SAHM Advice
I’m a stay at home mom. I run our small family farm and manage our short term rental. I also clean 2 of our neighbors short term rentals. My spouse has one job M-F and every few months or so does some side work. He frequently tells me my work is not as important as his and rubs the fact that he makes more money in my face. It hurts my feelings and I feel I do a lot to contribute to the household. The house is clean I make the meals , run all the errands. I asked for help when our child wakes in the middle of the night and he says I need to help with that. I pushed back and said that the over night work would be a good time for him to contribute to our child’s needs at night. He thinks that is a ridiculous request and I still need to help at that time. Does anyone have advice on how they split work? Looking for other advice from stay at home moms. Where do you find balance or get a break?
@Blondeandhound25
I think many partners have issues playing their job vs the other partners job.
I think you are totally correct that your husband can and probably should help with your child at night. It is more then just work but helping is a family thing ..........him showing you respect and bonding with the child when they are upset.
Value of the work IMO should not be measured just by money coming in. Your work of having clean house and dinner on table will be remembered and appreciated far longer. The rentals and farm on top of housework sounds like a lot.
Thank you for the advice. Sometimes I forget how it looks from our child’s perspective what will she see as she grows up. I want to set good examples for her.
@Blondeandhound25 I’m really sorry you’re going through this. The way your spouse treats you is unacceptable. You are doing more than a full-time job—running a farm, managing rentals, cleaning for neighbors, maintaining the home, cooking, running errands, and caring for your child. The fact that he dismisses your work and uses money to belittle you is not okay.
On top of that, the way he considers taking care of his own child as “helping you,” as if parenting isn’t equally his responsibility, is infuriating. It’s not helping—it’s parenting. You should not have to beg for him to step up at night when you’re already carrying so much.
I wish I had practical advice, but honestly, I think he’s being selfish and unfair. You deserve a partner who values your contributions and respects you, not someone who minimizes your work and refuses to pull his weight. I hope you’re able to find some support and advocate for yourself, because you shouldn’t have to do this alone. Sending you support ❤️
@Blondeandhound25
Sometimes finding balance can be hard because the mom guilt starts to rise, but remember you deserve to love yourself. You are doing enough each and everyday. I am so proud of you for reaching out, thank you for sharing this with us.
Some ways to find balance is to approach it with gentleness, and provide compassion to yourself. Finding new hobbies are good too
@Blondeandhound25 Ouch, this sounds like a harsh situation, and like it's getting too hard to maintain. Since we can't really make another person change, I wonder if putting your needs in terms of what HE can expect from YOU might help, instead of asking/begging him, since he might not lift a finger to help you out.
For example, "I'm working this many hours per day/night at home and at work, and I've told you I'm not holding up very well. So, since I make less money than you, I'm going to decrease my hours or quit, unless you can help out for 1-2 hours/night. If you can find me a better-paying part-time job within 30 days, I'm open to that too. Your choice, but this hasn't felt like a partnership so that's the position I'm in."
This way, you don't really need anything from him. If he has a better idea, he can always just say it, but blowing up at you isn't an answer, it's just a reaction, which is fine because you have your game plan, and he knows it, whether he likes it or not.
I remember reading a similar story where one day the husband came home and his kids ran up to him begging to be fed, the dog was clawing to be let out, the dishes had piled up, the laundry was left undone, and when he found his wife, she was lying in bed reading a book.
"What on earth happened? Why has nothing been done?!" he cried.
"Well," she said, glancing up over her paperback, "I just did what you think I do all day. Nothing."
