A poem I wrote yesterday about my feelings

I’m stuck, conflicted.

In a never-ending stasis that fills my life with

Contradictions.

You’ve hurt me without knowing, without meaning to,

Without even doing anything wrong.

It will never be your fault

And I know you don’t want it to be like this.

But still, the pain you’ve inflicted

On me has left me confused; brought everything to a halt.

If perchance I say I’ll give you up

Would you even care?

It sometimes feels as if your love isn’t sincere.

But I know it must be. You never lie.

It’s overshadowed of course, drowned by your own pain.

We’re probably never meant to be

No matter how hard I may try

To make it work.

I’ve held onto you for so long

But for you it must only feel like minutes

When compared

To the everlasting hold he still has on you.

We both know he’s strangling you, engulfing you in toxicity.

Yet you can’t let him go, and I can’t let you go.

I try my best to show you kindness

And I know you see it, appreciate it.

But it hurts when he is all you can think of,

And I’m only just left by the wayside,

Like an afterthought; just second best.

Though these are only my feelings, and not yours.

I know you can’t help it, and wished you never met me

Because of how much you think you’re hurting me.

You don’t want to drag me down with you,

Complicate the simplicity,

Muddle the naivety, the innocence

That used to be my life.

You warned me about this, and I wanted to listen.

I said I would not become dependent

On you, and I don’t think I will.

But my heart beats only for you;

My love for you is transcendent

And I’m unable to kill it.

I don’t want to murder

Something so beautiful and pure.

So I choose to wait for the day you’ll be cured

Of your afflictions.

But then, if I say I’ll give you up,

Would you spiral into a

Darker place than you were in before?

Would I?

It’s unbearable to think of an answer

To both of those questions.

I don’t want to leave you alone.

I choose to be with you. It’s always you

That I put above all else.

You bring me comfort

But yet

I know I can’t be with you.

And it’s not that I feel obligated

Or can’t focus on anything else.

I love you, but I won’t let my guard down.

Can’t.

At least, not yet.

Will this day

Ever come? I’m terrified

Of losing you either way.

This feeling now is infinitely better

Than having you gone for good.

I don’t want to give you up.