Can't sleep
Hi,
For the first time just now, I've realised I don't feel I belong anywhere. I don't feel part of society, my family or family. Feelings have grown stronger the more I've tried to find myself over the years. My feelings doesn't cause me any pain. Can't miss what I don't have so there's no pain of loss or loneliness, as I enjoy my own company. I see myself becoming less involved with my wife, family and friends. I don't see why I should shy away from the truth. Everyone will disagree and say I am loved and cared for, etc. But, my truth is that I simply don't feel it. I don't feel a specific way. For example, if my mother died, my attitude is "good, everyone should suffer loss as it's part of life and growth" a chance to learn something about myself. Death is like love, sorrow, laugher, happiness and sadness. Too much of any emotion can cause pain. Accepting this is reality, my reality, and my truth.
Ideas, thoughts or solutions are welcome on how I can deal with this. Thanks I'm advance.
@Mikey555 hi sweetie I'm Lola 💗 before I came to 7cups I didn't belong anywhere either. But I started opening up here and realised I'm not alone in my struggles and that I'm safe to be the real me here🙂💖 I really hope this site helps you to💖 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗 you don't have to suffer alone anymore we are here for💖
@Tinywhisper11 Hi Lola, thank you! I appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot. I don't know what to expect from being here but your message shows me what could be, and having people like you on this site gives me confidence. Again, thank you Lola x
@Mikey555 💖💖💖 how are you settling in here??
@Tinywhisper11 Yeah, I'm doing alright. Still figuring out how the site fully works but i'm getting used to it. Everyone inc you seems to be nice, which I am not used to. I believe that nothing is free, so when people show kindness I feel like I'm waiting for them to ask for something in return. This part of this website is what makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like people are too nice, maybe. I get everyone wears a mask and selfishly I want to see their real faces. If I've confused you then I apologise.
@Mikey555 nah! You didn't confuse me, I get it 💗 but this site is different here we are more like a giant family. We understand that everyone's struggling so we all do our bit to help each other out 💖 this site is safe it's a place where we all belong, where we can be ourselves and feel accepted💖 your gonna fit right in here 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I'm here if you need anything 💖
@Tinywhisper11 Out of curisoity, what's your story? I know that you saved a goldfish from drowning, which is admirable, but I for some reason don't believe that's why you came to this site. My intention isn't to be nosey, It''s just I've had some meaningful conversations with people on here including yourself and I was curious about everybody experiences. I don't think this site has a 'message people directly' button so I understand if you didn't want to share on the back of this message. But also, if you are not comfortable telling me at all, that's fine. I respect your privacy :)
@Mikey555 my story isn't a great one. trigger warning abuse...I was held captive for many years, they killed my son and left me disabled I'm in a wheelchair now😥 but that all ended almost 6 years ago, since then I've learnt soooo much about life and p eople, I've seen the good and the bad and I choose good💖 sorry if that was a lot to take in 😕
what about you?? Tell me about you
@Tinywhisper11 That is quite an experience and I don’t know what to say to
that. I’m not going to act like understand because it’s your experience but
the goal here for me is to be respectful not fake and insincere. Thank you for
sharing though, it does mean a lot to me that you trust me with that
information. I appreciate the trigger warning abuse but unfortunately I’m desensitised
emotionally when it comes to sad stories. I’ve can’t remember the last time I
felt empathy or sympathy for someone, so I must apologize if I ever sound
sarcastic. It’s an issue I’m trying to work though, people think I’m rude
sometimes due to my response or fascial expression, but that isn’t my intention.
I know what to say and how to act, I just don’t feel anything. Looking sad at
funerals is extremely exhausting for me. Anyway, sorry I digress. Me? Erm, I do my best to be a good friend to
people and I don’t require anything in return, Kindness shouldn’t come at a price
and I try to treat people how I’d like to be treated. I’m a night owl by nature and I like very few
people. I’m more of a listener than a speaker in social settings, as I like to
learn about people, body language, eye direction when they speak, are they
right handed/left, how they breath when they respond to a question I ask, personality
type, the usual. Trauma – My parents are divorced. As long as I can remember my
dad used to visit when he could and I’d get so excited to see him. When I was 8
my mother said I won’t be seeing him again, which hurt me at the time as she
didn’t explain why, I felt rejected and blamed myself(kept feelings to myself) When I was around 10 years old, my mother told
me why they divorced. He was a paedophile and he abused my siblings when they
were between the ages of 5-9. My brother used to tease, pick-on/bully me and my
siblings. He killed my sisters rabbit and acted like he didn’t but I know
because I saw him from my bedroom window(rabbit cage was outside). I was 10 at
the time so didn’t say anything because I was scared to. He used to chop the
heads of my other sisters childhood teddy bears and he once tired her up and
gagged her mouth and made her listen to animals in pain for 2hrs. Once I was
playing in the garden and he locked me out. I was 8 at the time and I needed
the toilet. I couldn’t get in and I ended up using the garden(no.2). When I was
10, my mum asked my brother to have a chat about puberty, instead he gave me a dirty
magazine and gave me tapes to watch. I ended up having a porn addiction at a
young age, I’m ok now though. Stuff like that! Anyway when I turned 18, he
robbed the house because he was in debt and ran away. I had to drop out of further
education to get a job to help buy new things. With it being myself, mum and 2
sisters, it was a very emotional household at the time. I had a lot of panic
attacks in my teens because everyone in the house always argued to the point of
physical or verbal abuse. My sisters and brother used to ask me to chose a side
quite often which was tough. I cried a lot growing up and I always felt bad
because my mum did her best even though she didn’t know anything that was going
on and still doesn’t. She worked 2 jobs at the time being a single mum and 4
kids so I understand her position. That’s my story. Sorry it was so long, I’m a
sucker for detail.
