Why do I keep going back to my toxic relationship?
284 Answers
Moderated by Smita Joshi, BA Psychology / MA / Advanced EFT Practitioner
Updated: Jun 11, 2022
Anonymous
on
Mar 16, 2015
...read more
I keep going back to my toxic relationship because its comfortable. I know him, I understand him, and he understands me. He tells me its different this time. That he's changed and he'll try harder and it'll be so much better this time around, and because I trust him, I come back, expecting a change. The change never happens though, as the old routine comes back slowly but surely, and soon you're back where you started. So you end it again but he comes right back with the words you hear every time but also believe every time, and you take him back, knowing deep down that it'll come back to you being hurt, but not caring because in those moments he gives you the attention and love you deserve. And thats enough for the time being.
Breakups can be hard
Takes less than a minute. Keeps 7 Cups free for someone else.
A small contribution goes straight to keeping the community running.
Anonymous
on
Sep 24, 2016
...read more
Because you are a caring, considerate person, who likes to see the best in everything. You don't like to give up, especially on something you love so dearly. That's okay, because that shows resilience and loyalty, You don't run away when times get tough. The problem is that you're not showing this care and consideration to yourself, and if it's toxic, the other person isn't showing it to you, and possibly towards themselves too. They take your good nature for granted. They feel that you will always be there for them no matter what...until one day, you aren't. It isn't because you don't want to be, because once you love someone, that's it, you can't undo it. Its because you've reached your limit, you've given all that you could and now you're empty, and have little to give. Your tolerance levels waver, and soon it all becomes your fault because you allowed it before, and now you're not allowing it. It confuses them. You're not who they thought you were. They overlook that you have withstood a lot of pain, torture and confusion, all in the name of love for them. They don't quite see what you've gone through to let them live how they're like. In their heads, you chose to do that, so they believe they are not at fault. In your head, that's just how you love. Toxic relationships inhabit a lot of confusion, pain and suffering - more than you should deal with. If it doesn't feel right, cut yourself off. You decide your worth and how you're treated, not someone else. You deserve someone who sees the good traits of you, not someone who sees them as easily manipulated and disposable. You deserve someone who gives you just the right amount of love and care back.
gt17
on
Oct 2, 2016
...read more
You may keep going back to your toxic relationship because toxic relationships oftentimes are the ones that feel the most passionate, and you feel like you can't find that passion with someone else.
Anonymous
on
Apr 12, 2017
...read more
The lack of answer to that question baffles me completely. I am simply unable to keep my resolve of keeping away and at the same time have no valid reason to go back to the person who has made me an emotional wreck. I am confused at my feelings that oscillates between light headed passionate love to deep hard hatred. I feel he makes my world and then can see him tearing it to bits. Every morning I speak to myself. Show myself how he is harming me. I have stopped growing as a person because I am so busy hating him.but one kind word can dissolve all my resolve and I go back to him to be kicked again. He cheats and lies. He lies to himself too. And believes those lies. I can see all that but am unable to cut myself away. I am helpless.
AmberLeigh33
on
Jan 6, 2017
...read more
I don't want to sound harsh in saying this, but you're not confident enough in what you have to offer to realize that you deserve better and move forward, leaving this person and relationship in the past, to risk being alone for a while until you find someone worthy of you.
Make a list of the things you offer someone in a relationship. Then make a list of the things you want/need in a relationship. Then list the things this person offers you in a relationship. The things that this person and relationship offer you... do they match the things that you can offer and that you need in a relationship? If not, you need to take some serious time to decide if you are worthy of those things that you want to offer to someone else, and if you deserve those things that you want/need in a relationship. Sometimes, the most amazing thing you can do for yourself is to choose yourself. Yeah, you will feel sad and lonely if you leave this person and this relationship, because it's familiar and, despite your frustrations with it, you have a level of investment in this person and relationship that you don't want to have "wasted". One of the most amazing feelings in the world is to be able to decide that you are the only person who has control over your happiness... not your partner, not your relationship, not your family... just you. If you're in a place that you aren't happy in, then it is YOUR responsibility to advocate for yourself and choose a path that will solely benefit you and your happiness... even if that path seems a little more treacherous at the beginning.
sarper
on
Aug 3, 2015
...read more
When we are in a toxic relationship, it eventually becomes comfortable/normal just like any other thing in life that we experience often. This is why breaking away (for good) is very difficult. We go back because at the end of the day, it's the thing we know best. When we give ourselves enough time to decompress from a toxic relationship, only then do we start to understand just how harmful it was. Giving yourself time takes an immense amount of strength though, and it helps to have a good support system around you. Toxic relationships can be overcome!
Paradox42
on
Jul 12, 2016
...read more
Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, all toxic, yet all addicting. A toxic relationship is as hard to quit as any of the above. Give it time, it won't be easy, but in the end, it's better, healthier, safer. You haven't lost until you've won. Don't give up.
