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I'm really suffering.

Depression Support / by Megalodon123

March 28th, 2025

...See more I'm falling apart, everything is falling apart. My girlfriend has broken up with me, she doesn't see any future. At first I really wanted to get married and have children with her, she initially considered a lot of things like marriage, which I found incredible, because I think you need to be in love first to talk about marriage. I also told my friends this, and at the same time agreed to go out with her under false pretenses, promising to go to her city. But things changed – I became more and more sincere with her, but she had already secretly read my chat with my friend, and the seed of doubt was sown in her heart. And it wasn't exactly a lie – I had discussed the feasibility in detail with my friend, and I thought it was acceptable to leave my hometown. I had also made a lot of efforts. But every time we argued or had a disagreement, she became more and more disappointed. But I had already done my best, but she was no longer willing to wait. In the months since returning from studying abroad, I have been trying to find a job in her city myself, but I have been met with constant setbacks. I instinctively turned to my friends and family for help, but even the most accomplished relatives I know in terms of their careers only have influence in the vicinity of my hometown. And when they did help me find a job, I couldn't refuse—because I was the one asking for help, and the job wasn't bad. I eventually tried to find a ‘better’ unit near my hometown on my own to get away from my family's arrangements. I did this first because I couldn't find a better unit than my family's arrangements in a different place at the same time; second, she also said at the New Year's meeting that she had applied for a doctorate near my city, so I also wanted to stay close; third, this would allow me to become financially independent and try to gradually get my family used to my absence. She was very disappointed. Especially when she was accepted into a very good school in her city, and she of course also wanted to be near me, but her family had a fierce argument over this. I said she could go to that school, and she had therefore rejected the opportunity near my hometown. But when she went to talk to the school there to try to get better conditions, the school also rejected her because they thought she had the ‘wrong attitude’—no doubt she also fell into despair. She thought about it for a whole week, and she thought that we were not capable of supporting the future we wanted, and then she proposed to break up. She is not blind to my efforts, and she understands, but no matter what I do, it can't be undone. She thinks it's all too difficult, and she doesn't have a lot of time to wait for my commitment. Moreover, since she saw the chat history between me and my friends, coupled with the disappointment of these past few months, there is no turning back. She knows that our love is real, and she says she will help me get through this, and that we can still be good friends. But I can't accept the reality that she will eventually leave. Even though she says she will always be there, I know she will eventually leave my life. Now I still have to face the pressure of a job I don't like and family members who are always on my case. I'm tired of this life, and the endless overtime and low wages are driving me crazy – but there's nothing I can do to find a better job. I don't know how to change any of this, and I just want to escape, but I have no direction at all. I'm sorry for writing so much, I'm really suffering.

perplexed

Anxiety Support / by Megalodon123

March 13th, 2025

...See more I spent the last few days travelling with my girlfriend. We had a really good time, we discussed some plans for the future and talked about how much we love each other. But the future is still uncertain. I accepted the job I didn't really like because it seemed like the best option. I went to the city where my university is, which means I'm separated from my family and friends, and I continue to face separation from her. I feel terrible. It seems like I often have to work overtime here, and things didn't go well on my first day here. Renting a place is also giving me a headache. My income is meagre, but I can't seem to find a better job. I'm devastated. I know that no one else can offer me much advice either, and I'm at a loss about my future. I don't know what I want to do, what kind of work I want to do, or where I want to stay. But reality seems to be pushing me to make decisions. I really hope that someone can tell me that if I go into a certain job, I will definitely succeed in the future. However, no one can tell me that I can only remain dissatisfied with the status quo and not take the first step, because I'm afraid of failure. Our plan is that I will start working and she will fight for a PhD opportunity near my city. However, she has not yet received a formal offer for her PhD, and I am also dissatisfied with the current situation. She has always preferred to end our long-distance relationship in the capital city, where she grew up, but I know that it will be difficult. The cost of living is high, and it is almost impossible for me to buy a house in the capital city on my own. She says she can live in her house, but I don't want that. I still hope to find other possibilities in other cities, but I don't know. I don't like my city, and I don't want to stay in my hometown. I feel lonely and powerless. I'm afraid that she will abandon me one day because of my powerlessness. I desperately want to find a direction, but I can't.

I feel desperate.

Grief & Loss / by Megalodon123

March 5th, 2025

...See more It seems things are moving in an even worse direction. Yesterday my girlfriend messaged me to say that she no longer wants to apply for a doctorate, but rather wants to find a stable job in her hometown, where she has a chance. She wants to grow up, she claims, because she doesn't want to keep spending her parents' money. I doubt she has any idea why she is doing this – what exactly is her plan for our future? Clearly, if she accepts the opportunity to do a PhD, we will be much closer together, and that has always been her plan. She says she doesn't want to spend any more money from the family, but her family is not facing any financial problems – she even said she hoped her father would buy her a car for her birthday. I don't really want to go to her city, because the cost of living there is high, and I doubt I would be able to afford to settle there. And according to previous plans, I have already found a decent job near my hometown, and I had originally expected that while she was doing her doctorate, we would be apart but much closer. I don't know what she wants or needs. I can understand that she is under a lot of pressure in many ways and may not be able to make her own mind up clearly, but I feel unable to communicate with her in depth. I feel desperate.

