Any tips on how to move forward?
My husband uses an electronic journal to set goals each morning, and do an overview each night.
I've occasionally opened it up to leave him a fun or sweet message as a loving gesture, but not often.
About a week ago, I went to leave him a message, but on the opening page I saw some very hurtful things he'd with about me as a way to "give it to God and let it go" to clear his mind before bed. I was absolutely shocked.
I was shocked because the words he used are not words I've ever heard him used to describe anyone, let alone me. I truly couldn't believe what I was reading, so I went back through the previous pages and saw more entries and other terrible things written about me. All I could think is that this isn't my husband, he doesn't use these words.
I sat on it for a few days, And eventually ended up telling him what I'd read and giving him the chance to explain. He felt terrible that I had read those things, and tried to explain that journal was to help him clear his mind at night and sleep better. He said some of the terms he used were just shorthand/ code and that he was getting out intrusive thoughts so they would go away. I knew that this is what he used this journal for, And I can maybe understand the intrusive thought thing and or shorthand... But I still can't get rid of the dirty feeling I'm left with. These aren't words that he's ever used to describe even the most despicable being. He said that these were his private thoughts and that he never expected anyone to see them (even though he admitted to knowing that I leave him notes in it sometimes), But in my brain that means that they were probably the most true because he wasn't guarded.
And now every single negative thought I've ever had about myself has been reinforced and I don't know how to move past it. I don't know how to believe him that these aren't his true feelings about me. When I'm around him, I just want to feel good again and things feel like maybe they'll get back to normal sometime soon.
But when he's not around, it's all I can think about... And I'm drowning in the fact That nearly every single negative thought I've ever had about myself has been reinforced by his own words. He's a good man, a good dad, and a fantastic partner in a lot of ways. He's never once said something to purposefully hurt me, even during an argument. I feel like I know who he is at the same time as feeling like maybe I don't know him at all.
@GlowingCrowbarThat sounds really hurtful, and I understand why you're having trouble letting it go.
If your really do have a healthy relationship though, I think it's worthwhile to work on letting this go!
That might be your starting point. From what you say here it's healthy. Are there any signs he's controlling or manipulative?
What can you do to build up your self-esteem? Don't be afraid to ask a good friend to help build you up to begin, but ultimately your value and esteem needs to come from within.
If the relationship is healthy- he has chosen to be with you. We all have irrational, nonsensical thoughts at times, and our thoughts don't always align with our beliefs. What do you need from your partner to feel valued by him?
For something like this, I think couple's therapy may be worth pursuing.
@AffyAvo Thank you for the reply. I'd really like to be able to work through this, but I've never had something sit so deep inside my heart before, burning.
To answer your question, I will say that our relationship is healthy. I will also carefully reply that he would definitely be considered controlled, though I would not say controlling is fair. To give an example, he does do the grocery shopping because I tend to buy extra things or spend more money when I go. He will also do all of his own laundry separately because he does not like things going missing or being put with someone else's stuff. He has a hard time being around noise and is easily overstimulated. He is extremely talented, driven, and very well respected within his industry. He's structured within his days, very disciplined, and very responsible. I believe a lot of this is in response to living life with someone like me, who is definitely his opposite in a lot of ways (I have ADHD). It's his way of mollifying his needs while being able to live alongside me and the kids (... You know that saying that kids are basically just noise with dirt attached). I navigate each day thinking of ways to mitigate the impact we have on him because I do love and respect him and truly want him to feel loved and find peace at home, while not stifling everything I enjoy.
I always struggled with feeling like an obligation. I know he loves me. I just want to bring him joy versus feeling like I'm barely making it through with just not frustrating him constantly. And I want to be able to do that without having to completely change who I am, which doesn't seem possible.
I still can't wrap my heart around the choice of words he used, and reading about a few things that he maybe didn't hide from me but definitely didn't tell me about also.
@GlowingCrowbar
It is hard to not let something like that bother you. Instead, maybe this is a chance to learn better communication. We all have flaws and our partners know that many may not speak up but I found being able to speak it was not an attack but a way for us to view or change our things differently.
As a couple sometimes we fall back on thinking we know everything about them when in fact people continue to grow and change throughout life. We can be a part of that, or we can find out later when we see we are not who we think each other is. if it is a specific thing is this something you can discuss with him?
My partner and I had an issue that became a problem simply because we did not talk about it. Because we assumed what the other thought about items based on past not whom they are now.
@GlowingCrowbar
Hey there! Thanks so much for the courage it took to open up about something like this, I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. Having negative thoughts reinforced by someone you love and trust can be so so hurtful. <3
I understand things are very very difficult to move through now, but you aren't alone. You have a community here that is here for you, to help you navigate through difficult times and to help rebuild that confidence you deserve to have about yourself.
Know that your worth is more than that is defined by others. It is so valid how you feel, but sending you all the love and support to help you through this.
<3