@Mikey555 🙁 I'm sorry sweetie you've had a tough life so far😥 I'm so glad you found 7 cups, I'm sure you'll learn a lot about people here and get all the support you deserve 💖 I think your a really nice guy, and as your journey goes on with us you'll learn to feel again, to start to heal 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 your a sweetheart and never have to go through anything alone again. We are all here for you 💗💗
Hi Mikey,
Sounds like you are taking life philosophically and thinking through life rather than feeling through life. Is that true? If that’s so, it might be that you’ve shut down at some point as a trauma response to stop feeling because feelings were too painful. But I’m just guessing here. Let me know if you’d like to chat about it.
Wish you all the best.
@mi1ana Hiya, Thank you for reaching out. There maybe some truth to what you said, I never thought of it from this angle. Feelings are complicated for me. If someone asked me what sadness, happiness or love feels like, I'd be nervous in case I give the wrong answer because I don't know if what I feel is the right way to feel. I'd find it easier if someone told me what sadness feels like, for example, then once I feel that, I could then say "Ah, so this is sadness" then stick that in my memory bank for next time. If I feel a certain way long enough I become desensitised and almost that feeling then feels like nothingness. Like i said it's exhausting and confusing this emotion stuff. That's why I probably think everything through, as it's easier.
You feel it’s always been like this? Or has something hurt you so much (maybe when you were small) that you decided feelings were too hard to digest? That was my experience, I’ve had so much pain I didn’t know how to deal with that I just blocked everything out and rationalized. A good way to start in this case is to set intention to go to what it is that hurt you so much and allow yourself to feel it. When you start feeling your feelings, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s worth it. It does take a lot of brain power and effort. But what takes more brain power and effort is living with unresolved issues that are stuck somewhere inside you and have no way of getting out. That’s when sabotage, procrastination, addictions and all this stuff comes.
Also, what I’m hearing is that you’re trying really hard to fit yourself in a mold of ‘what you’re supposed to be’: what you’re supposed to feel and how it’s supposed to look. I can guess that it may come from feeling like there’s something wrong with you as a child. And desperately trying to figure out how to be a human. Again, I’m just guessing here. Let me know if it resonates.
Good news is, in that case, you can work through it. You don’t have to feel like this forever.
@mi1ana I have always felt like this. It didn't bother me as much before because I never really explored my feelings until recent years. When I started understanding myself, there were a few doors I opened and closed immediately due to not liking what was behind. A lot of people let me down while I was growing up and as I've gotten older I've started to feel resentment towards people. You could say I have trust issues.
I never liked myself as a child. It does resonate with what you said about fitting myself within a mould of 'what I'm supposed to be'. In general I don't like myself, never have and don't think I ever will, which isn't the issue here by the way as I don't care for that. The issue is that I really don't know how to move forward. There are so many ways to get somewhere, which route do I take? You mentioned about setting the intention and feeling my feelings, how would this help? As in, once I feel my feelings, would would happen next? I assume I'd fall alseep and wake up feeling crap again. I'd like to assume It would be beneficial for me to tie my feelings up, stick them in a bag and bin them for good. Then start from scratch.
Thanks for sharing.
Well, of course, everything depends on where you want to get. What do you see as the best upgraded version of yourself? How do you want to feel in life? Often being in the dark place, we think that this ‘best version’ of ourselves is unreachable and unrealistic, but that is complete *** created by our brains to keep us in the comfort zone of how we’re used to feel. If you can visualize as version of you that enjoys life, that takes the required action, how does he feel, this ‘you? That’s your destination then. People usually all just want to feel happy and connected.
So, to answer your question, how would feeling your feelings help, you must unclog what’s clogged first, and then build up from there. It’s just how our minds and bodies work. It’s also how you connect with yourself. Usually through accepting our dark sides, hurts, experiences and etc we wet ourselves deeper. And if the destination is to feel content and connected, then you must know yourself first to get there.
