Was I sexually harassed?
This is going to sound really stupid, but the thought is making me really anxious. And you'll understand in a moment why there's nobody in my life I can seem to approach with this.
A few years ago, my best friend in the whole entire world and I were walking around our school. He and I were strictly friends, and had never had feelings for each other. However, we had lost contact with each other for a few years, and we had only just begun to talk again.
He took me to a very secluded corner of the school, and stopped walking. He stood in a way (turned to me) that indicated that I should face him...and that meant that I was up against the wall. It didn't seem forceful, just very odd. I stood there wondering why we weren't walking anymore. He went on to hug me really hard and entered my personal space without me giving ANY indication whatsoever that I wanted that, because I didn't.
But I was taught to be the good girl, and I smiled and laughed it off as he broke the hug but still held on for a while to my waist. I was supremely uncomfortable. But I hadn't said no. I didn't ask him to do this but I didn't say no. I was so scared I'd lose his friendship again. In fact, i knew that if he stopped being friends with me, nobody in our entire friend group would want to be friends with me. He was a charming, intelligent guy, our whole group of friends revolved around him. So I smiled and wriggled away, but again, I didn't say no.
Over the next month, he kept speaking suggestively to me, in a way that suggested that he wanted more incidents like that to take place. Here's where my real dilemma comes in. At the time, I told myself that I should do this just to be "cool" and "chill", but it also came from a place of not wanting to be a "bitch". I wanted to be nice. So not only did I respond to his advances, I initiated action sometimes. I knew that I was quite uncomfortable each time something happened with us (never sex or even making out, just very tight hugs and general closeness-- that was a big deal then too, we were quite young). I knew I wanted out of it but at the same time I didn't want to ostracize him. So I played my part. I made myself believe that discomfort was a part of it and that it was important that I do this in order to maintain his friendship. I even made myself believe that maybe I wanted this. This whole thing only ended when he started liking someone, someone he went on to date.
Was this sexual harrasment? Given that I didn't say no, that I even initiated action because I thought that was what was expected of me and I didn't want to offend him, given that i hid my discomfort and tried to appear totally normal, would this be considered a violation?
PS. I know this sounds really trivial, but I have no one to talk to. All my friends are his friends, still. I don't know where else to go.
@convivialThinker6253 Im actually curious about this too. I had a simmilar experience but the difference is that never initiated and that i wasnt just hugs tho (but it was sex either). Just like u i didnt exactly disagreed neither agreed but i got serious PTSD afterwards.
@convivialThinker6253 I don't think it sounds stupid at all. It sounds to me as though his behavior was unusual for you, given the fact that you were just friends. You trusted him as a friend and he put you in an awkward spot. Regardless of whether you told him no or not, it seems to me that he should have been able to see that he was making you uncomfortable and should have respected your personal space. Looking at it from an adult point of view I feel he should have asked you if he could give you a hug, it would have been the gentlemanly thing to do and I can't help but wonder why he chose a secluded spot to do it if his intentions were good. His behavior seems rather bold to me, especially since you both had just recently started talking again.
I'm sorry I can't provide a more clear cut answer for you. It's not trivial if it's still causing you to feel anxious. Your feelings are perfectly valid.
That's why places like this exist, to give us some place to talk about things that we can't talk to our friends or family about.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. I know that finding a conclusive answer to this is difficult, but thank you for validating my feelings. You're very kind.
@convivialThinker6253
It sounds like what you're struggling with is the social pressure. Social norms of what is acceptable between men and women are changing a lot, and especially a lot in the last 50 or so years. Change is slow. There is a lot of ambiguity now about consent, and I think a large part of this is that women still feel that in these kinds of situations we are there to please men, it is our responsibility for them to not feel awkward. The reason for this is that it's still expected for men to make the first move, to go for it. The problem with this expectation is that men have to face a lot more rejection than women, so we have been put in the place of trying to make sure their feelings aren't that hurt.
I don't know if I'd call it sexual harrassment. I think that both genders, in this state of ambiguity, have to learn to commnicate better about what is desired and what is acceptable. We have to normalize diologue about consent. We have to teach this younger than we do, otherwise these awkward situations come up. We can't expect young boys to know this stuff without teaching them, and we can't expect young girls to be assertive if we don't teach them. Women also have the added bonus of feeling unsafe while rejecting a man, so men need to learn to not put women in a position of being isolated, stranded, unable to escape, when making advances.
Was this sexual harrassment? Probably in the most black and white way, but was harm intended? Probably not. I see this more as a learning opportunity for both of you. You need to look inside to find out what truly made you uncomfortable about the situation (because it sounds like something did) and perhaps brainstorm how you would address it in the future if it happens to you, or to teach it to your children/young people in your life. That is really the only way social change occurs.
Feel free to disagree with anything I have said, I haven't wanted to take away from your experience, but wished to shine some light on the complex social web that this situation is an excellent example of. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for seeking help. I hope this helps in some way.