trigger warnings everywhere.

I have never really talked about my trauma to anyone but here goes nothing i guess. When i was 3 my parents divorced so my mom moved me and my older sister (who was about 13 at the time) to another state with her boyfriend who she had met in high school and recently got into contact with again. He had a daughter who was my sisters age and he was so caring towards all of us. I love him so much, that i considered him as a father figure. He treated me like his own. When i was about 5 he started doing inappropriate things to me like touching me and making me touch him for his own pleasure. He told me it was all a game. I was little so obviously i agreed and thought it was normal. Him and i were always together because my mom was at work and my sister was at school. He would turn it into some silly game like chasing me and then touching me. He did this to me for so many years. When i was 7 another one of my siblings moved in with us because she had relationships problems. She had two daughters at the time. So he did it whenever everyone was gone. Sometimes i wonder if he ever touched my nieces too. But one day me and my two sisters were sitting at the table and they were talking about they’re ‘secrets’ , so that’s when i told them what he was doing as a joke because i still thought it was ok. My eldest sister didn’t believe me but my other sister did. So they told my mom. She was upset and kicked him out of the house. The next day she brought him back in and made me confront him. He was on his knees crying and begging telling me that he would never do anything like that to me. I was a child and panicked so i told my mom it was just a dream. So she took him back and acted like nothing happened. After that he still touched me and made me touch him. He would often make me take a nap and then do it while i was “asleep”. Then when i was 8 or 9 my mom had suddenly moved us back to the state where all the rest of my siblings lived (they were all over 18 and had a house and kids). I never knew why until now but apparently him and my mom were going to throw a party and his daughters friend texted my sister and asked her if he was going to be there. Of course she said yes and that’s when the friend told her that he had tried to touch her last time she was there. My sister told my mom and that’s why she moved us back. We were living with my other older sister and my sister (that one that was under 18) caught my mom texting him again saying he should move back with us and she got into an argument with my mom. My mom played the victim and tried denying it all. As soon as my mom found our own place he moved in with us and started molesting me again. I still thought it was normal and he had even more free time with me since my mom worked 5 days out of the week , got off at 6, and my sister was always gone since she had a car. I was constantly with him and it wasn’t until i was 11 that i realized what he was doing to me was wrong. I started shutting him out and telling him to stop. He noticed this and stopped probably in fear of getting caught. I was constantly uncomfortable in my own home because of him. I never told anyone because for some reason i felt bad for the both of them. I cared about him because he was always there for me when i needed him despite what he was doing to me and my mom would always say things like “if me and him ever split up i would be so depressed” so of course i kept my mouth shut. I was slowly getting tired of him and her. I would always give him attitude and he would say things like “why do you hate me so much”, or “i would never do anything to harm you”. I was getting tired of him. I still didn’t know if i was for sure going to tell my mom but i finally made my decision when he started getting violent. He would yell so loud at my face whenever i did something wrong and sometimes he would smack my phone out of my hands. I knew i couldn’t just tell my mom because she would yell at my and would let me get a word in. So i called my eldest sister and she came over and told my mom everything. My mom of course played the victim and kicked him out. She did and i haven’t seen him since. I thought that my life was finally going to be good for once. Well i was wrong because the next day my mom immediately told everyone and i had no say in anything. I was so upset because the fact that everyone knew i got molested by a 40 year old really embarrasses me and it still does to this day. She had everyone comforting her, hugging her, telling her everything going to be ok, telling her she should never have to go through something like that. It really hurts me because i never got that comfort, i never received hugs and was told that someones here for me or everything’s going to be ok. I cried and cried and cried thinking it was all my fault. It’s only been a year since I told my mom and she’s already moved on. She talking to - multiple - guys at once, bringing them over, leading them on only for her to move onto the next guy, and lying to me. I’ve drifted away from her and resent her so much because of everything she’s put me through. I’m constantly in my room shutting myself out and she always complains but every time i try to spend time with her she leaves and goes on her phone talking to god knows who. She always send me to one of my siblings house so she can bring people over. She leaves and goes out all the time leaving me by myself. i honestly don’t care anymore i rather be away from her now but sometimes i wish she was a real mother to me and our relationship wasn’t horrible. I love her don’t get me wrong i just wish things were different. I’m still not over the situation, she’ll never know that. She’s never been there for me. I always get sexualized by my family about my body. They say things like “wow your body is beautiful you’ll attract all kinds of guys” , or “your butt looks good in that everyone’s gonna stare” and i hate it so much because it makes me uncomfortable and i don’t want anyone to notice me. I cant even go out in public without feeling uncomfortable every time a man walks past me or looks at me, i cant even wear tight clothing in fear of being sexualized by people i don’t know just like i do with my family. I’m constantly being reminded of him , i constantly get flashbacks of what he did to me, i always think of him no matter what, he’ll always he in the back of my head. I either cry or joke about my trauma in a way of coping and i’ve never told anyone what i feel. I hate it so much. —- I’m sorry this was long and i don’t expect anyone to read it i just wanted to let it all out because i’ve never done anything like this before. Sorry for any spelling errors i’m crying my eyes out right now. —-