I guess I rushed to conclusions too soon?
I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I kind of want to...? I don't know tbh. Half the time I don't know what i want and the other half I'm unsure of the wants so who am i to say?
So, I joined 7cups because i felt I'm hurting myself too much (mentally, nothing more- pls don't think anything wrong) and that maybe i should start working on myself before nothing is left of me. It's not like I'm depressed or something.. i just don't know what is it.
I saw a post on a community- "how are you feeling "actually"?" And.. i didn't know.. i don't know how to feel? i thought talking would help me since i don't have real life friends with whom i can converse (they're too busy settling down, so I'm not going to hold them for my tears nd stuff) and here on 7cups.. talking even to listener is hard (not saying 7cups listeners are bad- no no, you guys are amazing!). I'm not even sure what i need the listener for.. what to tell them? how to answer them? which piece of my scattered life shall i share to not sound too needy? i honestly don't want to go see a therapist, they are the last person i want to meet (no offence) too or could afford one at the moment. Oh, and i hate hobbies.. so they don't work for me too.
When i joined 7cups, i talked to a listener and somehow i felt maybe this could be my thing.. then i discovered groups where you can discuss not just issues but your ups and downs both or just laugh out loud with people and coincidently i happen to have a call with my friends too that day and suddenly my hope skyrocketed and i felt things are working for me suddenly! yay! and now... it's all back to normal.. back to square 1. feeling useless and frustrated once again, with no motivation to talk, whatsoever.
I am not beyond repair, am I? I mean it's not like I'm broken at the first place.. I've just built up this void inside of me in which I've become so comfortable that i don't like the way out.? My issues are not even that big, I've just let them grow inside of me to make me feel like 'ooooh.... i have so many issues' while in reality i got nothing more than a high school drama in adulthood. lol
I don't even know why I'm still writing or what i expect as a response.
(ps: i don't know how to delete this, so if the community members feel it's not something that i should post, pls feel free to remove it, if that's possible)
@lovingGrapefruit2611
we all have a bit of that .... at a million times i could relate ...........where i feel fine then bam back at square one ... unable to verbalize (even to myself ) .......just what do i want to do - or sometimes even eat...... the nothingness of is this all there is starts to wear on me ..........
i have become snarky with others for no real reason ..........i cannot share with them why but I just expected more out of life... it makes days long and annoying when i feel that way ................... i have quit jobs or friendships thinking they were the issue but nope it is like my shadow popping up especially after i have had some good days... if any of that made sense.............
@toughTiger6481
hey, yea it does make sense.. in fact, it felt as if you continued my words itself...
@lovingGrapefruit2611 hey! It sounds like my experience when I was younger maybe. I would get in a lightly depressed state, then I’d hang out with some people and feel better and somehow concluded that I “figured it out, and things were going to be good, smooth sailing ahead.” Then my interactions didn’t go well, and like you say, “back to square one.” If this sounds about right, I think the issue might be that you are expecting to find steady-state happiness and that may not be realistic.
@hopefulPond6108
if I can be honest with you... I'm not sure if i'm looking for "steady state" of happiness... i don't even remember when i was last happy, I'm not even sure what it feels like anymore... so i'd say i maybe got greedy to look for something that might for once make me happy, even for a moment..?
when the highs came, i just felt lighter with the feeling that "whew, it's done".. nothing more, nothing less
@lovingGrapefruit2611 so it sounds like you did find happiness but it was fleeting. There may be a way to let more happy moments into your life. You used the word “greedy” and I found that interesting. My belief is that we deserve to be happy. Maybe say more about what you meant by greedy?
@hopefulPond6108
greedy as in... i was living in a blank monotonous state, trying to live up to the expectations of my family (to which I've utterly been failing by now, becoming more of a burden on everyone) and then suddenly one day i dared to question what would it be like to change this state? can using a platform like this help me break this monotony and maybe experience what people call "happiness". so, the greed of mine, wanting to be more than alive i guess...
@lovingGrapefruit2611
U sound like me... If I see myself from far there is nothing wrong with me. The only thing is wrong what I am holding. Even I know it's hurting me but I am not letting it go. I am disaster to myself. Is anyone can help? I
@lovingGrapefruit2611
Hi Grapefruit! 😊❤️ Thank you for your forum post and for sharing with us! ❤️ I know that takes a lot of courage and I commend you my friend!
