My situation
I want to share my general situation.
I am not sure what to do. A lot has been going on and I don’t have many people to talk to about it so I thought why not just put it out there? Get it off my chest. So here it goes. I am an 18 year old female. I was diagnosed with trichotellomania, basically meaning I pull out my hair without being able to stop. Dermatatellomania, which is picking at my skin, and anxiety and depression. I believe I have an undiagnosed eating disorder as well as slight OCD. I have been told I am in an abusive environment. Maybe I am too close to truly see it but I am questioning whether or not it’s true. People have told me my dad is mentally and emotionally abusive. I am scared of older men, men in positions of power, men who weigh more than I and are stronger than I, and men who are taller than I, men who look even remotely like my dad. I used to be in therapy after I talked to a school counselor months before I graduated and they called my mom basically telling her either I was put in therapy or I couldn’t go back to school. I was in therapy for 3 weeks before my dad decided I did not need to talk to her twice a week and had my mom change the scheduling so she has to call to set up online appointments. But I am not comfortable with that so I have not been talking with her. I am not allowed to have a job so I have no money, I am not allowed go anywhere by myself, to go to friends houses without my mom, I’m not allowed any online accounts. They do not know about 7 cups. Up until recently I had an app on my phone that monitored everything so I could not reach out for support. I unfortunately am a people pleaser and tend to do things I do not want to do just to keep people happy and to avoid yelling. I am scared of yelling and loud noises due to some stuff that has happened with my dad. My sister is taking after my dad and I have to live with her when I leave for college in a few months. That was my parents condition for letting us go to college a few hours away from them. I don’t talk to anyone about myself, and if I do I feel ashamed and guilty. I mostly fake a smile and say I’m fine. And I’ve gotten so used to it that I can’t stop doing it. When I did talk to someone about it they called the police for a wellness check and I lied to them and convinced them that they had the wrong place and person. I know I shouldn’t have and I feel bad about it still. So I do not talk to anyone about myself nor do I trust many people. I am not sure what to do about all of this.
@BlueJay06
I don’t have any answers for you, but please keep up the strength and courage to keep coming here and if for nothing else, just to vent. Stay strong, and stay safe….
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Thank you. I will try to keep coming here because it definitely seems like a wonderful place filled with a lot of lovely people.
@BlueJay06 thank you so much for sharing from the heart and explaining some of the conditions that you struggle with. Understanding for me personally is key. You are going through so much and I'm genuinely sorry that you do not have a proper support system in place. You come across as a lovely, warm and caring person and I hope in time you'll gain the strength to see that and you'll be able to find the peace and healing that you need to live your life as you see fit. Wishing you all the happiness in the world and nice to meet you 💜🥰
@Amanda84 Thank you so much. You seem like a lovely person and I am very thankful for your response.
@BlueJay06 ah thank you, I'm pretty chill until I'm hungry that is 🤣 nice to meet you 😊
@Amanda84 Nice to meet you too
@BlueJay06 okay so you definitely need to talk to figure out your options and get support and work on your healing... now since you did talk to someone and it went against you I'd say talk anonymously here on this app as you're protected... listen to people's feedback and get tips ... then figure out what works best for you...
Regarding the father wound you're suffering I completely understand and can even relate to you. Once an authority figure has made us feel scared we tend to get scared of the gender in general... your fear of other older men makes complete sense given the abuse you've had.
Regarding fake smiles and people pleasing I can again understand your situation. You're scared and you want to play it safe. It's an okay thing to do and it's great you've recognised how you truly feel verses the mask you wear. To be honest, everyone in society wears a mask to some extent. So while you strive to make true connections (which do happen as well - don't give up hope) it's okay to function in society the way its easier for you to deal with its noise.
I hope one day you can be your authentic self and find the love and appreciation you deserve. Until then hook on to patience, grace and honesty with yourself.
For disorders requiring professional help, try to get to it even if is online support .... Fears do go away. Anxiety and depression are curable. I'm sorry at such a young age you're experiencing so much but I assure you there is hope to come out of all this. I'm saying this from personal experience.
@Creamyyy Thank you so much. I definitely know I need to talk, as you probably know it’s just hard to do. Especially when stuff like that has happened in the past. I’m new here and I’m still trying to figure out how everything works, what I can and can’t say, stuff like that
@BlueJay06 there are a few options. You can post on forums here and get response from people but keep in mind these posts will be accessible to anyone using the app... so if you want more privacy maybe talk to a listener 1-on-1 talk. With listeners I'd caution you in advance there will be a lot of hit and try.. there are some truly kind wise souls out here to listen to your story and give you love and understanding.... but some may be just a waste of time so you will have to move on when you run into that.... also there is group listening where people go in turns to share what's on their mind... I got really positive and encouraging vibes from there... overall this is a really good place to be in... I hope you benefit from it ❤️
@Creamyyy thank you. I’ve been to the sharing circle but I always feel like I am taking up room for someone who needs it more. I think these forums and the sharing circle are what I’ll stick with
Hello from Spain, flower.
Your pain and suffering has reached me here. And you don't know how sorry I am that you are going through such a situation.
What I can tell you to help you is that I support you, you are a very brave person, who has enough contact with herself (and that is very difficult) and a person who knows how to manage her emotions.
We are what we are, not what they make us to be. Don't ever forget that.
I thank you for having the courage to open your heart in this way and to express your emotions as you have done. It is indeed a very brave thing to do.
I trust you will get better and always trust that light always wins over darkness.
A hug from Spain