I can honestly talk a lot about this stuff and tell you much more. What helped me was getting real deep in how our brain and psyche works (so deep it’s my job now). But there is a bunch of simple info online too, there are some really good podcasts that are life changing in this way. I can share if you want
We meet** ourselves deeper lol
A couple things:
our reality is created by pictures in our head and the words we say to ourselves. What that means? In formative years our life experiences shaped us a certain way, more precisely, shaped the way we see ourselves. I can’t go in all the details here in the comments, but a simple thing to do - list all your negative beliefs and thoughts about yourself or the world. The work starts when you take accountability that your beliefs are yours to change. Realize that you can change the way you see yourself or life by changing the words. Positive self talk may sound unnatural at first, but you’ll see the change. I do understand it might be difficult to do on your own, but start researching this topic. Listen to podcasts, read articles, or seek professional help.
Our brains love what’s familiar and hate unfamiliar. It’s an evolutionary mechanism to survive. That’s why traumatized people get in toxic relationships, you might’ve heard that before. Because oddly enough, the abuse, the toxicity, the pain feels familiar and they are drawn to it. So when you are on the path of changing your life, your brain will try to sabotage and find all the reasons why that’s a dumb impossible idea. Just being aware of it helps, you can take charge and change the thought process. But like with everything, it requires committed action again and again to relearn and teach your brain that feeling good (or whatever you want to feel or do that’s unfamiliar at the moment) is safe and now made familiar.
Mindfulness!! Say woo-woo, but read the studies on monk brains. People who meditate at least 5 minutes a day are more emotionally centered, clear, and are better equipped to respond to life. Learning to calm your mind down and focus is a crucial skill
@mi1ana Thank's for all the info. I'm going to digest what you said, think about it and I'll implement what you suggested. I really appreciate your advice and help. Your kindness is appreciated.
I’m happy if I could be helpful! You are stronger than you think and reading your comments and responses to me and other people, you are on the right path. You are very smart and introspective. Follow your intuition and you will get where you want want to go 🤍
You can always reach out to me if you want to talk, I will respond as soon as I can.
@mi1ana Thank you so much, honestly. You’ve provided a great deal of help. And thank you for the kind words, I think I’ll use ‘intuition’ as a compass, as I’m currently at a crossroads in life and in the process of figuring out which road to go down. Your wise words is of great help. 😊
Hi to both Mikey and Mi1ana. I feel like both of your comments align with what I’m feeling.
@understandingBeing8979 I'm glad that you don't feel alone in this. If you can find value in the above conversations that would be amazing. If you have any questions about anything then please do drop a message. Or feel free to share any knowledge nuggets that you think could help 😊
@Mikey555 What you’ve shared is deeply honest, and it takes real courage to express a truth that might not fit with what others expect or want to hear. Feeling detached or like you don’t belong doesn’t make you wrong or broken it’s simply where you are right now, and many people quietly feel similarly but don’t know how to voice it. You’re not pushing people away out of malice; it sounds like you’re just trying to understand yourself in a world that often demands emotional responses you may not feel. I’m curious when you reflect on this detachment, does it feel more like relief or more like loss?
@MindfulJourney22 Hi, thanks for reaching out! I absolutely am trying to understand myself and until I do I feel guilty letting people in because relationships are based on trust and it would be fake of me to show them a mask instead of my real face. Relationships to me are like job interviews and I don't feel prepared most of the time. I guess rejection falls into it somwhere. To answer your question, when I reflect on the detachment it feels more like a loss. Like a sinking feeling like losing a loved one. The more I try to understand myself the worse the feeling grows. I joined this site looking for answers. Feels like I'm at a crossroad and I'm not sure which path to walk, so I've sat down and now I'm waiting, waiting for answers that will allow me take the next step forward. If I take a leap of faith I'm affraid I'l end up taking two steps back.
@Mikey555 it’s incredibly human to feel like you’re sitting at a crossroads, waiting for clarity to arrive before moving forward. That sinking feeling of loss you describe, like losing a loved one, sounds like grief for a version of yourself you’re still trying to find or connect with. There’s a quiet strength in recognizing that you don’t want to show a mask, even if it means stepping back until you understand what’s underneath. That shows a lot of integrity. I’m wondering when you say you feel like you're waiting, is there something you’re hoping to hear or experience that would help you feel ready to stand up and choose a path?
@MindfulJourney22 I guess I'm waiting for someone to come along the road and say "ah, I've been here, I took that road. But when you get to the end be sure to turn left, not right. I made that mistake".
It is incredibly selfish of me waiting for someone to give me answers, and normally I'd happy search myself. But in all honesty, I'm tired and I don't know where to look. And if no one comes my way, I guess I'll walk down a path at some point, I can't sit in one place too long.
You've got me thinking now....Maybe I'm being lazy. I mean I am capable. Maybe I've been looking at this wrong. I need to look inwards instead of ahead and ask the right questions. Finding the last few pieces of a jigsaw can be a ball-ache but not impossible. Thank's MindfulJourney22, you've given me an idea :)
@Mikey555 That was beautifully said honest, reflective, and deeply human. There’s something really moving about the way you described waiting on the road and realizing, in your own time, that you still have the strength to move forward. It’s not selfish or lazy it’s the natural rhythm of being human, especially when life feels heavy. That shift you expressed, from waiting to inward-looking, is powerful. It’s amazing how just being seen and heard can spark that kind of clarity.
Me too