Something about your forum post just *speaks to me* ❤️ While I might not be in your position, I do have a dear friend that I surmise might have some of the same feelings and thoughts that you are. Not sure, but on my end, it's a good guess. It can be hard to open up to people at sometimes.
The world can teach us to try to be self reliant, to "buck up" and just do it, "get er' done". *sighs* This can make it difficult, for us as people, to finally have our moments, our own time, our own sacred space and to finally let the guards down enough to chat with someone, become vulnerable and let another in when our entire lives, we have held strong. I wonder if you are experiencing what is called "cognitive dissonance".....holding two separate values, thoughts or feelings at the same time?
That can be difficult. To want to reach out, to want to connect, to want to be heard and understood but yet, in the back of our minds, some little voice speaks....."don't do it" (it's not your voice speaking in that instance, that is voice of others from your past or society, in my opinion). I am here to tell you that it's okay to do it ❤️ I give you permission to feel, to think, to grow. To reach out for support. Interestingly enough, sometimes that is what it takes, for another human being to tell us that yes, we matter, we are worthy, our feelings matter.
You are not being needy. You are not broken and you are not beyond repair! I send you big big *hugs* ❤️ I feel like you have been strong enough, on your own and maybe for far too long. We all need help from time to time. It's okay 😊❤️😊 You need not be an island unto yourself. We as humans are not designed for that. People need people.
I'm glad that you are enjoying the rooms! I'm really glad that you are seeing the benefit of them. I hear you saying that you reached out to a listener once. It's okay if it felt awkward, hard to open up. Completely understandable my friend! I think you are an amazing human being also for not blaming it on the listener if they had done nothing wrong. Clearly, they must have done something right. It's okay to feel like "well, it's just a me thing". I think trying something, anything for the first time can be difficult. I believe in baby steps.
I wonder if you might be willing to reach out to a trained active listener again? You can do that whenever you like 😊 It really should be an opportunity for you to express yourself, no pressure from your listener. No expectations, just chatting. Wondering if you start small, let things out in little bursts, over time, simply even seeing your own words typed on the page in front of you could possibly help?
One of the things I like to say to my members is "where you lead, I shall follow" ❤️ Many people come here to 7 cups and have had their "power" taken away from them in some way or another. Lots and lots of ways that can happen. It's an interesting concept. I wonder if you are feeling as if you are not worthy of being heard? Is this possibly one of the ways that has happened for you, power taken away? If you try again, I'm hoping your listener will play a fiduciary role, in helping you to take your power back! Yes, you are worthy my friend! ❤️
Some times, we as people, look through the branches when we should be digging at the roots. You strike me as an incredibly deep thinker. I feel as if you know yourself a wee bit better than you think you do. "Know thy self". Wow! You seem to be a lot farther along than you may realize. 😊❤️😊
If you would ever like to try again, to reach out to a trained active listener, one thing that I feel can be beneficial is to go to our "browse listener" page. I like to think of it as a mini job interview. You can check out their profile pages, see what they have to say about themselves in their bio's. See if something said there "speaks to you", helps you to feel a commonality, makes you feel as if they could potentially be a good choice as a listener and worthy of your time. Sometimes even looking at their positive written reviews from members can be helpful. I see it as the seal of approval from other members that sought help and support from that listener. Those member reviews can be quite telling about how that listener operates!
I see members as my teammates as well. Some days our members can be our very best teachers! 😊❤️They have the power to reward by providing a positive written review if they were so incredibly moved by the care and dedication to them from that listener as well as to report for negative behavior.
I hope you won't give up! You matter as well as your feelings! I think you have made an excellent choice by posting in the forum area. This is a great place to chat, speak of your feelings. The forums as well as rooms might be more to your liking. Hold strong. Again, baby steps. Feel free to continue utilizing and feeling the benefits of the forums. I love forums and I love all of the amazing peeps that contribute and help one another.
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️ I'm rooting for you!!!! 😊
@SparkyGizmo
Hey, thanks for accepting my words as they are instead of finding an unnecessarily positive side to each word and then putting it all in my head. i get what you're saying and would for sure give it another try. thanks for these encouraging words.. they might not have reached the core yet but for sure have made a crack, so i guess 2 steps forward, 1 step backward is still 1 step forward.?
