Can someone give perspective on this
(This is what a sent a friend but it lays everything out pretty well)
Ok I had a childhood love from age 9-11 and then at the end of year 6 he moved away which absolutely broke me because that whole thing was literally the only good thing about my childhood and it took me years to even start getting over it
Fast forward to last night I was listening to music and the song I relate to him came on and half way through I stopped it and just decided that I wasn’t over it because I don’t think I ever will be
So I decided to try and look him up half as a joke as I had tried in the past with no luck but yesterday I found his ***
I saw his face and his family’s faces and everything just came flooding back
There’s 3 scenarios that can happen here
1. I contact him, maybe he answers maybe he doesn’t, maybe we become friends maybe we get together I don’t know
2. I don’t contact him and I am still stuck with what could have been but at least that happiest part of my childhood can remain one of my best memories and nothing can ruin how perfect it was
3. I contact his sister first who I was also quite close with so she can give me some guidance on whether talking to him would be the best thing for me and for him
Whatever happens I need more time to think about it and I need to talk to more people about it because I absolutely cannot *** this up and if I make the wrong choice I could totally ruin one of the best things that ever happened to me
Of course the other dynamic of this is that I have always been 99% sure I was gay
He has always been the 1% of doubt in my mind because while the thought of having sex with a man, marrying a man and forever being attatched to a man repulses me, it’s different with him
I’m not sure if this means I am pansexual after all because I identified strongly with that first for years
Or is childhood nostalgia and first love nostalgia clouding my judgement
Either way basically my entire world has turned upside down but at the end of the day he’s there
Im one message away from the place that felt like home
This could be the biggest decision of my life and I should be more scared but for some reason I’m not and that might because he’s my person
There’s so much that could go wrong here what do I do
@hiimcaitlin
Wow, that's a lot to process. It sounds like you're going through a whirlwind of emotions right now, and it makes perfect sense that you feel this way after all these years.
It's incredible how a childhood memory and a song can bring everything back so vividly. That time sounds incredibly special and important to you, especially as the 'only good thing' about your childhood.
I hear you on not wanting to 'mess this up.' It's a huge decision with potentially big emotional consequences, whichever way you go.
The 99% gay / 1% him dynamic adds another layer of complexity. It could be pansexuality, or it might just be that the connection you had with him was so unique and deep that it transcends typical labels for you. The question of whether your nostalgia is clouding your judgement is valid, and only you can figure that out over time.
Weighing the scenarios:
Contact him: offers the chance for resolution or reconnection, but also the risk that the reality might not live up to the memory
Don't contact him: preserves the 'perfect' memory, but you're right, you might always wonder 'what if'.
Contact his sister: may be a sensible middle ground. She might be able to offer valuable insight into his current life and personality and help you decide if direct contact is a good idea.
Take all the time you need. Talking to different people is smart. Whatever you decide is the right path for you, remember this being alive and finding love business is a process, so feel free to post here again and update us on what happens next.
Thank you it means so much that you read and replied❤️
It’s been a while but I still haven’t done anything, just grieve who I used to be. It’s been harder to accept what the situation is and who I am than I was expecting. I’m still not sure what to do bit I don’t think I will end up contacting him because contacting him means confronting it and I’m scared of him thinking that I’m not the person I once was. I’d rather keep the versions of both of us that once were still alive in our memories and keep that as something we can remember fondly. I think that’s kinder to both of us