Reconnecting with estranged family?
Does anyone here have experience with reconnecting with family you’ve been estranged from for a long time? Specifically where there was a history of abuse?
I am a mid-life aged adult and have not spoken to any of my family for many years. Originally I had separated from my parents because of ongoing abuse and denial, but the rest of my family decided to also estrange themselves because of my decision.
I can’t say I regret it, because there was safety and healing I hadn’t been able to attain until I left. Obviously it was hard in many ways, mainly the loneliness of seeing other families. I wouldn’t have had that even with my family, it was just a loss in general to grieve. Over the years I’ve considered reconnecting, wondering if they’ve changed, if I’d feel guilt if they passed, if it was morally right now that they’re getting older and they don’t know their grandchildren. I had always felt peace about continuing the separation.
Just recently it’s entered my mind again, and I’ve wondered if I actually desire to reconnect. I can’t tell you why or what’s changed. I have gone through a lot of changes in my life recently, and maybe part of me feels strong enough to try to see if I can have something with them. Maybe I’m just lonely and getting desperate. Part of me is not sure. I still have a lot of healing to do from various events in my life, not just my past with them. There’s the potential that this could really be bad for me if it doesn’t go well. I think what’s getting me is I don’t know for sure if I still feel at peace, if I may regret not trying if they pass, or what’s best for my kids. My kids are older now and don’t know any different. I am concerned for their safety but don’t want to do them harm by denying them extended family.
If anyone has been in this type of situation, I’d love to hear your perspective. Thank you. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I walked away from family various reasons including addiction in siblings and a parent that only enabled the addiction and playing victim by siblings. we all gather as our mom was passing it was almost 10 years later and frankly, I do not know these people and I would not choose to get to know them if they were real strangers. NO one will admit or take responsibility for their lives being a train wreck.
My people have who I am as a version frozen in time they even get confused by all the lies, they told others about why they had not seen or talked to me. some family friend cousins etc. told me some whoppers siblings made up as to why they did not know where I live etc.
I have not heard of successful reconnection but occasionally think about what if. The fact is if they wanted a relationship they would try too... Regardless of what any others say protect yourself not from past but from their delusions about why you are estranged.
@toughTiger6481
I understand what you mean. Hope that you are now doing well.
I read this and it could have been me writing it. No, I haven’t reconnected. Though I have fantasized about a reconnection going well, my practical mind tells me that they would react in the same ways they did in the past, and that reconciliation is not possible. Probably we are already entrenched in our positions and there’s less trauma now, so why not carry on separately?
@PatienceImpatiens Thank you. ❤️ I agree. I think it would set me back too much mentally if it didn’t work out again. I don’t think they’d have any motivation to change, as they all fuel each other. I imagine all decent people wonder from time to time “what if” and want the best. It’s just not the world we live in.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas. Trigger warning ‼️
I had to leave home in my teens due to violence and sexual abuse. Some years later I was contacted by family members saying they had been to therapy and please give another chance. I agreed to see them but things got violent and dangerous pretty quickly. So I never saw them again after that. I do understand that it can be a hard decision.
@adventurousBranch3786 Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. 😞 My stomach is in knots for you. I’m so glad you got away again. How are you doing now with things? Thank you so much for being willing to share this with me. ❤️
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas. I’m okay rn. I was just reading your post again. Regarding guilt if they passed. This is a good question. There was one relative I had feelings for and kept touch with by phone (for safety) until they died. I do think that helped in that one case. The others I don’t have too much feelings for and don’t worry about guilt when they die. How do you think their passing might affect you? (If comfortable answering).
@adventurousBranch3786 It’s hard to know for sure. I have tried to meditate on this scenario many times to make sure I am comfortable with my decision. I think I would feel more loss than I probably realize right now, but at the same time I might feel some relief. That might sound bad. I’m sure I will deal with guilt. I’ve really tried to trick my brain into visualizing this completely, to be more sure I’m doing the right thing. I imagine none of us can completely anticipate what we’re going to feel. But I do get this universal feeling that a higher power understands that I need to feel safe and help myself first.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas. It doesn’t sound bad at all .It’s understandable to me.
To be honest I would prioritieze the safety of my children over compromising their safety simpy becuase I felt guilty... Guilt does not always mean you are at fault. You just feel guilt because what you did was not something someone would usually do normally. Being a member of a famiy means you have to belong, be cared for, be loved, and most of all be safe.
You also don't want to deprive your children of their extnended famiy, but what if they also get abused? Will they be treated kindly too just like you? Why should they be treated differently from you?
If these people truly loved you, they should have shown basic respect.
Your children probably has peace of mind because they do not interact with those people so tell your children what you went through and give your children the freedom to choose whether they should befriend the abusive relatives. That way, they have more control over who they meet and they know what to expect.
