Should you lie?

@Clio9876

Many thought provoking questions in your post.

I agree that media / TV / movies make marriage seem like something it is not. Telling the complete truth and lying are very far apart sometimes things should be in middle.

Some items are hurtful but need to be taken in the spirit said......... for example if a person says " that shirt is not a good look on you" .... can be taken as an insult or constructive criticism that can be helpful if going out in said item has others talking behind your back.

Yes, honesty is over-rated

Firstly, you need a little mystery.

Secondly, I don't think it serves any purpose to speak out about some of the examples in your post

Really, it's about you yourself and not the other person. If you find yourself irritated by small things then instead of externalising it rather look inside and discover the truth as to why you feel that way. There is a real danger of blaming another person rather than owning your own struggles, frustrations or weaknesses

and of course, there is a time for honesty and confronting things too

but to take the path of being open and honest about everything that crosses your mind is akin to dependency and generally causes dissatisfaction

@Clio9876 it makes me so uncomfortable tat a close friend of mine uses marijuana its weird because I can tell when she's upset with me and I love her friendship but I actually cannot stand when she belittles a past friend of hers. I can tell she's mean about her because she is jealous of her and even though she says mean words sometimes I feel if I miss our friend maybe she does as wel

I would rather be hurt by the truth then destroyed by betrayal..

atleast honesty doesn’t leave your mind too boggled

Social media definitely allows people and couples to paint picture-perfect and curated images of their lives that are false and give misrepresentations of what their lives are really like which causes a lot of people yo wonder why their lives aren’t like that or why their relationship doesn’t look like that-but it’s a false and unattainable standard.

For me personally I am a fan of honesty but I’ve also learned that honesty does hurt people a lot and there are times when you don’t NEED to tell your partner everything. For example, the ugly face while brushing teeth is not something you NEED to tell your partner imo. While getting stranded because they didn’t fill up the car is, again imo. One is a fleeting thing that doesn’t directly negatively affect the other person while getting stranded definitely does and is a lot more serious.

Knowing which battles to choose is important. And being open to accepting that you’re not perfect and that your partner might not love every single thing about you is also important. Being able to love yourself and accept your imperfections is important 1) for yourself and being confident and emotionally regulated and 2) being in an adult relationship where you will need to have difficult discussions that likely will hurt without letting that hurt cause you to retaliate.

I think the focus shouldn’t be on hearing stuff without getting hurt, because to me that seems unrealistic, but rather being able to hear things that hurt and sit with that discomfort and understand your partner’s POV without lashing out or getting defensive because they hurt you.

No one is perfect and even if you love someone with your entire being you’ll likely have days, moments, even weeks where they just irritate, annoy or disgust you. And sometimes it’ll be better to keep that to yourself but sometimes it’ll be important to voice your feelings (or vice versa). Being emotionally and mentally stable enough to hear someone tell you something that hurts without lashing out but rather taking their thoughts and feelings into consideration, hearing them, and if necessary finding a solution, is more important. We shy away from being hurt so much (usually due to trauma) but it’s part of the human experience and all of our emotions are important because they are relaying important information. It’s important not to avoid getting hurt or getting angry or getting sad but rather learning to accept your feelings, understand the messages they’re telling you and sit with the discomfort of feeling negatively without letting the emotions take over and control you.

I think it's a matter of communicating your frustrations in a way that is assertive but not aggressive by using I statements and also leading with vulnerability and expressing a need that has not been met, like for the example of not filling up the car instead of "I hated it", I would say something like "I've really been overwhelmed lately and really need your support in doing your share of household tasks; I felt frustrated and burnt out when you didn't fill up the tank."

I don't think that telling your partner you aren't attracted to them is the best idea because it is a hurtful thing to say. Plus, what do you hope to accomplish there? If you are really losing attraction to them, maybe you should be considering breaking up with them... or is it a matter of wanting them to maybe exercise more or dress up for date night or something because a sense of romance is lost? In that case maybe you could say something gently like "I know we've both been wearing sweatpants a lot lol but I would like to have a fancy date night where we dress up because I miss some of the romance we had before".

https://www.mentallyfitpro.com/c/free-therapy-worksheets/i-statements-worksheet

@Clio9876 My first wife was a toxic narcissist. My wife is one of the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate people I've ever met in my life.

