One difficult emotion I have been experiencing recently is.....
Feeling invisible
Suffocation
The bizzare combination of trying to be grateful for everything that I have while constantly realizing how deeply sad, dissatisfied, and unfufilled I currently feel with life as a whole right now. I grew up with the sensibility of appreciating everything that you have around you which has gotten me pretty far for many years. However, when you end up emotionally and physcally alone, still working at a job that feels more and more like a mentally draining nightmare on loop with each passing day (that's becoming less and less worth the low paycheck), and forced to live somewhere that you're not comfortable in until you find a new home for yourself, that sensibility starts to become immensely challenging. Life has decided to throw every major dilemma at me all at once as oppose to having them take turns respectfully.
Now I'm constantly feeling like I have to plan some spectacular escape out of my situation without knowing how I could possibly plan things out. One issue affects the other which puts me in a position where i feel trapped in a handicap match that I'm clearly losing. Trapped with no exit route in sight. Well, there is one giant red EXIT sign flashing in the distance, but I know exactly where that route's heading and I'm not gonna fall for it. Let's just say it's an Exit sign pointing to a staircase that leads downwards. No thanks. Although sometimes it is a little tempting on my worst days. There's always something pulling me back. I pray that what pulls me away from that path also brings me on the path to peace and happiness.
Loneliness. Iv'e been making great progress, but I guess it's something that won't instantly fade. Just one day at a time.
@BrownEyedDragonfly
RIgh there with ya. It's a "you never know how the day's gonna go" situation for me. One day I'm so distracted by somethng that it fades to the background, another day it's front and center with nothing successfully keeping it at bay. These things take time, but I pray that you find only healthy solutions to dealing with it and that God puts forth an oppurtunity for you to solve said problem.
We're not meant to be alone in this world. Just a little something hopefully comforting to keep in mind.
Misunderstood or lonely, not appreciated.
@MelanieDaniels63 lemme ask you something. Are you happy and satisfied with whatever you did? If yes, congratulate yourself. You deserve it :')
@lyricalSea85 Thanks for the kind words and comment have a great day/night !
Anxious. I've been anxious over my health this past 2 or 3 years. But it getting worse this year. And no one want to hear me talking about that since it's sound silly for them.
Inferiority. I get intimidated easily from girls who bully me but are clearly doing it simply because theyre jealous. Sometimes I just want to hide because I feel like I dont really deserve friends
Sadness.. and hate. I had a really rough year. I went through so much that broke my heart into a million pieces, and I can't fix it. I literally feel broken. I can't stop crying. Now I have hatred towards a few of the people who caused this sadness. I want them to feel how I do right now!! I want them to feel this pain and this hurt that I have inside. I want KARMA to hit them, and hit them hard!!! They are bad people- very toxic!!! A bunch of p.o.s people!!
@BrokenHearted2018
Consdidering how old this post is, I'm not sure what the progress on your situation is. What i'll say is, if these people are truly "toxic", then perhaps they're not worth your time and anger. These emotions will only hurt you more in the grand scheme of things. Wishing bad on others (even others that seem like they deserve it) won't truly fix anything as it will only give temporary relief but not of the healthy kind whatsoever. What you need (AND DESERVE) is time for yourself to really take a step back, take a long breather, ease down a bit, and try to peacefully reflect on everything that happened and find a healthy way to progress forward.
Not saying that it's going to be easy as heart breaks in any sense isn't meant to be easy (trust me as someone who just lost his wife recently). I can't say that what I did will work for you, but I will say that putting more time into stressing out will only make things a billion times worst. You deserve the time to peacefully and carefully work things out for the better. Make peace with your past (and I mean truly and genuinely make peace...not sideline and ignore) and find the best path to move forward righteously.
That was the direction that I took. What was once a stress inducing shattered heart for me that left me in a pool of anxiety, depression, sadness, and loneliness waiting for the end to come has transitioned (patiently given time as things don't happen over night with these things) into a much clearer mind, a new and stronger sense of direction in life, and a bit of a peace of mind towards the whole thing.
I say this to say that I pray that you find peace. Minds came with my decision to start truly and deeply building a relationship with God. I hope you find yours to.
@SaleemF
I am really so very sorry to hear that you lost your wife. My prayers go out to you.
I believe in God and I pray. I believe that God helped me in situations where I prayed and asked for help, so God is not absent from my life.
These toxic people are not in my life. They have been gone for a bit. I will not completely get into what they did, but it was not right or deserved. I have always treated them with kindness because I have a big heart. They did me wrong in very bad ways and when people do that, karma has a way of catching up with them. It's not that I sit here constantly and think about them, it just hits me every once in awhile & I just break down.
