Lost several family and friends to death, just moved by myself. Depressed and isolated.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life and was already being treated with medication for it for three years until my husband died. He was only 41. He had diabetes and didn't take care of himself, so he went downhill in the years we were married, and finally his heart stopped on the way to the hospital and I'll never forget his dad on the phone with the doctor asking "What time did he pass away?" My heart was in so much pain that I wanted to die. I fell on the floor and screamed NOOOOO for a long time, then I just lied there in shock until I'd start screaming and crying again.

Brian was my best friend. We were each other's only real friends anymore, and we told each other everything. But he had an eating disorder and wouldn't manage himself. I also have an eating disorder. I binge and my health is also being affected, but sometimes I don't care because I think about dying often.

Earlier this year, my dad also died. We were estranged for several years on and off, but surprisingly, I was included in his Will with my brother to inherit his house. So my brother bought me out and with my share, I bought a modest home three hours away from where I grew up. I had to leave anyway because my father-in-law, who shared rent with my husband and I, already had plans to move in with his daughter. My husband and I were excited about buying our own home, however modest, but Brian died while I was in the process of getting ready to move.

Now, it's just me and my dog alone in this home. The home is kind of falling apart and I've had a burst pipe under my house that resulted in flooding, wildfire scares with evacuation eight blocks away, and broken screen doors that were a threat to security. I've since had the doors repaired, but I still feel insecure in this house as a 40 year-old widow, alone in a partially rural town that's not very safe. I'm glad I have my dog. My mom, who also struggles with mental health, recently reconciled with me and I do talk to her on the phone daily, which helps.

It's just that I've lost so much lately. My grandma, who I grew up with, died a couple years ago. My best friend also died suddenly. Friends I was close to have disappeared and I am not close with relatives. I have very bad job and social anxiety, so I'm underemployed. I'm college educated but I work from home no more than ten hours a week at a job where I can complete all my work without face to face contact.

I'm scared of the future because I've never been able to hold more than a part-time job. Sometimes even that seems like too much. I have learned recently that I meet the criteria for being on the Autism spectrum, as verified by a psychiatrist I have been seeing for the past three years for my anxiety and depression medication.

I'm Christian since my late 20s, and I pray, but I have trouble experiencing God's grace. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I also feel very alone because I'm really into living wholesomely and I don't know how to meet people who feel the same. I've tried different churches and have had some really bad luck, and I mean bad. The pastors and members have all either ignored me, brushed me off, or not returned my messages or calls when I've tried to reach out and introduce myself. One Bible study that I drove to, no one even showed up and when I called and left a message, no one called me back.

I don't want to be so negative, but I'm discouraged and tired of trying so hard.