Looking for some validation/ support for my relationship with my mom
Hello group members. I am looking for some validation as I process though my thoughts and feelings about my mom. I have a one-sided relationship with my mom. I have attempted to repair this relationship by having her attend therapy with me. I voiced what I would like our relationship to be like (her showing interest in my life, her initiating plans with me, her contacting me first, conversations not just being about her problems, etc). She attended a few sessions and then she stopped coming and has not asked about attending again. Whenever we talk, whether that’s in person, phone call, or text message, it’s usually about her problems/ anxiety. I only can handle texting her because on the phone she is anxious and it’s always about her problems.
Thirteen days went by since we talked.
Today she texted me:
Mom:” Hi, today I fell on my arm and my knees when I was walking the dog. She pulled me down because she saw somebody and thought they wanted to pet her. I'm at the emergency room. they're going to be splinting my arm and taking X-rays of my knees now.”
Me: “Sorry to hear this. Did you drive yourself?”
Mom: “No, ambulance. Now they're going to take a CT scan on my head even though I'm not having any problems with vision or anything. Can you help me with the dog please?”
Me: “Mom I am working and with a client right now. Help with her how?”
Mom: “it’s okay. I thought maybe you could pick her up and take her home with you for a while while I'm healing.”
Me: “I can't do that because she isn't trained and it would cause stress for us. How long is your healing going to take? I think she will do just fine without walks and stays home with you. Do you think it's realistic for her to stay at home with you while you heal??”
Mom: “not sure yet”
Me: “Okay, perhaps you can talk to the doctor about their thoughts on you having the dog at home while you heal. I think it would be okay but think it over with the doctor”
Mom: “Maybe you could take the dog into boarding”
Mom: “I’ll figure it out”
Me: “okay. Did you make it home?”
Mom: “yes”
Me: “I'm glad you're safe and back home”
For the last 13 days I have felt guilty and anxious about not reaching out to her. However I have expressed many times my desire to have a more reciprocal relationship. My therapist has had me look at her parenting growing up and her past relationships to find empathy for her behaviors. Regardless today I found myself so frustrated and I felt as if my mom expected me to drop work and just help her. I also had a voice in my head telling me “you’re a bad daughter” “you’re selfish” because those are the messages I heard growing up related to my mom. My dad (passed) and my dad’s sister both believed that a child should just help their parent no matter what (as in boundaries don’t exist)
@intuitivemoon29
It is hard to deal with a parent like this. I had similar issues with my mom.
I see nothing wrong with the conversation you shared here...... it is unrealistic to expect others to drop everything to come to get dog or ......my guess is she wanted you to be more upset that she was injured and want to take care of her....
It is not your responsibility to fix her issues or drop all for her when she calls .... you are not alone many of us in or were in this type dynamic stand your ground i think you were helpful and asked about her well being with out being sucked in.
Thanks so much for the validation here!! Yes I agree with what you said. My dad passed and he did a lot for her. So did my dad’s sister (she continues to do a lot for my mom). I have encouraged my mom to be more independent by getting her a GPS (she always wanted a ride to my boyfriend’s family’s football games yet she drove!) she finally was able to drive herself a few times. It was good progress. But yeah she specifics told me “I don’t want to be blamed for the past” when I asked her to join therapy. It also pisses me off that she told me that my aunt says I don’t do enough for my mom (this was about three months ago). My mom told me “you both just help me in different ways.” So that response was good.
Now I’m feeling more stuck. I texted my mom to check in this morning. She asked me if I wanted to be taken off as the emergency contact. I said “I can still be your emergency contact. I just cannot be expected to drop what I'm doing and come to you if it isn't an emergency.” My mom replied, “it was an emergency.”
I immediately was so angry. I took a breath and crafted this reply: “I completely understand that you fell, were hurt, anxious about your body, anxious about the dog. I'm sorry it happened to you. I don't like that you got hurt. And I'm checking in because I care. If it was a medical emergency, the hospital would have been contacting me. I wouldn't have been texting with you.”
thoughts?
