I need some relationship advice..
Hi I'm Julia 21 years old and I'm really in need of some relationship advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and split up in may because I wasn't able to be in the relationship anymore. We had a lot of fights and our relationship has been rocky from the very beginning. After about 1 month of dating, his grandma passed away and this was a very difficult period for him full of grieve. He began to take less care of himself and how much I wanted to help him, it didnt seem to work. Being in the relationship he realized that he never really learned how to love someone. His whole family consists out of divorced couples and he lived almost his whole past only with his mom who had several boyfriends who abused her mentally and physically. His dad had a wife who treated my boyfriend really unfair and was always mad at him and punished him and mentally abused him. He also got picked on a lot when he was younger at school, this made him tend to change his personality every time he meets people because he wants to be liked.
His past is his past and I want to be there for him, but he adapted a coping mechanism where he cant handle confrontation and starts to get mad and yell and act very out of pocket. He also doesnt communicate his feelings and expects me to read his mind. He is very emotional unintelligent and it made it really difficult for us to solve problems and give eachother what we need in a relationship.
After breaking up and being apart, I dated someone else and he went on more trips with his friends and made more time for them. We both realised we really want to be together and that it feels like a missing piece not being able to be with eachother. Now we're talking again we stumble against the same problems, I have a lot of difficulties trusting him and I dont believe a word he says because in the past he NEVER was a man of his word eventhough he said he was. I am so afraid he is manipulating me and he doesnt really love me and he is acting like different persons with different morals and values again.. he started a new therapy and he seems to take more responsability and get more mature, but it still stings with me. I really want to believe him when he says he is working on it and he is honest with me, but he says that times before. I just dont know how to handle this
He really make time for me and tries to be there foe me and he would travel across the globe if I needed him to, he wouldn't even consider not to. But I'm so afraid its just a really good act instead of pure intentions. He is the type of person to say 10000 things and have 10000 plans but does nothing with it and doesnt take the responsability
He has yet to let go of his attachment to these negative emotions. Because his mind is obstructed by thoughts that trigger negative emotions he is easily pushed. He has to allow these thoughts to pass or else he will continue to feel emotionally stuck. He has love but it has to be realized by him. The only way he can say that he does not know how to love is to acknowledge that there is love. You see it but he does not. You want to love him and he feels as though he cannot return it, this can be frustrating for him. Continue being compassionate and reflect with him. Not on him. Help him see his problems without making him think he is the problem because he is not. His mind has many unpleasant things in it, when those things go his behavior will go.
I recommend disciplinary practices. Mindfulness and meditation. Yoga and reflection, not reflection on problems but on progress. This is up to him.
🙏
You invest yourself in an unreliable person. When you invest yourself emotionally you become emotionally attached to someone you can't trust because they are unreliable. Place your emotions aside and look at him as someone who is full of illnesses, these illnesses are negative. The antidote for him would be to find different focuses in his life that benefit his mental and physical health. This is not your problem but you feel that you are obligated to help him, this is understood. The one with the problem should be here, not the person being given the problems.
Hi! I’m sorry he had to go through that and I commend you on being such a good person towards him and trying to help. I’ve been with my SO for 2 years and honestly I’m so happy that he’s there for me and has supported me by being my rock. I’ve also been bullied growing up, my parents attention were on my younger siblings more than me growing up so I was kind of left to fend for myself. I was also in an abusive relationship in high school (which was also my first serious relationship). So in a way I can understand why he acts a certain way and why you say he avoids confrontation and he was not emotionally mature. I know you want to be together but maybe take it slow at first, go with the flow. And help one another. It’s great that you both got the chance to grow in your own way. It could’ve been right person wrong time then. But as long as you guys communicate and work together to be strong together, then you guys will be happy. I wish you guys all the best 🤍
Probably time to move on. When the trust is gone, the past keeps coming back up. Speaking from years of experience.
It's not your job to fix him. Please repeat this to yourself whenever you start having doubts. Support is one thing, but you cannot fix anyone else. Co-dependency is just as I healthy as no support at all.
Unhealthy*
