One thing I have never told anyone is....[finish this sentence}

I occasionally find myself following this co worker around because I just feel so great in his company. I don't follow him in a nosy way, I care less about what he does. It is just when I feel overwhelmed or stressed out I may drop by and he knows what to say. Then I just don't want to leave. His presence alone makes me feel relaxed. Without realizing it I end up following him after our conversation. When I realize, no that's not the way back to my cubicle and he seems to wonder where I am going, I usually ask him where does so and so sit? Just to make it look like I am not following him. Wish I could follow him all day long!!!

That I can lie really well. It's not something I'm proud of and something I try not to do. I find being honest just works better.

How hard it has been through 2 marriages that neither of my wives even tried to understand the hell you have to go through.The hurt when you get called weak for taking medication to try to enjoy life as much as I can.No matter how hard I try no matter what I give as soon as I have a rough day anything I've done that's good is now ot good enough, I hope and pray that I never get that way.

Sometimes I feel left out to the friends im closest with.

I have a nervous habit of laughing at very inappropriate times 😅😂😉

I'm not always as happy as I seem.

My secrets...🤫💭

I'm hardly ever happy. I get told I always seem jolly, because I have a big ol' silly grin slapped on my face and always joking around like a clown everywhere I go, but I'm not really happy... I just put on a face to not worry others.

② I'm tired of being everyone's rock. I'm the go to person for that, but I haven't received the same back from people because I'm supposed to be the "happy one" that's "low maintenance" to have. I just get told to "go smoke some greens/go drink some alcohol/coffee, it'll make you back to your happy self again!". The fact that people need me inebriated to be entertaining again sucks...

③ I don't hate my ex/son's father who was my abuser, despite all the shit he's put me through. He verbally, physically, and financially abused me and had a drinking problem. When I called the cops on him I lost everything. My son was taken away from my temporarily and was placed in care if ex's greedy/negligent older sister[he's back with me full custody now]. I got an eviction, because ex stopped helping me with bills towards the end of our relationship. My car was repossessed and I have a myriad of late bills in collections....

He's apologized for everything and offered to pay[I turned him down...] He's trying to get back into my life, and I made it clear I don't want a romantic relationship at ALL. He's doing too many nice things for me right now and says it's not to get back with me, but to help out our son, which helps me in extension.... Because I'm broke right now. He brought food for both our son and myself. When I called him needing help with son, he came right away...I just feel weird, because I know he still has feelings for me, while I don't and I don't want it to seem like I'm using him. He was my best friend for those 3 years, we jumped into a relationship really fast and I got knocked up too... Anyways, I told him not to do extra stuff for me, but he still does and says he still cares about me a lot...which leads me to my next secret...

④ I think I'm in love with my best friend ? ... Who was my older and younger brothers' best friend first. They introduced me to him a couple days after I broke up with my ex to help me get over ex/son's dad. For as long as I've been broken up with ex is as long as I've been seeing this guy[about 8 months]. He likes me a lot too but we're taking things really slow, as we both got out of toxic relationships. Also...I don't know how I feel about him as a boyfriend because of his vices. He says he'll quit doing cocaine and drinking, but he hasn't. I'm terrible at picking out partners.... I'm just going to enjoy whatever casual thing we have going on and move on.. I hate that I feel somewhat attached to him. It sucks.

We're in this weird zone of more than friends but not boyfriend/girlfriend but ALSO NOT friends with benefits... We just...cuddle and it's okay but I just want something a bit more... physical? Maybe I'm a dog with a bone, but physical touch in THAT way is part of my love language... He says he doesn't want to do anything with me, because it could be seen as disrespectful to my brothers[who are his best friends], despite the fact we already have in the beginning of us hooking up. He also wants to take it slow, and said in the past he slept around too much and doesn't want to treat me like that.

I just feel confused about my best friend... He had told me he loves me twice, and wants me in his life no matter what happens between us, but he was intoxicated when he said this. He even said he finds me sexy and wants to get physical with me, but doesn't because he wants to respect my brothers[as I mentioned prior]. I don't know what to think because I've gone through a lot... I don't want to be in love with this guy. I feel like love is like a disease or sickness sometimes. You can't help who you love...but you can control what actions you take and ensure you go down a healthy path instead of a toxic one.

I guess that's it for now, I rambled on a lot. Thanks for reading.

@Laura I am scared. I am afraid. I am just worried about something bad might happen anytime.

The real reason the scar on my left tricep got there…told everyone I feel off a ladder at work but the truth is that it’s self inflicted…shhh