If someone knew someone was abusive and introduced their children to that abuser we should not be shocked if the child also gets abused.
I am speaking purely from an outsider's perspective and coming from a background of being verbally abused.
Peace of mind is important and there are some people we should not cross paths with because of fear for our safety and peace of mind.
@VentFreely Thank you so much for your thoughts.❤️ These are the same kinds of things that have run through my mind. I don’t want to gamble with my children. We have some elderly friends and neighbors who I believe have been a kind of extended family. I think God gave us to each other to have some sense of family. They were lonely as well. It’s different, but it is something.
Some people are much closer to us than blood-related families. It is different, yes, but we at least get to choose who to add to our social cictle but with families we can't. Of course, for me, having a good relationship with my blood-related family makes more sense than someone who isn't but remember that how they treat you is more important than worrying about whether you are blood related or not.
We people need each other to survive. Even the president can't be a president if nobody votes for them and even a king is not a king without people to govern. Nobody can really have a place in society if they are alone. They need a society that consists of people that have different roles to fill each other's gaps, family or not. Some are rich so the rich help the poor. Someone is poor but can see can help the blind. Someone who is disabled know that knows sign language can help the deaf able-bodied deaf person. We must build each other up through extending helping hands and help meet each other's needs and progress as a society.
The basic unit of society is the family. Make your own family nad choose wisely. For me, I am lucky and blessed that my blood-related family is more peaceful than before (because before it was awful) but after joining the MCGI (it is the church) I found my spiritual fmaily who became my friends and people who care about each other. They visited my father while he was hospitalized and some brought fruit and showed concern.
But choose wisely and have firm boundaries and definitely pray to God you will find your people. People who return the help you have given them but at the same time not expect anything in return like favors or help also.
It won't be like this forever if your children also make kids of their own. That way, through that, your family also expands and you won't be so isolated.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I'm a little late to this dance, however, I send you big big *hugs* ❤️
I'm so glad that you are prioritizing your children's safety and well being. ❤️ You didn't have a choice in the past of what ever it was that was done to you, ways in which you were treated badly. Many suffer in silence. You seem quite reasonable, rational and I'm glad that you have found the courage to reach out before making any decisions that could have profound effects.
Sometimes friends are family that we choose for ourselves. ❤️ I'm so glad that you have good people in your life that can stand in the space of giving to you and yours in kind and supportive ways. Giving in ways that you may be questioning why true relatives were unable to.
You know, kind hearted people have a tendency to not want to stay angry, to not to want to hold grudges, to have forgiveness in their hearts, want to give grace for others and might even forget from time to time how bad those bad moments really were in an effort to be a peacemaker.
It can be especially compelling after a long time has passed, having children of ones own, seeing other family units and how things have been successful with their extended family members. It can be compelling even more so around the holidays.
Something that could be impactful could be that it seems to be a feeling/common theme with so many little children that "only bad people dislike their parents". There is still the child within that exists while you have had to make adult decisions. No one is bad for disliking abuse from parents. No one is bad for removing themselves from toxic environments and even to the point of estrangement for ones own mental health, safety and well being. Some people have very deep seated problems, things that have nothing to do with us, things that existed long before we were born, but then choose to use little children as a vessel as a repository for projection, abuse, dominance, etc.
It's okay to forgive others, but to not allow them access to you or your family. Forgiveness is something that you can do for you! It's okay to forgive, but to also not forget as forgetting or trying to is going back to square one and repeating history. Not everyone deserves to have access to you and not everyone that is forgiven needs to ask for it.
Sometimes it simply takes another human being to say "it's okay, you don't have to feel guilty about any of this'. I'll be that person for you! ❤️ I absolve you of any guilt for making wise and healthy choices for yourself! For refusing to take being badly treated, for refusing to involve yourself in any more unnecessary suffering. You are a human being that is deserving of love, dignity, civility and respect.
I hope that you will give your self time in the decision making process. Many times people will see choices as only 2 options. Option A or Option B, to reunite or not reunite. The rarely thought of option, is the choice of Option C. Deciding to not make a choice, to not make a decision at all and to give yourself time to continue to reflect further until you feel truly confident that you are making a wise move.
I'm sorry If I haven't been very eloquent here. Your forum post caused me pause and you have no idea how very much it pulled at my heart strings to know that you are on the precipice of a decision while also being concerned for the safety of your children. Yes, it was that...it's like someone rolled in a big neon, red sign, with an arrow pointing right at that comment.
I send you big big *hugs* ❤️ sweet friend. I know it's hard. ❤️
@SparkyGizmo It is never too late for me to receive such kindness and wisdom. ❤️ Thank you so much for caring and taking the time. Your words made me feel wrapped in a warm hug.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
You are most welcome my sweet friend! ❤️ I'm just glad that I could say something, anything to bring you a bit of comfort, some understanding as these are really difficult situations to navigate, to consider and I can only imagine that you are hurting, and quite a bit right now and just may have been for many years.