I lost my child a little over a year ago (miscarriage). It was due to what I went through at the hands of one of these toxic people. I will never forget that because I will never have another child. I can't get pregnant. It's one of those situations where I can't forgive this person. It was a very bad situation. I will no longer see this person, or run into her hopefully. But it doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or have God in my life, because God is present.
I am not as sad as I was about these toxic people because time has helped me heal a little. I will heal more as time goes on, but to forgive people who caused me so much harm- I can't. The thoughts of them will eventually go away in time. I had this happen before (bad ppl) & time helped me heal.
Thank you for your concern and understanding. I appreciate it.
@BrokenHearted2018
You have absolutely no idea how happy it makes me to hear (read?) that you have healed in time and that you KNOW deep down that time will indeed heal all wounds despite some of the more difficult ones. It's a key component in life that many people have either ignored or simply are not aware of. It gives me joy knowing that even in all of your hurt, you recognize that the future can indeed be brighter than what the present may make it out to be. It also gives me joy that you have placed God in your life (especially in these troubling times) and that you have separated yourself from the things (let's say people in this case) that you know are poison to your livelyhood.
Keep on making these powerful and healthy decisions and I know your life will be given peace and joy in the grand scheme of things. I shall continue to pray for you.
P.S.
Forgiveness...boy talk about one of the absolute toughest things that we have to do as human beings. Whether it's forgiving others for their ungodly actions or even ourselves. As someone who has been wronged, taken advantage of, and bullied thoughout his life, I can tell you that forgiveness is indeed a difficult thing to accomplish. However, and obviously I'm not saying that this should be an overnight obstacle to accomplish, recently I decided to find it deep in my heart and soul to publicly forgive everyone who has ever wronged me in one way or the other. It took ALOT out of me, but I can't tell you how good it felt afterwards. This is what God wants in all of us but he understands the obstacle that it is for us to accomplish this. Give it time (and I see that you've already considered this deep down which is great).
I don't know if time will allow us to continue this conversation in the future, but may I say that if any updates come of this, that you do not hesistate to reach out to me again. It's fine if you don't but please keep in mind that you have someone in the world praying for you even in your most troubling times.
@SaleemF
Thank you so much. I know exactly what you mean and how hard it is to forgive. I forgave one person who was involved in one of the situations, but that person was a little bit easier to forgive so to speak.
I have always been a pretty happy person, even after everything I went through by the hands of other people. I learned that it is ok to kick toxic people out of my life, friends or family. Keeping them in only does more harm than good. In these last few years though, I have been through a lot more than a lot of people could simply just not handle. This is part of what has been making me sad. I am such a loving and caring person with a heart of gold, yet people go out of their way to screw me over, hurt me, do things behind my back, etc. I will never understand why. I have done nothing to these people and they screw me over in return. I know it says something about them, and not my character, but it still doesn't seem right in any way. These particular events that happened are a lot harder to get past. I just want to stop getting in those feelings where all these details hit me and make me cry.
Sometimes I even wonder if I somehow deserve it all. But how and why I feel like that, I will never know.
@BrokenHearted2018
To some small extent (or maybe bigger than I think), I can relate. I've spent my life giving people my full attention and thoughtfulness only to get the opposite in return too many times to count which has always put me in that special "I guess I'm on my own in this world" zone even up to now. What I started to consider recently is that maybe, just maybe (and this is where my newfound direction in Christianity comes in), this was all by design so that I would seek God more than anything in my life since I've never felt the same care that I put to others refelcting back on me.
That perhaps I might've just settled and got comfortable with the people that I was around (they weren't bad people but still) who were maybe not the best people to balance off of with my loving and caring heart. Maybe I've just never been as courageous or maybe thorough in seeking out people that I can truly connect with on a deeper level. This including people who give back what I give to them as far as care and understanding. I've made it my life to be a great listener to others, but what I wasn't counting on was the inevitable backlash on myself when I realize...I haven't really had people to listen to me as much as I did with them. Simply because they were too busy doing something else or, due to not being able to relate in any way, would change the subject immediately to something else.
Why do we feel hurt when we're not getting back what we're putting great effort towards giving out? There are 1,000s of people out there who are waaay smarter than me that can answer that question, but I'd imagine it involves different possible factors:
1. Is it as simple as the people that I try to give my all to are just not the right people to expect something back in return? This can be both a "not so bad" or "bad" thing. It can be that they're the wrong people because they simply don't give a crap about you or anyone's feelings OR (and this is important), they're just not the type of people due to their background or something else to act as we'd like them to.
2. Is it me? Is it actually me this whole time not realizing that my good intentions and positive thinking are sadly unrealistic for everyone to fall under? Not gonna lie...I have those thoughts and it hurts sometimes.
