Im an incel. I beg you, help me, i dont have money for therapy thats why im here.

I'll be honest: what you say is true, it's clearly harder to find a partner when you don't match canonical beauty standards. But even if you don't believe it, the fact that it can be difficult means that it is still possible. Your needs for closeness and intimacy are appropriate and I don't think the right choice is to repress them: if you want to love and be loved, you will have to make an effort. Easier said than done, but I'm sure you can do it. If you think you need it, you might consider taking a break from dating apps to think about yourself and what you are looking for. We remain at your disposal, take care

@honestCar1332 If you went on Tinder looking for "mutual sympathy" that's probably where your problem is. Women aren't hunting for a guy to feel sympathy for. They want a guy who has his stuff together. Is that even you?

I, too am an incel and I'm over 60. Its embarrassing. Its one of my deepest held secrets. There's nothing like the feeling of walking into a room full of people and realizing you're the only one who has never been really intimate with someone else. Who can relate?? Can I describe the feeling of being, from all casual appearances the only one who for over 40 years has always heard "...I'm not interested in you physically" or "...I'm not going to have sex with you" Can I describe the feeling of trying to live your life with some semblance of integrity and still end up as fodder for stand up comedians and juvenile movie scripts? Its always assumed that if you're past a certain age and you've never been married, no children, that either its a personal choice or somethings wrong with you. The only personal choice is the one made by the person who chooses not to be with you and runs off with somebody else. Personally, I expect to die a virgin. I don't have much to offer but at 27 you're still young. The numbers are still on your side. For me its always been about acceptance, slogging through it - easier said than done. The only thing I could say is stay true to yourself, don't compromise, keep your act clean and your conscience clear.

As a girl in my 20’s I would like you to know something. Sure, appearance is very important, but listen, appearance isn’t really a matter of bone structure, hair colour or body-build. It’s more about, let’s say ‘’the energy’’ you radiate. (the way you present yourself, the way you carry your body, the way you talk etc.)

There’s nothing more attractive than a man who is confidant in who he is. Maybe that sounds like a cliche but it’s only been said so many times because it’s true. Men who fit current beauty standarts have an easier time being confident (because they see their appearance being celebrated in the media) but that doesn’t mean anyone who doesn’t fit the beauty-ideal is doomed to be unwanted. Many famous actors are actually pretty ugly according to these beauty standart. Not to be rude but take for an instance Adam Driver, just like many other woman I think he is really attractive, however if you really look at his facial features he isn’t conventionally ‘’handsome’’. Just like how Tom Felton or Benedict Cumberbatch have a gigantic fanbase of horny woman. Hell jay-z pulled beyonce!

Anyway what I’m trying to say is: don’t get stuck up on your looks. Focus more on your self-esteem and how you present yourself. that's what really makes someone attractive.

I know it’s impossible to suddenly become confident but remember you can also be confident in your flaws. For example, a guy who is socially awkward can still be super cute and sexy. (I speak from experience) What makes the difference is if he beat’s himself up about it or just accept that he is the way he is.

I wish you good luck. I’m not online often but if you need to talk you can drop me a text.

@honestCar1332, please take @Mari5 seriously, she is telling the truth. I went many years feeling like what you have described. I spent too many years feeling like I would never be with anyone. What do you think might make you attractive to a woman, besides your looks? Here is what I did. I started doing new things that I thought might be interesting to myself and maybe a woman. I took up rock climbing and scuba diving. I read some cheesy book on how to succeed with women. Basically, I took someone out for coffee, I showed up with energy, and confidence, and most importantly, expected nothing but the EXPERIENCE of the date. I tried to put into practice what I learned in the dating book, and my attitude was, “I have nothing to lose,” instead of what I used to do with women, which was basically feel I “really needed them.” What I tried to do before the date was look up some jokes on the internet so I could make her laugh. And most importantly, just let the situation and her LEAD your interest. Just be interested in her, just ask questions. When the time is right, tell her about what you are interested in, but don’t talk too much about you, bring the focus back to her. It’s about balancing the conversation. Give and take. Your “give” is focusing on her, and throw in that joke at the appropriate time. Above all, your there for coffee, not to take her home. To enjoy her company, to entertain her, and don’t act like you care too much whether she likes you or not. I learned this too late in life. I believed I was too ugly and awkward to be with a woman. I got too focused on them and scared some away and also just believed the illusion that “no one wanted to be with me.” Once I changed my approach I was way more successful with women. Some days I really am still amazed that despite my looks, I got second dates, sometimes third dates, sometimes engaged. … I think I heard advice like this myself, but just didn’t believe it applied to me. Be ok with the fact that you really want to be in a relationship. You don’t “need” to be in a relationship, but that DOES NOT mean you should stop pursuing one. Be ok with how your life is RIGHT NOW and be ok with failure if someone turns you down for a date, or if a date goes badly. Take it all as a learning experience. Being with someone is a skill you can learn. Being ok in yourself is also a skill you can learn. Learning the skill of being ok with yourself is actually really cool. It also helps to be with someone else. And it helps in those times when you’re alone. You’ll never make life look like you want it. But if you try some other way, you might be surprised at how they turn out being ok. But don’t stay discouraged. Be patient with the process. Best of luck man!