When something starts to annoy me, there's a voice in the back of my head that says "*** you know what bad is, and this ain't it". I reel myself in quickly.

@Clio9876 I think whatever we say to a partner should be the best we can be because everything we say either makes the relationship and trust stronger or weakens it and creates mistrust.

The kind of feelings you describe are best related to a therapist who can help someone see that things are not black and white. So many times the reason anger arises in me is because my expectation is not met. 

I'm a firm believer and it's how you say it facial expressions and body language play a large role in communicating. If a behavior has hurt my husband and I never know then I can never change the behavior. If I do not change the behavior pain and resentment will only continue to get stronger until happiness of love for each other will become overpowered by resentment.. I personally want to know what I'm doing wrong or what I may have done so the behavior can be changed and apology given and the amends be made . The feelings need to be expressed and for me helps with closure understanding and for forgiveness to be started. I don't believe in some instances that every detail needs to be told because sometimes that may add more pain and devastation in a relationship. For example a spouse cheating on the other I personally don't want juicy details or any details that will further damage self-esteem etc. A lie is a lie small or big it's never really good for either person involved. As hard as it may be honesty with respect is best

@Clio9876

Hi there! My name is Moon and I am a Listener here. I can say as someone who is coming up on 1 year of marriage with my partner and in an LGBTQAIP2S+ marriage, absolutely there has been some real difficulties during our first year.

We have hid a few things from each other that we later realized was due to shame, we have had our fights, cried, tried to run. There has been times I have had to walk around the block and just be alone. Marriage and relationships are not easy.

A few things I learned in my first year of marriage are:

1) Trying to never go to bed angry is VERY important, I know that is the most overused piece of "advice" well-meaning people give people but the reality is, the less you go to bed angry at each other the less resentment that builds up over time in MY experience. My partner and I have had times when we haven't talked about things or have held back or went to bed angry and it caused us to wake up the next morning just as angry or even depressed. Trying to not go to bed angry doesn't mean we've always succeeded but it has made it a priority for us in our relationship and a tool we used our first year to help minimize resentment.

2) Honesty and open communication is extremely hard, especially if one or both partners have been abused or has gone through traumatic experiences. My wife and I have both been through our own separate traumatic experiences that has given us both C-PTSD, extreme anxiety, and OCD. I also have Tourette's and a few other things that can cause personal relationships to be hard on me.

She has really awful trust issues as well, so it has been extremely hard to try to learn how to communicate positively without throwing blame around. I admittedly am really bad about having to stop myself when I realize I am blaming my wife and explain myself in "I feel" statements although I really do not always realize when I do blame people for my own issues. I do have to catch myself and make this a priority or I get really bad about this as I grew up in a volatile home so I have always felt I was in a fist-fight with everyone in my entire life. 

My issue is I started viewing people as enemies and everyone as someone who would hurt me or leave me so I would hurt them or leave them before they could hurt me.. so if that explains a bit of my mental process, yes I can be quite hard to deal with.

Every day honestly is a struggle, but we try our very hardest to stay honest, open, and use positive communication techniques to explain our feelings and what we are going through. Otherwise, yes fights ensue.

Before we started working on things conscientiously we could go from 0-110 in 0.02 seconds because we are both explosive and passionate people.

3) Although lying is incredibly easy, or hiding things, and sometimes seems like a great thing to do. There is a difference between being honest and being brutal / snarky / rude / demeaning. 

So often we try to find things to pick a person we love apart or ourselves apart, especially when we have low self-esteem and issues with ourselves. We want to believe that everyone else is AT LEAST as screwed up as us, or even more but the reality is we do not need to do this because this can really destroy us and our relationships. I too have done this and my family members are really good at doing this. 

We need to learn to love ourselves instead, I believe, from MY experiences because otherwise it is incredibly easy to try to find something wrong with other people as well. 

Honesty should be:
Compassionate
Caring
Kind
Helpful
Constructive

Honesty should never be:
Rude
Hurtful
Hateful
Out of Malice

I hope that helps define my experiences and views on honesty, although my truths are only my truths, I hope that reading this will help others or at least help others understand how I have dealt with my own relationship :)

I probably have a lot more things to touch on with this subject, but I really appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, and openness in bringing up this discussion as it needs to be talked about more often.

Thank you so much!

- Moon