3. God wants me to experience this so that I can turn to him more than if I did originally feel loved and cared for by so many people over the years giving me a sense of balance in the world. God wants me to truly know him and feel that otherwordly love and care that can come from no one and nothing else that is of this world. If that's the case, then He succeeded, but now how do I take that newfound knowledge and move on in life relationship-wise? Well, this is where He comes into play and that i must be patient and faithful. I think I'll hold onto this one the closest.
....whoops didn't realize how long this post was. Sorry lol
@SaleemF
No worries, lol. I know how you can get lost in the moment while writing a reply. I've done it.
I never understood why or how someone could be so cruel to take advantage of us people with big hearts. Or just throw us to the side like a piece of trash🗑.. But I've seen it and dealt with it many times. Some people just don't know how to be good or how to treat people right. I've been at that point where I have thought "is it me" many times. I HATE that feeling. I realized those people needed to be out of my life for good because I was done with toxic people. I can't handle it anymore. It felt good and took a huge weight off my shoulders. It helped me relax more. Although there are still some people who I am questioning.
I know this probably sounds strange, but I get these feelings about people when I'm around them. I can tell if they have good or bad intentions. I get a strange vibe. A lot of people think it's not true, but it is. With these people that I kicked out of my life, I called out their intentions before it happened and I was 100% correct. People always doubt me though.
I also can't stand it when people are fake. I don't have time in my life to deal with these type of people. That's why it's better to just kick them out of my life before something bad happens. I don't want or need anymore heartache, pain or another broken heart.
@BrokenHearted2018
If you have a natural instinct to weed out people with bad intentions towards you then I God has given you a powerful gift that you should keep very close to the chest. Your past experiences dealing with shady people that you were able to call out in your mind before they fully acted upon their negative intentions shall make you a powerful force of nature in the future.
Always remember this tip (and it's one of those "easier said than done" general tips that I myself have struggles with but I still consider it highly important to keep in mind), "Don't let your emotional or mental state be the full judge and jury of your own actions and thoughts. Guard your heart and mind like a valuable treasure with great security and care especially when making potentially life changing decisions (this including the people that you decide to connect with in your life).
I think it's awesome that you've developed a sense of sniffing out fakes and poisonous people. But always remember that some people can surprise you for better or worst so keep a cautious but open mind for the future. And of course, take your dilemmas to God and pray for the wisdom and clarity needed to push you forward in the right direction. I've recently started to become extra careful in my life about who I decide to let into my world of vulnerabilities. In the past, I didn't realize that I was making myself an open book out of desperation to find people that I can truly relate to. The thing is...that's just not how life works, and I found that out after the fact.
For some people, it takes a long time for the universe to pair them up with the perfect circle of friend(s) or the perfect someone that they can genuinely not just feel but BE safe and secured around while helping each other grow into better people with love and care. Sometimes we (or shall I say me in this case) tend to try to forcibly make these happen in our lives but then reality says "Sorry, your loving fantasy isn't my concern and no one cares but you" which stings at first. But then I learn the value of patience, faith, and a bit of self awareness and everything starts to make sense though it doesn't make it any easier.
We want the right people in our lives, but we don't know who they look like, where they are, will we encounter them, etc.. That's reality and it's frustrating because we need them NOW to counter the toxicity (and loneliness in my case) that we've endured for so long. This is where the "easier said than done" component comes in with patience and faith.
@SaleemF
Thank you. I do see it as a gift. It has helped me many times to determine someone's intentions. I rarely allow new people in my life due to all the bad people I have come across. I seem to be running into a lot of these "bad" people lately and I just can't deal with it. I kicked toxic people out of my life because that is something I don't need. And I certainly do not want any more toxic people in my life.
I know what you mean on the subject of "easier said than done". That has become all too familiar with me. Some things are just so hard to forget.
I am sorry you are feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is one of the worst things in my opinion. Especially when someone is there, but it feels like they are not. I know this is not your case, just using it as an example as one of the times when loneliness really sucks.
This is a desire to get a commitment in my current relationships. It was really defficdif yo admit this desire for myself, and to accept it. Hard to accept that I am really wanting that and otherwise could become a deal breaker, but ive got to ask for it. Heavy emotions of inevitable and fearful, sadness (why?..). Sad because I suppose to 'violate' my bf's opportunities and ask him for efforts, for his inner work to be done to commit to me.
@PennyBlossomGirl
Sounds like you two have to have a long heart to heart conversation (considering how old this post is perhaps you did already?). Hope everything worked out.
emptiness
@tidyJar6514
Just in case you haven't encountered it yet, I've got awesome news for you. Unfortunately, it's not the kind of news that immediately brings happiness at the moment. BUT...I'm here to tell you that it's a fact that the emptiness you feel inside you now (and again, I'm not sure if you still are due to the date of your post) will eventually fade and something else in life will fill it. Now, what that "thing" is I can't say. But, it does exist and will come to you. Have faith. Life has put you on a specific path for a reason.
@SaleemF
thank you