I can't hold on much longer.

Anxiety Support / by Megalodon123

February 12th, 2025

...See more I went to see my girlfriend again. We had been apart for a few months. Both of us were suffering greatly from the uncertainty of work, studies and family expectations. I confessed to her that in order to be near her, I had spent money and deceived HR to find an internship in her city, but she thought it was irrational. She thought I should listen to my family and gain experience in my hometown first. Meanwhile, she is also fighting for a doctoral opportunity near my city, but I'm not sure if she can't get it, she will choose to stay in her own city or choose another opportunity near my city. Her parents are against our relationship. This puts a lot of pressure on her, as her parents are not personally prejudiced against me, but see the geographical problem as an insurmountable obstacle, especially as we are both only children. My city is far less developed than hers, and we are 2,000 kilometres apart. Her mother has bluntly told her to break up with me. My girlfriend says she doesn't want to listen to them yet. No one understands me except my girlfriend. But I don't want to transmit some strong emotions to her. My parents also certainly want me to stay in my city, which puts even more pressure on me. I'm with her because I want to protect her, I want to be her protector, I want her to be happy with me, and yet I keep putting her through so much stress and pain, and I feel so useless.

I'm going to crack up.

Depression Support / by Megalodon123

January 19th, 2025

...See more I was devastated. I kept thinking about going to her city to get close to her, that was my promise. However, reality was crushing: first, I couldn't find a job in her city, it was very difficult, I sent out a very large number of resumes, but there was almost no response; second, she also expressed her and her parents' strong desire for her to stay in her city; third, at present, my aunt has helped me find a job in my field, and it seems to be a decent job, and my aunt has also gone to a lot of trouble to help me with these relationships. Her mother doesn't think highly of us and doesn't want the two of us to get together, especially as she thinks it was a big sacrifice on my part to abandon my parents and come to her. With finding a job so difficult, I find it hard to believe that I can eventually settle in her city. I don't like my current job – especially not the location, which doesn't bring me any closer to her. She will also doubt whether my commitment is still there. I'm suffering, I'm suffering. And I can't help but wonder, is this job really right for me? Even though it's related to my major, I heard that I need to take a pay cut before I even start? The current internship has not yet gone through the formal personnel process, so I don't have a salary yet. My aunt's friend said that I need to wait six months. At that time, the unit will have a formal exam. If I pass the exam, they will let me in; if I don't pass the exam, they will make other arrangements. This is obviously not the result I want – I either want to join the company as soon as possible, or get closer to her as soon as possible, but so far it seems that this is a luxury. I was desperate. I was afraid that the end of our relationship was only a matter of time, and I didn't know what I really wanted professionally.

I'm still working on it.

Anxiety Support / by Megalodon123

January 15th, 2025

...See more Well, my last post still hasn't been read by anyone, so I just want to share my latest situation. I really don't want to enter the civil service system of our country, which means a minimum of five years of service. During this period, I cannot leave my position for any reason, unless I am called to another position in the civil service system through selection or recommendation, but that would also take at least two years. So I decided to settle down at the planning institute, work for half a year and then talk about my future – but now it seems that this path is also hopeless: I didn't settle down as a regular intern at all, without a contract, without salary, without access to the company computer (they were afraid of data outflow), and the person in charge who brought me in had already planned to jump to another company. But my aunt and uncle were supposed to arrange for me to transition here and then let me join the civil service system, so I can't fully tell them about my current predicament. So, after months of being busy, I still hadn't found a job. So I frantically sent out my resume, praying to find a decent job in her city – even if it might not be well paid at the moment, even if the development prospects might not be very good at the moment. But it was so difficult, there were too many talented people in the capital, and most of my competitors had better schools than me. Not only that, but large companies often have high professional requirements for positions, and my major was not the best choice for them. And where can my major go – the planning institute, and this industry is already in decline. She still emphasises the importance of the hukou, and I understand that that is her family's expectation, but with the review becoming more and more difficult, I basically think that we are unlikely to solve it in the short term. She is also very anxious, as so many schools still have little hope of admitting her as a PhD student. I really want to gain her parents' approval. But so far, her parents don't really approve of me – if it were me, I wouldn't approve of my daughter marrying someone like me who has been unable to find a job. So I'm still very anxious. As for location, she can accept me moving elsewhere for a short period of time and then finding a way to come to her city; as for career, I'm considering changing careers but there seems to be no way out; I don't know why I've applied to so many jobs and still haven't had any positive responses, and even the interview notifications are few and far between. My resume was still revised by some job search agencies. Something must have gone wrong. But I don't know. I want to see her soon, during the holidays. But her parents want to use the holidays to go back to their hometown to see her grandmother – she is not well, and more importantly, her parents will never agree to let her go on a trip with me alone, and I am very sad.

