Randi, first of all I am so sorry, nobody deserves to go through this, much less such a wonderful person like you.
Since I've been a victim of sexual assault myself, I wonder how have you been coping with intimate relations since it happened. Have you been sexually active, and if so, how does your experience affect this? I struggle with this, so I would like to hear someone else's point of view.
Please let me know if you are uncomfortable talking about any of this!
I've gone through something similar, if not the same, and for years I built walls around myself to avoid people from getting close because I feared everyone is going to hurt me. Have you experienced anything like that? Keeping people from getting close to you emotionally?
So, for the first 6 months or so, I definitely kept everyone at arms length, but once I moved away from home for college, I tried to be super open because distance from the scene made me felt like I was invincible. Now, recently someone hugely betrayed my openness with them, so I think I'll probably end up somewhere in the middle!
You're all so beautiful and strong. Hugs and love to all of you wonderful women! <3
Love you Stevie <3
What are your opinions of the people who ask "what were you wearing"? (Hate hate hate those people.)
I know you also like a certain youtuber. I think 7 Cups would benefit a link :)
I know sharing details, and even speaking about this could be the hardest thing ever. You're the strongest person I know.
Love you, Kim. When it comes to people asking what I/any other victim was wearing it almost makes me laugh. For me I'm like---does it even matter I sure as helck wasn't able to wear it for long when two men ripped off my clothes. I could have been wearing a turtleneck, still wouldn't have stopped them from assaulting me, or at least I don't think it would have...and if it would have, well, sorry I wore shorts and a t-shirt in summer? I should be allowed to wear what I want where I want, and not have to feel threatened as a result. Laci green, is great and here is a link to my favorite video on her channel!
First of all you're incredibly strong person for having moved past something like that. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like. But I'm glad it hasn't stopped you from pursuing your dreams and goals in life. I know you'll make all your dreams come true.
How has that experience shaped who've you become?
It made me a lot less settled in my privileged life, which helped me to look outside of myself. As a result I'm a lot less quick to judge, or less harsh. It has definitely also made me more determined...I won't let them win. If I fail,my rapists win, if I succeed, they lose.
On the other hand, my experiences have also made me a lot more weary of friendships, particularly with men, who seem to either have a hard time understanding, or not have the patience for it. It's honestly empowered me to potentially never want to have a romantic relationship or need one, but that's both good and bad.
I think in a lot of ways, I'm still the same person I was before, but with a bit more of an edge, and a lot more understanding.
Strong female alert!!!
I'm so sorry for what you've been through and commend you for your strength. What do you think has been the most helpful in your recovery?
For me, writing has probably been the biggest thing. I wrote a story based on my experiences (though I changed much of the details) and publishing it online (it's a fanfic) has been really liberating. Also talking it out. One night, I was at my very lowest, on the verge of suicide, and I told a friend goodbye. He came and made me walk and talk with him, and I told him things I wasn't even sure were real from my memories of it. It's all been a bit easier since then.
How did this influence your relationship with males. Do you sometimes fall into the trap of generalization?
I mean, being quite frank, I honestly have always probably had more female friends than male friends, but I generally tend to tell males about this more than women. I tend to tell them what happened to me---get my hopes up that they are interested in spite of it---and then get disappointed hahaha. Then again, both before and after I had never had a boyfriend or any real male interest in me, so I don't know if things have changed per se.
I don't think I generalize much at all, no.
I hope the scars of that experience will heal (if ever) and i hope that the person who done this to you paid dearly for his crime.
You mentioned that you hope people are still interested in you after you told what happened to you. I cant imagine how any sane, decent person would reject you for this. In contrary it would have made me and probably many other people more protective of you.
Why do you feel some people would not be interested in you if you told them?
I think they've healed pretty well. The men who assaulted me haven't paid as far as I can tell through the crime systems I have access to in my internship, but maybe someday.
It's just that it's a lot of baggage to put on someone. Especially with regards to men who could be interested in me in a sexual or adult relationship, many men don't want to deal with that in the bedroom. (Not that it really is such a major problem on my end, but it does require a bit of extra understanding and patience).
Many people also just seem to not want to deal with tough things like that. It's a theme I've encountered a few too many times recently, and, quite honestly, that's often the hardest part. I will never be as simple for them as I was before, and they have to have the patience to want to be bothered by that.
Definitely have only gotten maybe one person who has been even slightly more protective of me--I would have appreciated more reactions like that, but it's not as common as you'd hope.
Also want to note that I was revictimized through a sexual assault after the attack I've been discussing here, so if anyone wants to ask me questions about that, you're more than welcome :)
Randi... I can really understand this situation... Many victims of sexual abuse get embarrassed about it and try to hide the fact, because the society looks at them as if they are the criminals. So thank you so much for sharing this. And being an example for others.
Often, the perpetrators of such crimes are acquaintances.My question is... (if you don't mind answering)... did you know the perpetrators? If yes, did it create trust issues for you?
I did not know my assailants, though many victims do. My assault was a random attack on the street. I believe now that it was part of a gang initiation based on some of what happened.
I do think it still created trust issues for me, but I definitely think in many ways I am lucky not to have known them as my trust issues would have been exacerbated majorly by that. My trust issues are less about what actually happened and more about the reactions I faced from certain friends during the aftermath.