Anonymous
on
Nov 11, 2016
...read more
I think there are multiple reasons. For me, it was already a long relationship which I kept feeling still deserves a fair chance, because I did not want all those years to have gone to waste, because it was familiar and there was no one else that close to me. Because I did not think I would ever end up with anyone else. Because I thought everyone has to compromise in relationships, this is where I can compromise. For a long time I thought that I can accept the toxicity of this relationship in my life because I need the good parts it seems to promise.
Anonymous
on
Oct 6, 2016
...read more
I used to keep going back to my toxic relationship(s) because I didn't like feeling alone, and I think I secretly, and shamefully, liked the drama. It gave me something to feel like I had a purpose to fight for, or against. Sometimes, it was because I genuinely thought that this person was worth fighting through all that for. At times there was also something appealing about a toxic but exciting relationship, while now I just see it as a lesson and experience to grow upon.
Anonymous
on
Feb 15, 2016
...read more
You might be co-dependent, a ''people pleaser'', and have learned this pattern early on in life. Remember to meet your own needs first and that you're just as important as everyone else. I know it feels exciting but it's not a healthy way of living. This person is pulling on your strings/emotional wounds, making you react and act in a way that you're used to - a typical pattern that you learned in your childhood. Try to understand what it is you're avoiding and why you find this person interesting.
MrsTunechi
on
Mar 10, 2017
...read more
Its because your associating that person with pleasure. everything that we associate with pleasure were gonna keep running back to, what u need to do is, when you find yourself wanting to go back, is STOP that train of thought, and then remind your self the pain that was caused by them. how they hurt you. because when we associtate something with pain were gonna run from it. now were human like i said its just gonna be something that we want to do, go back over and over, but everytime it will get easier, stop that train of though where you associate your ex with pleausre and remind yourself of the pain and hurt that was caused by them.
and remember you deserve someone who respects you enough to never lie to your heart.
DipityEnigma
on
Jun 5, 2015
...read more
You remember the good times, the moments that you love the most. You need to remember the negative things. Always remember "ex's are ex's for a reason". Never forget that.
Anonymous
on
Nov 3, 2015
...read more
because sometimes we want to feel accepted and loved. Sometimes that's all we know about, even if its toxic for us. The need of feeling loved makes people go back, even if it's not in their best interest.
Honeypuffs99
on
Oct 2, 2016
...read more
This might be because even though you know the relationship is toxic, you are still on some level emotionally connected to your partner. You may also think having someone is better than having noone, or that you will never find someone to love you again. Another possibility is that as soon as you break up, you start glorifying your ex/or your relationship, and only remember the good times you had. You may forget about all the negative aspects of the relationship, and think "well it wasnt that bad".
MendingByMuisc2
on
May 1, 2015
...read more
The reason we always tend to go back ,is because we are comfortable and familiar with that person, despite their faults. Human beings look for the comfortable and familiar, we seek out. We like to keep things, "Homeostasis"
TrustButVerify
on
Jul 26, 2017
...read more
There are many reasons that may be pulling you back - from financial support, to maintaining the image of a family for the kids, or perhaps the fear of being along/starting over. Whatever the reason, it is not your fault and you should not feel any weaker or less deserving because you can't seem to break away from something you know is not healthy for you. These are difficult acts that require mental and physical preparation, particularly if you are living together. Over time, couples create a "we" identity - this "we" entity encompasses the quirky traditions, habits, nicknames, inside jokes, and other similar things that are unique to that relationship. The longer a relationship's history, the more defined that "we" entity is, and the thought of losing that and starting from square one is daunting. We tend to justify staying in the relationship on the grounds that it is easier to live with or try to fix the toxic elements than start over with someone new. Or, even worse, we begin to lose our own self-esteem (even in emotionally abuse relationships with no domestic violence) and think that no one else will love us so it is better to settle/deal with the current status. Sometimes we rationalize to ourselves that no relationships are perfect. Whatever the reason, you are allowed to feel afraid or angry for staying, but you mustn't blame yourself. It is not your fault and when you are ready, there are many others who have taken that leap of faith, never looked back, and went on to live the lives they choose not settled for - and you can and will too.
TheTripleS719
on
Sep 17, 2016
...read more
Just because the relationship is toxic doesn't mean the feelings you have for that person aren't genuine. It's going to be a tough fight within yourself to be able to stop going back.
Cyprinn
on
Sep 6, 2016
...read more
We're creatures of habit. We go back to these people because it’s so easy. They know everything about you and you don’t have to explain some things because they already know.
LoveAll425
on
Sep 11, 2016
...read more
When we are in a toxic relationship, it eventually becomes comfortable/normal just like any other thing in life that we experience often. This is why breaking away (for good) is very difficult. We go back because at the end of the day, it's the thing we know best. When we give ourselves enough time to decompress from a toxic relationship, only then do we start to understand just how harmful it was. Giving yourself time takes an immense amount of strength though, and it helps to have a good support system around you. Toxic relationships can be overcome!
Chinmay96
on
Sep 15, 2016
...read more
No matter how toxic it was it was once full of love and we gave our everything to it, we are always so optimistic thinking that things would change and love would be like before that we still keep finding love in your toxic relationship!