exhausted and desperate for help

Anxiety Support / by Megalodon123

December 29th, 2024

...See more I would like to report on recent developments, and perhaps still seek help from others. At the suggestion of my aunt and uncle, I went to visit my girlfriend in the capital last weekend. Her family was very welcoming, her parents gave me a ride, took me to dinner, gave me gifts for my family, and invited me to visit their home. But I don't think this is an endorsement, it is just a polite way for her family to say that they welcome me as a friend visiting her. Her mother told her that she didn't think the two of us would work out. She also said that it was important for one of us to have a household registration in the capital, because when she was young, she suffered a lot in terms of education, work and other things because of her household registration. It's hard for me to reconcile this, because it's not an easy thing to do, and it means that I need to be very good and have long-term prospects there, while the temporary opposition of my family, the difficulties of finding work and the cost of living are all things that I need to consider. The internship at the planning institute seems to be turning into a full-time job, and my aunt wants me to have dinner with someone from the institute this week. However, I don't plan to work there long-term, at least not yet. Although my family thinks the job is stable and well-paid, I'm not sure if it's the right choice for me. I've heard that the institute's pay is falling because the industry is shrinking, and it's very tiring. I see my colleagues working overtime all the time. I thought meeting would allow us to bond more deeply, and it did. But after her mother's pressure and a brief separation, she became anxious, which I did not want. Her application is still encountering a lot of obstacles, and she doesn't have that many friends to turn to for advice. I worry about her. I feel unmotivated about life. I have reflected on this and realised that I don't seem to have any goals of my own. I'm just being pushed along by my relationship problems and my family's expectations. I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have anyone else's expectations. I don't know what I can do, I don't know what I'm suited to do, and I don't want to turn my hobbies into a job. I feel numb. Sometimes I feel so desperate that I don't know how to go on with my life. It's as if I'm caught in a spider's web, pulled in all directions by all kinds of realities, and it seems like no matter what I do, it's useless. But then there are times when I feel like I can solve these problems one step at a time, and I feel hopeful again. This cycle forms the fabric of my life. I feel exhausted.

I'm a fragile person, I don't know what to do.

Newbie Hub / by Megalodon123

December 20th, 2024

...See more When I was with my girlfriend, I knew that I might face the problem of a long-distance relationship. We hadn't not considered this, and at the time I thought that I could move to her city and she could move to mine. However, we had underestimated the difficulty of this. I realised how difficult it was when we returned to our country after studying abroad. Her parents had spent a long time working hard to establish themselves in the capital and had a better material foundation than me. She also had the idea of continuing to apply for a doctorate during her studies abroad, so she was always looking for opportunities on both sides, and I also understood that her parents did not want her to leave the capital. At the same time, I was also looking for job opportunities on both sides. However, it was very difficult. I sent out at least 200 resumes, and even got them professionally revised, but I received very few interviews, let alone confirmed job offers. I also had to consider the high cost of living in the capital and my own future development, so I couldn't just try any job. Some jobs might make her parents look down on me. But my major is really on the decline. There are too many people in the same major on social media who have started changing careers, and those who stay don't get paid much either. She has also tried to send in her CV and contact many teachers by email to apply for a doctorate, but all this has made her very tired and exhausted, and the results have been minimal. After being cheated twice in a row by an intermediary, she also feels anxious and self-blame. At the same time, she is also unsure of which school will eventually accept her. I first found an internship at a planning institute. A friend of mine helped me find this internship. The salary is not high, but it allows me to at least do something and gain some experience, even if it is unlikely that I will be hired permanently. The thing that made me suffer happened two weeks ago. My aunt used her connections to help me find someone inside the government (a relative of hers), who arranged for me to first intern at a planning institute near my home, and if I did well, he would arrange for me to intern inside the government. Although the official civil service requires passing an exam, my family members all think this is a good choice. Such opportunities are rare and stable, and it seems like a good way to develop personally. But when my girlfriend learned about this, she was devastated. She thought I probably hadn't even considered going to the capital. The over-stability of a civil servant means that I would have to stay in the local area for at least five years, and the promotion path of a civil servant is not clear. It means that she and I will face a long period of being apart, and this may challenge the future of our relationship. I don't want to do this, I don't want to enter the civil service system, but the enthusiastic expectations of my family and the efforts of my aunt made it almost impossible for me to resist such an arrangement. I hope that the design institute will keep me, so that at least some flexibility is retained and experience can be gained. My family and friends all advise me to focus on my career – but they don't consider my relationship with my girlfriend. So if I just follow their plan, my relationship with her is likely to break up, and I want to have a future with her. I want to stay at the design institute and then develop opportunities such as passing the certification exam at the same time, and find a way to be close to her. I don't want to be bound by my family's ideas. But now, the daily internship at the design institute makes me feel like life has no end, and some words related to civil servants also make me very stressed. But in the face of such opportunities, I still have to be prepared for arrangements such as having dinner with my aunt's relative afterwards. I don't know how to communicate with my family members, who all think that I am only thinking about going to the capital and that they think I am crazy.

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