When sexual harassment makes you change
I have put it back of my head for a very long time, bc I didn t realise that I am a survivor of sexual harassment. At the time I was in my early 20ies and I didn t even had the grasp of what falls under the category sexual harassment. Now I know, bc it change me in a way, that I feel so uncomfortable everytime I talk about sex. I feel so awkward.
It was my second relationship and I had my first time with this guy. However things got uncomfortable with me when he started to embarrass me infront of his friends. Makes me look like a nympho and gave me a bad name. He will always say that I want to have sex and just sexualized me in order makes him look like a king. This is my first experience with sex in general and the embarrassment stuck with me. I am so tense if it comes to this topic and I will do anything so I won t get sexualized ever again by a man. It gets to a point that I can t even relax during sex and I can t come. Because of that I locked myself in a cage and limited my self-expression, when it comes to sex.
The only thing I want is just being free. I feel so stuck and closed off that I have the feeling I can t express myself. I ll be 25 this year and bc of this and also my situation at home, I didn t had the enviroment to grow up properly. And that s is the only thing I want right now. To heal this wound that has been neglect for so many years.
@misslamarr Healing takes a long time, and it's sometimes tempting to feel like we'll never have a normal/enjoyable sex life. But, you have strength and lots of friends here - and 7Cups will be here along the way (:
Hi there, @misslamarr.
I just wanted to write to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your experience/s with us. I was in a similar situation, a situation I never thought I'd be in. I grew up in a home in which I was affected my sexual abuse, but not first hand (thankfully). However, I learned about the abuse when I was age 13 ... you know like when girls are "supposed to" start liking guys and going to the mall to hang out with friends (other girls AND guys, too). I was not ever much interested in boys, a few here and there, but instead I threw myself into academics and extracurricular activities. Much later, like after high school and after graduation from college, even a few years after I had moved back to my home town - yes, I was age 20-something - this guy who was my friend, not even official boyfriend/girlfriend, we just did things - movies, mini-golf, supper, which could look like dating I guess. So later still, he invited me to his house (the first and only time). [These events all happened around roughly 15 years ago ... and it is still VERY hard to talk about/think much about.] In the last perhaps 3 years? I learned more of the words/vocabulary for actions and such; so now I know that I can describe what happened as: He sexually assaulted me. But I hate saying that - I'm not sure why. I too am very cautious and embarrassed to talk about sexual things, even with my doctor (who is female also, and well, ... a doctor!). I think I need to bring this topic up again with my counselor. I told her details one time, but I am getting more and more sure that she does not understand how significant and changing of me this was.
Yes, well, I just wanted you to know I'm proud of you for laying out your story and letting us - Trauma Support Community - know what happened and how you are doing now. And for me, thank you for writing this so that I might read it and realize that maybe - just maybe - I am not as alone as I thought in how I think or how I talk (rather don't talk) about sex. Take care, dear lamarr. ~ Platy
@ZeppelinsOverhead - Thank you, too. I often wonder if I might ever have a 'normal' sort of sex life with my future husband or if sex will just come with memories and unwanted feelings. But yes, I need to somehow talk with someone safe who can help me to normalize sex and sex things. Not what happened to me, but like 'normal' sexual things - yeah, whatever that is, eh? Because well, there is so much fear within me at this point, almost of talking about sex at all. (Platy runs away to hide, in shame and fear.) ~ small, scared Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370 It's okay to be scared. It's so hard to open up about these things with a partner. My roommate and I discussed this the other day. You have to communicate with your partner, so they can respect your space and things that bother you. But, when you tell someone all of this stuff that you haven't healed from yet, it's scary! Even with a new counselor or professional, it can be difficult. I'm told that the more you talk about it, the easier it gets.
@ZeppelinsOverhead - Your last line .... I have heard that too; although it sounds so, so backwards!
@cyanPlatypus6370 I can't testify to the truth of it, but it certainly is difficult...