." I didn't even realize really but I was smiling-ish , I don't really know why, I guess to disguise wanting to cry and being so angry. I only know this because after a while he asked if any of it felt good and I angrily said "no not at all!" And while continuing and said "oh really? I was kind of confused because you're smiling.." And I asked why me saying I'm in pain repeatedly wasn't enough on its own. He decided to keep trying so when he realized he "wasn't even half way in" he was like ok I'm gonna try something. And I said "what do you mean you're gonna try something?" And he said he was gonna try putting it in all the way and bare with him. I questioned it but before I said much he thrusted himself all the way in with so much force. It hurt so much that time that I actually yelled out in pain. He said sorry and continued with less force. He said its supposed to hurt the first time for women and I was so angry and told him that's a fucking myth. Common or uncommon aside, this was a different level of pain so I just did not understand why he wouldn't just stop. And once he stopped I got up and moved toward the edge of the bed putting clothes on. He sounded embarrassed and said "oh so we angry huh?" (Basically saying are you angry?) And I didn't really want him to know how bad it was but I couldn't put words to it anyway. I said angry isn't quite the word I would use but something of the sort. Cried for a bit in his bathroom at the sight of so much non-period in toilet. It took a few days, about a week, to be mostly healed (physically). Months later we indirectly spoke about it and he said how would a guy know to stop if the girl doesn't say to and all he can see are her facial expressions. It only fueled my self-blame.