My life

Hi everyone,

I use to be a member of 7 cups a number of years ago but had to stop and close my account due to needing professional help and support, I only returned yesterday and I'm so glad I came back, I have realised in a short time why I first joined 7 Cups and the passion I had and I am getting that back.

My Story below isn't meant to trigger anyone but it does contain elements of child abuse and violence, it is merely because I have never really spoken to anyone in full detail about the FULL details of my past and 7 cups is the only place I feel safe enough to post it, so feel free to just read and leave :)

I grew up in the UK with my mum and dad and my brother who is 4 years older than me, I was sexually abused by my brother from age 11 until I was 15, only a couple of months before my 16th birthday, and also was at the receiving end of verbal and at times physical abuse by my parents.

At the same time as this, I was being quite badly bullied at school as I was throughout my school life and the bullying got worse, I was the "freak" of the school so the girls I liked would never have looked twice at me and my confidence and self-esteem would never have allowed me to go s far as dating anyway.

after I left school I went to college and I experienced episodes of bisexuality, I blame this on on-going sexual abuse as a child, I was having constant episodes of relationships with guys until at 18, the last guy I was with, raped me, brutally and I went into a huge downward spiral mentally, I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act due to self-harm, suicidal intentions and attempts, at age 19, I met a girl, she was stunning and a great relationship, for reasons not fully known to myself she had to move away, but she was pregnant, so once the baby was born, it was difficult to maintain a relationship with my daughter, she was the most beautiful and precious thing to ever happen to me, when she was 3, she passed away due to heart related issued which were ongoing and I had a mental shut down, again self-harming and suicidal attempts.

Following that recovery, I was in and out of relationships but they were all toxic and full of abuse towards me and I went into a downward spiral of self-neglect and care, sometimes going days, weeks and even months without having a wash, brushing my teeth or changing my clothes.

At age 24 I met a women 10 years older than me, she had 4 children including a very young boy, and we began a relationship, it was fun in the beginning, she got pregnant quite quickly and being Christian as well as her, we said we should get married so by the time the baby was born, we were married, but then she began name calling such as "you're gay", "gayboy", "Where's your boyfriend?" and in the extent of our 10 year marriage, this continued throughout and she would often say "It's a joke!" but is it a joke after so many years? especially when she knew my history?

The relationship started to turn toxic quite quickly, frequent arguments, triggering me knowing what those triggers are, I was working 14 hour shifts 5/6 days a week and she would constantly say "you need to work more, we need more money", she has held knives to my throat, pinned me against a wall, thrown a plate at my head, pans, cups, cutlery etc.

Working so much and coming home after very long shifts to this behaviour started to drain me but due to the control she had over me, I felt I couldn't leave, and in the instances I tried to, she would use the "If you go through that door, you're not seeing your kids again" so then adding entrapment to that list.

We separated in 2020 after I had a mental breakdown, by then I was working 14 hour shifts 7 days a week, coming home to get the kids sorted for bed, we have kids with special needs so sometimes I'd be up most of the night and going to a 14 hour shift with 0 sleep, also adding that I was sometimes doing 1.5h to 2h travelling, and when I had a breakdown, she basically said "I can't deal with you, I've had enough of you" and that was the final straw, and I had got the power in me to say to myself, even if I lose my kids, I'm leaving this disaster of a relationship, and the trigger point was when I saw tears in my 8 year olds eyes because of our aggressive arguing and her attempted violence, and I just said "Look at her face, this is stopping, TODAY!" and I walked through the door and I felt so hurt and upset but the biggest feeling of freedom and release.

That was 2 years ago and I haven't returned to work, I'm on long term sickness leave, awaiting trauma therapy and on a cocktail of antipsychotic and antidepressant drugs, I tried to go back to work last year but I found it too much and I was starting the breakdown cycle again so went straight back to sick leave.

That very young boy my then wife had, I brought him up most of his life, now he is a 13 year old boy, he's my son, I adopted him and he taught me true love, I love my other kids don't get me wrong, but I have an incredible bond with him and he can make me laugh so hard.

Today, I am very antisocial, I have no friends (although I'd love to make some new ones), The only people I have around me is my mum and dad and my kids, I have a heart of gold still, but my moods still fluctuate sometimes by the hour or minute circumstantial.

I have gender dysphoria, meaning I struggle with Gender Identity, I am male, happy with my male body, but feel more 80% feminine and 20% male, I struggle with sexuality and sexual arousal is non-existent.

I am diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, ADHD, Autism as well as many mental health issues.

One thing remains the same and one thing only, as much as I don't like being around people, I want to help people using my life experiences, because I believe that together, we can all contribute to making this already cruel enough world, a better place.

That's why I joined 7 cups all those years ago, and why I've returned as a Listener, and it is one of the best services available that I have seen.

If any of you want a chat, or maybe become friends, feel free to message me.

Lots of love to you all

Take care and keep safe ❤️