Thanks again. *high fives*
@lovingGrapefruit2611
You are most welcome my friend! ❤️ 😊 My intentions, of course, are to validate you as well as your feelings and emotions! Interesting thing about feelings (words here in this thread used to express them) .......our feelings are the one thing in this world that no one can argue with us about. They are ours and ours alone. We are the one that feels them, not someone else. Our perception is our reality. You have a right to your feelings! ❤️
I am happy to know that you can sense me accepting your words as they are instead of adding an unnecessary positive spin to each and every one of them. Nopie, nope, nope.... no "spin Dr." am I ! 😊 To do so would be doing what I refer to as toxic positivity. To me, that would be almost like you said "putting it all in your head" as well as me taking away from you instead of giving to you. That to me would be negating your feelings and emotions. I feel like that is a horrible thing to do to another human being. While I might be a highly positive person, toxic positivity is soooooo not my style! 😊❤️
It doesn't work to *throw a bunch of sunshine, potpourri and cupcakes* at someone and then expect for them to just accept it and move along. That isn't growth, it isn't development. That would not be rolling up ones sleeves and digging down deep to do the work, the hard work, the "soul work" to quote our founder, Glen! 😊❤️
It's okay that I have "not reached the core yet". The way I see things, we didn't get into this place overnight so it would difficult to find resolution in just one night. But eureka! Ta-dah! Abracadabra! Oh my, the magic happens around here every day.😊❤️😊 Either we look for it or we create it!
Thank you for letting me know that I "made a crack"! Sometimes the cracks in our foundations is where the light is finally able to come in and to truly reach us! Indeed my friend, 2 steps forward, 1 back is still that step forward!
I'm still here, feel free to keep sharing if you like. Feel free to engage in "stream of consciousness" and just let it flow. All flow, no frazzle. No pressure, forums are amazing so that one can go at their own pace and speak of things that are on their mind.
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo
To be honest, i don't usually like people who try to impose positivity on me. Every time i tried to communicate my things all i heard was- "This too shall pass." "everything happens for a reason". "Trauma just makes you stronger". "Try figuring it out, you'll get it." I AM NOT ABLE TO, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S WHY I WAS ASKING.??? Why everything HAS to have a positive side.?
These were the things i was always going through whenever i tried "talking". I don't believe in the "it could have been worst/people have it worst". NO. All i wanted from people was "not everything happens for a reason, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail." (no I'm not Ryan, in case you didn't get the reference).
I know I'm failing miserably, not improving. But I'm not getting worst too now? Can't anyone see that? I'm not asking people for their empathy or pity- i hate that the most. No. Criticise me if there's a need. I always take criticism howsoever harsh.
sometimes i just want to shout, you know, very loudly.. (TMI: i have a very loud voice) and say that i can't do it. I'm done trying and failing and not getting anywhere and being a disappointment. But then i remembers that if i do that, my building mates will call the cops XD.
But, at the end of the day.. yes, i don't like this state. yes, i know i need to change, i need to grow, i need to get better- >for me<. And i AM trying.. i guess, I'll bark up the right tree someday. (now i'm getting too ambitious i think.. hope? am i allowed to have that. this recurrent feeling i guess is what i have to start off with)
Sorry.. i lost track of what i was intending to write or why i started writing and i don't know if anything i'm saying even connects to what you were saying and what I'm replying to. But writing like this felt somehow less burdensome.
Thank you, if you're still reading. *high fives*
@lovingGrapefruit2611
I just so happen to agree with that sentiment! ❤️ Others imposing positivity upon us really doesn't feel so very good many times! Does it feel a bit dismissive? And especially when we are reaching out for support? Do these comments make you feel as if you have not been heard? (it would to me).
Those comments that you mentioned from others, at first blush may come across as supportive and kind...to some. I imagine that those who said them to you meant well (possibly). Some people simply have their own limitations and might not be the best to go to. Some have their own agenda's and they can be vastly different than our own.
