I'm kinda stuck
Hey,
I don't really knows how this works since I'm a newbie here but I just wanted to write a story/my feelings somewhere since I don't think it will make my problems worse. (English isn't my mother tongue so I'm sorry if it's difficult to read/understand.
So, I'm a 21 year old university student from western Europe so I already know that everything I experience is a first world problem. Now, the first and also probably the biggest of my problems is the self-hate. This self-hate isn't something that suddenly appeared but is the result of stupid action after stupid action which in turn made me hate myself more and more. One of the examples of this would be; failing my exams time after time, not because I'm stupid but because I don't study despite finding the subject relatively interesting (so yeah, maybe because I'm stupid). Because of this I'm still in my first year economics despite being 21, this in turn makes me feel so bad that I feel too ashamed/stupid to meet new people or to even date (like who wants to go out with a loser).
Another reason for this self-hate is my social life, normally I tell people that I'm really not that social but the truth is that I'm pretty social but I'm just very bad at it. I do think that I got a few good friends but in general for some reason people don't like me or forget me the moment we separate although I almost always try to leave a good impression. Although I'm definitely not "beautiful" I don't think I'm so ugly that people don't want to associate with me, in other words the problem is my character. Personally, I like my character and from what I catch from my surroundings I think that I'm known as a kind person though maybe a little secretive. For guys I sometimes manage to make a good acquaintance or something like that but with girls it seems impossible to leave a good lasting impression (I don't have a single girl friend). Considering this plus me being ashamed because of my studies/future it shouldn't surprise anybody that a girlfriend is out of the question despite craving for one. I am diagnosed with light autism but when told, my friends are surprised despite finding me weird (I guess I'm weird in another way).
Now all this coupled with sometimes believing I'm "evil" and other times believing that my morels are higher than those in my surroundings, obviously makes me think about ending my life. As an economist I believe when deciding about suicide one should look at the positives and negatives of life in long term. Since I don't see any realistic improvements in the future which will improve the positives with such a margin that they will overtake the negatives, I think I should. Luckily or unlucky I'm currently too scared to make such an irreversible decision so I haven't even tried anything yet.
So yeah, I guess I'm stuck in a pretty bad situation. Anybody got any ideas?
@Illuvatar
First of all, thanks for taking the time to share a bit about your life and about how you feel. Welcome and hope that you get to open up a lot and share how you are feeling. I guess your problem is as important as any so you deserve to open up and talk about it.
I guess you have a personal battle there about how you feel about yourself. When you think of yourself in your exams and the failure that comes with it, it would cause you to hate yourself a bit.
It is okay you hate me because I hate myself – read that once that people may show that they hate you but on top of that you hate yourself. Kind of wonder sometimes whether no one can hate you as much as yourself. Have you found that?
Anyway perhaps we can pick up on our conversation through messages.
@Illuvatar
Hello--
First, I'm very glad you're still here, still with us, and I hope you choose to remain here.
It sounds as if you're really feeling disconnected and confused. I hear you--I know how that feels, too. I noticed, though, that you said you have a few good friends. That's wonderful. I'm sure they care for you (which shows that you're not a bad person, even though you might have very negative thoughts about yourself right at this moment). Have you thought about maybe discussing your feelings with them?
I know that when I've felt desperate and confused, so badly that I start think nothing will ever change, ever improve, and that maybe ending it all is the answer, I have a couple of people I know I can approach who will listen and talk with me about it. Just talking with them--just venting--always makes me feel much better. I'm not saying that it is a magical solution that will make everything all right. But I am saying that just connecting with another person, especially someone who will truly listen to me, always helps me. It takes away the blackness long enough so I can start to see myself and my life more clearly. I start to get my balance back. Then, I can look at whatever my specific problems might be--one by one, not all at once in a big, unmanageable mess.
I know all of this might sound cliche, at first. And as a 7 Cups listener, I'm not allowed to give advice. But I can only tell you, from my own experience, that actually sitting down with someone, face to face and letting my feelings out always helps. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but always enough to help me climb out of whatever emotional "bear trap" I've fallen into.
And please remember that we're all in this together. You're part of the world and everything in it. The world would be poorer--truly--if you weren't part of it.
I'm thinking about you. And I wish you well.
@BonsaiPeace
Thank you for your caring reply. Although I indeed have some good friends who I think do care about me, in our relationships I take the role of the listener since my spoken communication skills are subpar and I feel that it would be too awkard for me to tell them my feelings.
The big problem for me isn't my current life though since I have a caring family and even some friends to hang out with. It's more like that when I compare myself to them and see how bad my life is, I start looking at the past and all the stupid decisions I made and how different my life could have been that the self-hate really spikes. So the "depression" only manifests itself when I look at my future which looks bleak, and hopeless to be honest.
Sadly enough I don't belive your penultimate alinea. It will sadden my family and some friends who will notice it but in the end my current self will never amount to anything special in the world and after a while I will just be forgotten like everyone else in the past. (I don't really care about that though since when I'm dead I'm dead and don't need to be rememberd.
I really thank you for this message and the positive change you bring to this world by answering posts like this.
@Illuvatar
Hello, again.
Let me say again how glad I am that you are part of 7 Cups. And thank you so much for your kind words. (By the way, no need to be concerned--your English is excellent.)
I really hear you about feeling awkward in regard to talking with your friends. I feel the same way with my own (and even more so with people I don't know). I have found, though, that--being my friends--they understand that I sometimes have trouble expressing myself in speech. They know that sometimes I trip over my own words, or take a long time to frame thoughts, especially about personal issues. But because they care about me and understand these things about me, they are patient with me. They take extra care to create the kind of nonjudgmental atmosphere where I can just relax and speak my mind. They let me take my time. Then, I feel more comfortable, and my words flow more easily. My guess is that your friends would be not just willing but eager to do the same and that they would enjoy the fact that you would trust them enough to tell them what's going on inside you. Then, I suspect that they would feel even closer to you--and you to them. I think communication between you and them would only continue to improve from there.
As for ending everything, I can tell you--honestly--that I hope you don't choose that path and that I care about you. You make a difference, even if it's in ways that are (especially now, during this darkness in which you find yourself) invisible to you. Everyone--everything--matters.
A bit of self-disclosure. Years ago, I lost someone very dear to me. I didn't think I could go on without her. I finally felt so bad, I sought out a counselor. Over time, he helped me reframe my situation, recover my perspective, and rediscover my self-worth.
One of the most important things he helped me discover was how to redirect my awareness to the "now" rather than thinking of the past (especially the mistakes I've made) or trying to predict the future. When I practiced being in the moment, I found that I started to feel the beginning of relief. I found that when I focused on what was going on in the moment--even starting with little things like the color of the sky or scent of the ocean--the mental darkness I had been feeling before began to brighten, if only just a little at a time. It took practice, but it was a technique that I enjoyed more every time I tried it. And every time, I would feel slightly better than the last, and I could sustain the good feeling a little longer. Maybe that technique would help you, too.
As I said, all of us matter. That includes you. Even beyond your/our knowing it, we all share this existence. We're in this--the infinite, unfathomable, cosmic "this"--together. Please stay with us. Reach deep inside and do whatever you know in your heart you need to do to find every healthy source of relief and positive energy. Although you may not believe me, you were meant to be here, on this planet, at this time. Joyfulness is your birthright. Please try to give yourself every chance to claim it. And remember to take it easy and let yourself be in the moment--I predict you'll find it more beautiful and promising than you thought possible.
Wanna be friends and talk? It can make things better and I have a lot of free time. Hope the best for you. Don't give up.
