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I wish I could get it out of my head. I love him though. He is my only dad and he was always good to me when not hurting me in this way. He ruined me. :( my body is damaged. My heart and everything too. I just hate night time. Everything bad comes out. I need a new body. I feel so ashamed. I know I didn't ask for it but I'm still ashamed. I don't think I will ever heal for real. I feel like a small child at nights sometimes. I'm not and I know that he isn't really here now. I'm losing my mind. He took something away from me that people can't get back. Not surgery either even if they do that in some parts of the world. I'm so overwhelmed. I know nobody can help me but I appreciate that I can vent about it. I feel so very damaged.
@MissyAmerica Sounds like he really hurt you and that it's a thing noone should ever do but there are people who can help you. Distract you from your own thoughts and the step you did by posting it here is great and shows a lot of strength.
With that strength you can keep fighting and find a way to feel better. Maybe by talking to a stranger and having someone who listens and cares about you. You don't have to go through this on your own.
Stay Safe - Always Keep Fighting and have a happy/better new year <3
@RamonaWinchester thank you
@MissyAmerica Hi Missy what he did was wrong very wrong and has left you hurt, angry confused all kinds of feelings that can be difficult to cope with. It is true, he is your dad, but you dont have to approve of or like what parents do. Its a bit like when people say I still love you but I dont like how you behave, something children sometimes get told by parents if they have misbehaved. You can love a parent for who they are, or you can love the label they have because society expects everyone to love their parents and if you had times of love and attention its not surprizing you would still love him because then abuse gets mixed up with love. But you can still be angry at the behaviour, its his behaviour and his choices that he took that has left you hurt and traumatised. No one expects you to hate him or cast him aside. Some people do hate their abuser, and have no love towards them but when its a parent or family member that gets tougher emotionally to sort out in the mind. You can heal from your experiences and it sounds like you still have a lot to process and work through which is making you feel like that young child you were when you got hurt. Its that child within you that remains stuck in trauma time that needs compassion too. 
@dancingRainbow45 Ty for your kind feedback. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I need this all to go away like it did before. I can't put this back in the box and function again. :/ I'm trapped with no access to professional help. I don't feel hope without access to help. But I do appreciate the support.
@MissyAmerica Hi missy the problem often is once stuff surfaces or opens up, its is virtually impossible to put it back in a place it was in before but what you can learn to do is manage feelings, flashbacs and triggers by using grounding exercises, visualisation exercises, mindfulness and relaxation as one tool. There are a ton of suggestions in the trauma recovery resources section of the forums if you would lie to take a look to see if there are any that could help you. You mentioned not having any professional support. Have you considered talking with a doctor to see if you could get a referal for counselling or therapy. There are online counselling services now as well as helplines that you could consider. Are you in a position to possibly pay for low cost counselling?
@dancingRainbow45 hihi I've read and learned a lot about grounding and mindfulness stuff but I fail at using it. Idk if that makes sense. My insurance covers pills. No therapy. I don't have $ for food on many days. Ty for your feedback. I'm on a downward spiral and I've kept it to myself for many years.
@MissyAmerica The thing with the grounding exercises etc is that it often takes a lot of practise for them to work and its about finding the ones that work for you. Sometimes practising these for small amounts of time during each day can really benefit you. I hear your circumstances sound really difficult for you and it must make it harder to find the motivation to keep with trying things but sometimes all these small things added up together can enable someone to feel supported and more in control of what they are going through :) Perhaps look into seeing if there is a self help support group near you or a free helpline you can call for additional support. Perhaps even getting a self help workbook which you can do at home, or perhaps looking into additional online support from a free source. Ideas to consider trying and of course we are here for you too
@MissyAmerica It sounds like he really hurt you a lot, i dont have much advice right now but all i can say is if you ever want to talk im only a message away, Your strong you are and I know eventually you will heal and that although it will take a while you will heal <3
Casscass