@honestCar1332 hey buddy, as a man in similar situations as you, I can say how you feel is totally valid. Some of the comments you received were dismissive of your opinions and feelings and you don't deserve it. I also understand that people's advice can only help you slightly because eventually some things are beyond your control. It's just your response to the situation that is in your control. And let me tell you, the way you are dealing with it is the best way to deal with it. And remember, never believe your problems are unique to you. A lot of people are in the same boat. Sometimes, the reasons are not you but the state of the world as a whole.

@honestCar1332 hey I think this might help you…check out Aaron Doughty “5 Traits of extremely attractive people” on Facebook.

@honestCar1332

Look, I am sure that I can't understand the beginning of the pain. I imagine that you have tried upping your personality, but as a girl willing to tell the truth, yeah, appearance matters. The height isn't damning, but I have to say as a girl that face really matters. I feel that girls who say that its all about personality are saying what makes them look good, honestly and not thinking too hard about an actual suggestion for a solution. Personality keeps a girl, and it sounds like you have trouble attracting one, its not a problem of your character. You seem a bit disconnected but its natural considering how disconnected you really were and I can sense that your sincerity shines through.

Well, I guess firstly you sound very depressed. Its not just that you don't have a girlfriend, its that this has hit your confidence so fully that you seem to take little joy in life and have little motivation. "Just improve your personality"doesn't seem to address that. I honestly don't think that 7 cups is going to be enough for you, half of us are teenagers/ young adults, we don't understand, we haven't stood in your shoes. Betterhelp has discounts for those who have less money, plus there is phone numbers which you can call to talk to someone who is a professional. We cannot give you the help you need.

That is the best I have for you, I know its not perfect, but I think thats the most honest answer here.

-EthicalMozart

@honestCar1332 if you are not willing to give "ugly" girls a chance, then why should beautiful girls give *you* a chance?

I think you need to calm down a bit about your beauty standards. attractiveness is honestly not that important when you're having sex, people look away all the time, and there are plenty of positions where you don't have to see someones face.

if YOU practice kindness (in terms of how beautiful the woman needs to be) then women might start giving you that kindness.

we often give off vibes unknowingly. you might be doing that.

@honestCar1332

It really sounds like there is more going on than just problems in dating.

You lost your mother recently and you describe some depressive symptoms that could also indicate grief.

Perhaps explore the reasons why you feel you need a relationship to be a whole complete person? It sounds like you want self esteem and validation by getting attention from a girl who fits your perception of what you want. I could go some layers deeper but essentially you've boxed every woman to a stereotype, boxed yourself to a stereotype and reinforce helplessness when it comes to finding someone to be with.

You get choice in the people you date as well. Perhaps you don't think you deserve it, perhaps you don't want to stray from the ideology but when you try dating you need to see if you actually like spending time around that person - even if it is just as friends.

Talk to people, and especially girls, as people. You need some friends and external support.

You can overcome your emotional and mental difficulties and you can eventually find someone to date.

Plan your life *as if* you will never find someone so that you are whole and complete with your own goals, aspirations and values. Being reliant on someone else to be complete is toxic and co-dependent.

If you feel like a terrible person and wallow in self pity all the time, you're going to end up in an endless loop of self doubt and shame. Take slow and steady steps doing things that boost your self esteem and self worth - do some volunteering perhaps? It goes a long way to actually work on goals of self improvement, especially when you are facing so much loss and uncertainty.