Today, I am feeling moody because....

Frustration built up

@Laura

I feel I have to explain myself to people because they just do not get me. I write on my blog, why won't they read?

My family

Time is Moving slow

When the cognitive symptoms of my illness act up I lose the ability to communicate. Even when I'm in pain and sad and desperate for company or someone to talk to. I physically cannot speak. I can barely get a simple text out. As if chronic illness isn't isolating enough in that it's hard to move. I can't even really connect to anyone online or in my home. I feel so alone.

i

Exhausted again.

I had an important Olympiad exam today.

I couldnt even talk with my parents (before going to sleep yesterday) about my last school grades (which, if anyone has read about me in other forums, are fortunately high but not 100% perfect) because they are always so disappointed (yeah, for a 96/100), and I didnt want to handle that the night before the exam. However, the exam was so difficult I didnt make it to the Regional this time... and then the rant began. How an ungrateful, obnoxious human being I am. How awful my decisions are. How can they never trust me (as if I hadnt made it work in the last five years of exams and competitions and everything I do just so they can have a perfect daughter).

And it breaks me - everyday, instead of "How are you?", it is "How are you doing with your grades?". No, no both questions - the grades are the only interesting thing here (for my mother).

I cant make her see how, when Im gone, the grades arent gonna bring me back.

And about my father... my mother convinces him that Im doing bad in school. He finally admitted he doesnt have any funds for tuition in college anymore (like, if I hadnt get a scholarship by myself). And a voice inside me whispers "be kind with him, he does what hes able to", but the other side cant get over how ridiculous is that an almost 50 years old man with four children (which they force to get A+s all the time) hasnt prepared any university funds. At all. Like, what did you expected me to do with all my A+s? Go to CONA? (local public school, worse choice possible in my city).

It feels good, letting go part of the worry of them seeing my grades now that the exam is over, but Im having mood swings about them seeing whats next...

My anxiety

I feel rejected and tired. One of the only people I thought i could trust completely ignores me and acts like i don't exist or matter to him anymore.