I can relate to how of all those comments could make you feel. I too, have heard them before. *sighs* I'll add a few to our list here, lol! 😊 Let's see....well, there is always the good ole' "just get up and rub some dirt in it, that didn't hurt...you'll get better before you get married". "What doesn't k you only makes you stronger". Gizzie be like, thanks pal! hahah hahah There is always the lovely "hurt people, hurt people" as well as "you hurt the ones you love the most". Hmmmm....some days you wish you could explain to people that those cliches' where not meant to be directives on how to treat others. If that is how it goes then I would kindly ask the ones saying that, to please stop loving me! 😊❤️
I loved the reference as well as the quote! I see you are a fan of "The Office". *high fives* 😊 As am I! Pretty wonderful to see Dwight K. Schrute bringing "the heat and bringing the noise" with some wisdom. (Goes back to something I said on my profile page "We can learn something from anyone and everyone that we meet" Thank you my friend for proving that point)! 😊❤️ In addition, I really enjoy your writing style as well as your sense of humor! Clearly, your funny bone is intact! 😊
So, I hear you saying that "All I wanted from people was".............that quote from above. Hey Grapefruit, happy to oblige.......wait for it, wait for it........not everything is a lesson Grapefruit. Sometimes you just fail ❤️❤️❤️ And failing doesn't feel so very good and I know this. I send you big *hugs* ❤️
Once again, coming right on back to a pivotal moment I had with and words from our founder, Glen "fall down, get up, fall down get up". I have embraced that. Not only have I embraced that concept, I have added onto it with "wash, rinse, repeat"...so simple, found on the back of most shampoo bottles. lol 😊 In addition, my feelings are that there is more to be said about a human in how they got back up than in how they fell down in the first place!
Pity, sooooooo the worst! I do not pity you my friend, not in the least. My pity is reserved for people that behave in deplorable ways, that consistently exhibit negative behaviors. That word is reserved for people that emotionally, mentally or physically abuse others and refuse to stop. Once I pity someone, I'm done! There is a vast difference between empathy and pity. 😊❤️
(I'm trying to respond by going line by line or thought by thought....I imagine you can tell).
Maybe what you would prefer is more along the lines of constructive feedback as opposed to being criticized? Who wouldn't? *raises hand* *jumps up and down, pick me, pick me* 😊 I'm open to that. Again, vast difference. Constructive feedback, I feel, if done in the right way can be really great for growth and personal development. No one wants to be devalued and or picked apart and it potentially being based on someone elses hidden agenda or their very own personal problems.
It sounds as if to me you are "barking up the right tree" currently. Your very own! You are trying! I am glad that you have hope. Once we have lost hope, we have lost everything, now haven't we? Again, yes, you are allowed to have hope. ❤️ Again, I give you permission to have hope. ❤️
No need to apologize. I again, applaud you! 😊 You did precisely something that I mentioned that I thought could be fortuitous........stream of consciousness. Glad that you, in your words "lost track" but I don't think you did, at all. Looks to me like all flow and no frazzle.😊 You were simply wandering and "all who wander are not lost". I'm really glad that you felt that writing this way was less burdensome! Weeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeee! 😊
No worries, I"m listening, intently. Everything that you said highly resonates with me. You are most welcome my friend and in fact, the privilege is all mine! ❤️
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo
hey.. i just want to say one thing and i don't know how anyone else would see it as, but as far as I've been able to get the vibe from you... you might understand.. i haven't read anyone's long msges, actually not read any long text or too many words written anywhere in past few months.. it kind of throws me off. but something about your words kept me going and i didn't want to stop reading till the end. So, thank you for that.
Also, thank you for the smile i saw on my face after i read your words, quite got the blanket comfie feelz (ooh, getting cliche, i guess :p) but yea... it's quite a rare sight for me since i am not really socializing much. So, thank you for that.
The fact that the words kept going and i didn't feel like i should backspace it all because maybe you'll judge.. um.. yea I'm working on that.
Also, if you'd like.. an update on my life... i finally bought something that i had been eyeing for like 2 yrs now (it wasn't that big thing.. just cost a few bucks but any extra expense than food felt extra too me *sighs*). Usually, after adding to cart I used to always cancel it thinking i don't deserve to buy stuff for myself, not earning and still studying and failing in exams for a job, one year after another, in itself is a burden on my parents, i shouldn't leech off more from them. But today, i tried to be courageous enough to suppress that thought and not stop till i clicked the payment done option. and by that i don't mean I'm gonna start spending on stuff without a second thought, i just would try not to always feel guilty about taking extra oxygen in a breath if i do by mistake or i need some time. Because if the crack can happen (previous chat reference) i guess i can break it all (or maybe enough to get the light i need) and get the life that i had once wanted.
