My first attempt
Hi, I’ve been on here for a little over a month. I scroll through once a week to attempt to try to heal but I know that isn’t helping. Therapy for some reason is too hard for me to start. I want to. I look forward to it but then I feel stupid and my self esteem has been so low that I wouldn’t blame the therapist to not want to be my therapist because of my physical appearance. It’s not even I think I’m gross it’s not hard to convince me or make me doubt my own thoughts on myself. I’ve always been hard on myself over anything but I don’t know how to not be. I have a hard time understanding what I need to work on because I can’t even truly point out when I’m having a panic attack or if I do. I see it as it’s just me and how it is. I’m perfectly calm and fine like I’ve always been except now I have triggers that make me not okay to say the least. I am now 32 and have been sober for three years, I listen to a lot of advice and try a lot of techniques with myself when I feel myself not feeling okay. I’ve been through not so great events in my life but people go through worse, why can’t I just get back to life normally when it’s what I want so badly. I don’t think about the events and cry. I don’t ever think about those bad times until something happens like a knock on the door sends me mentally in a bad mood because I can be happy and relaxed watching tv but once someone knocks usually a kid to play with my son, I get all worked up and honestly I never check the door. I can’t. I want to but I won’t. The door isnt the only incident. I want to be myself again, be authentic me. I want to go to concerts and go in the pit and sing loud like I use to. I want to be able to go sit outside or go on walks without feeling fear so strong about going outside that it keeps me inside. I love outside. I hope this makes sense to some degree to someone on here. I want to be confident again and look forward to my days not wake up and want to go back to bed. Does anyone have any tips on how to achieve or make small steps to get to my goals? I feel stupid even writing this out but something is telling me this is a safe place.
@thecatsme0w
You are not stupid at all.
Never think that.
Thanks for being honest.
The longer we met a fear or habit take hold, the harder it is to break free of it.
It takes root.
It's about not pressuring yourself but taking one day at a time.
I would encourage you to begin with opening the door first and just stepping outside.
And then building on it.
You deserve to be happy and healthy and find yourself again 💕💜
Thank you, I mentioned in my other reply i never see it like it is. I just feel what I feel and react. I have a hard time getting help for may reasons but I do keep up with my psychiatrist with a few messaging appointments because anxiety I guess gets the best of me sometimes.
@thecatsme0w
I have found many things I put off or avoided were never as bad as I feared.
you built the roadblocks in your mind that stopped from going out ... you can tear them down. therapy does not fix you ... it just talks you into seeing and finding your own answers... I think you show great strength in starting to write this.
I make small list in my mind of all small things I want to do. each step gives me confidence to finally tackle a bigger challenge. in the words of Nike JUST DO IT
Hearing it like that makes more sense compared to I feel ways I don’t like when certain topics come up. Even my partner mentioning going out to get breakfast I love the idea but I snap and show anger over so much like I’m always protecting myself when I know I don’t even need to do that. I do get upset with myself for how I act or what I do sometimes out of fear that I don’t initially see there at first.
@thecatsme0w
There is no rush do things at your pace but do things.... each step gets you closer to being unafraid and not holding back.