And now i realised, i opened this post saying i'd like to say one thing and then went on for like so many paras. *facepalm*
*hugs* and *thanks*
@lovingGrapefruit2611
I so so related to this post and I just want to hold space for your experience. whatever you are feeling makes so much sense. and I know that we can sometimes bash ourselves that we are controlling it all and if we would have the right attitude we would just feel good already and I wonder about that.
Can we just give space to what we feel even if we are judging ourselves, and we are upset that were judging ourselves and then were upset that were upset that were judging ourselves... the loop y aknow.
I sometimes imagine the entire world being empty and just giving so much space to all of our experience and i want to do that right here. u deserve space. so much space for all ur feelings.
@lovingGrapefruit2611
Hi Grapefruit! 😊❤️ Happy Fri-yay! 😊 as well as Happy St. Patricks Day! Hoping you are wearing green today as, how the tradition goes, if one is not, they get pinched 😃. Eek! 😳 *sends you lucky 4 leaf clover* ,🍀 gift from me to you!
Thank you for your response to me my friend! ❤️ I can understand what you mean and in fact, you have no idea how much that means to me as a new teammate for you, as a listener, as your new friend and as a human being! ❤️
Wow! 😊 What a gift you have given to me today! To tell me that my words kept you going, fully engaged and not wanting to stop reading till the end. Your positive feedback is monumental. *breaths deeply* Just feels good to sit in the moment, *sit in the space with you* and to hear that I'm on the right path, that my efforts matter, that I am helping and that I'm getting traction! Thank you for seeing value in me! ❤️
I really cannot thank you enough also for letting me know that my words brought a smile to your face! 😊 Weeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeee! 😊 Oh my gosh, the blanket comfie feelz! Right on! Hey now, I have arrived! You speak my language and you are part of my "tribe". I take my blankies and pillows quite seriously! (Something I truly love in real life) ❤️
Nothing brings me more joy than to know that you could ease up on that backspace key! *fist bumps* Glad that you are feeling a deeper sense of freedom and knowing that you are in the "no judge zone" here with me! 😊 Feeling judged, misunderstood, not feeling heard does have a way of halting communication. That be like, sooooo icky! 😁 haha
I loveeeeeeeee hearing updates on your life! ❤️ Aha! I see that Grapefruit has made a purchase, something their heart has desired and for 2 years now! Clearly this was no "impulse buy". Clearly this is something that you have wanted for a very long time, something that you know would bring you a bit of joy, comfort. Crack #2......Gizzie *hears angels singing* "The heart wants, what the heart wants Leonard"......you are not Leonard but hoping you got the reference 😊. Crack #2 seems to me you buying that "creature comfort" (it's what I call things like that, that may not be a necessity) for yourself. You did it and you felt no guilt! ❤️ You took that moment to stop denying yourself of some of the great things that life has to offer, things that you deserve, things that you are worthy of! I applaud you!
You know, gee, sometimes the things we tell ourselves. Negative self talk. Things like, I don't deserve, I am not worthy, I am a problem, I am a drain on others. Sometimes it can be like, even when those negative people are not around us, we just go ahead and do their dirty work for them. We pick up where they left off. We allow their voices to live in our minds. We allow them to live rent free in our heads and maybe now is the time when they will be given the eviction notice! 😊 Baby steps!
I'm glad that you chose to speak to yourself differently! ❤️ This is where some positivity is now reaching into one of those cracks my friend! I think you are ready for it! 😊❤️ You changed out a negative thought with a positive one and you saw your self worth. Yes, you are deserving of all things good! ❤️
Wonder if it becomes like a cycle. And so, denying yourself, not feeling the joy is influencing a great deal more in your life. Maybe keeping you back. Keeping you from being as productive as you might want to be, feeling good enough to have a clear head to achieve what you want to?
I'm really happy today! Thank you for allowing me to be here with you and to celebrate your victory! ❤️ It's quite the privilege!
Also, no worries........I'm glad you kept on going, kept on thinking, kept on writing, kept on sharing. This is your thread, your space! This is your time! It's okay to "own it". This is space is about you and for you!
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