And so this..."It's hard to not wish for the ideal". You said it and you said it best! There is so much wisdom in that statement. I think a great deal of you "wishing for an ideal" is quite selfless and just may strongly be related to your childrens experiences. Wanting of a wish fulfillment for your children to have a grandma or a grandpa and or other extended family members. That could induce feelings of guilt if you might feel as if you have a choice in the matter in seeking resolution and might be feeling that you are the gatekeeper of providing such a thing for them.
I hear you and completely! It's a hard decision to consider opening that door, wanting good things for your kids while also wanting to keep them out of harms way.
People can't give to you what it is that they don't have meaning empathy, compassion, feelings of true remorse for whatever it was that transpired. Some are ill equipped for that and never will be due to their own personal problems. You sound like a kind and willing spirit and it sounds like you feel that there may have been some things that you could have done better with in the past? It sounds like you don't mind accountability moments at all! Aha! 💫
There is nothing wrong with wanting to say your peace, knowing that you said it and you did your personal best. If others just aren't receptive then that is our closure as people if that just so happens to be something that we need. You know you tried, you meant no harm, there will be no gaslighting with you if you know that you led with an olive branch.
Perhaps people do change after all? The above could be "dipping your toe in" a bit and testing those waters with no worry of involving your children. It's just clearing the air, a conversation and you don't have to commit to anything else at that moment.
There could be some turn taking, a bit of reciprocity? I guess one could always remain hopeful that the person on the other line may have grown, had time to consider their actions and the key word here really is "remorse". Those that are highly entitled rarely have true feelings of remorse. Could be a bit of a test to see if someone has the capacity to feel such a thing, to apologize in the right ways and to validate your feelings and emotions.
If you decide to go that route, you'll likely know if someone is being genuine with you or not. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so if others haven't changed their ways, feel no remorse, shame, guilt or accountability then you'll know how to proceed.
Again, I send you big big *hugs* ❤️ and my promise to you is that I'm sending well wishes out into the universe ✨ in hopes that the powers that be, will guide you, help you and provide peace, comfort and safety to you and yours!
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I am sorry that you experienced estrangement. It has been a part of my life for quite a while. There are some positive things that have happened since, though. I would like to chat, perhaps, in the future. Take care of you!
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I want you to know once in abusive family will always continue to be abusive. I have had a family that has been abusive my entire life. They will always be abusive whether they're just physically or verbally and they probably won't do it to the grandchildren or they probably will it depends on what kind of family and what ethnicity you are. Yes, I know that sounds racist, but it is true. Your ethnicity will defined on how they will react when they find out that you have kids and you did not tell them I would consider just getting in contact with them by via phone first before you physically go to their house because if it's physical abuse, you do not want to be in a situation like that again, especially because once you enter their house, it's going to trigger you again and all of those memories.
@oliveCranberry2893 Thank you so much for writing to me. I’m sorry you’ve been in this kind of situation too. I do have kids, and that’s my biggest concern with all this. They have surprised me with how they’ve acted around other kids. I’m so grateful for all of you offering me your thoughts and experiences. As soon as I posted I had a feeling a should just keep on my current course. But you’ve helped me be more confident in the decision I made.
How are you doing with these kind of things in your life? Or just life in general? I hope you are well. ❤️
Hi @PiecesOfWhoeverIWas,
My suggestion is simple: Accept that they have not changed, and that you will never be able to change them. If despite this you still want to connect with them, do it. But since you said that you're still not fully healed, I would not bother. It is not just risky, it is dangerous. And if you have any doubts, instead of being sure, then that's a sign (I would say) to not do it. "If in doubt, don't do it"; as they say.
I understand the fear of them passing and then you regretting not re-establishing contact, but more often than not, this is a lie we tell ourselves in order to get lured back into danger. You will end up hurt again, and they will pass either way later on; like we all will. I would also not expose your children to abusive people, just because they are "family".
@null01 Thank you so much. I am so grateful for your input. I’ve definitely decided not to reconnect for so many reasons. I don’t think I am healed enough, I don’t want to gamble with my kids’ safety, and I am pretty sure from past experiences that they have not likely changed. I feel at peace about it. I have been spending time focusing on myself and my kids.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
According to my prior writings I walked away from my "family" decades ago. The details and facts escape me, quite literally. I truly don't remember anything about my past, including people, places, events, etc.. However, Out of the blue , some time ago, someone claiming to be my sister contacted me. I believe it was originally through snail mail. We have sent a few emails back and forth. I am taking it on blind faith that they are who they say they are. I don't foresee that we will ever meet in person.
I don't know if not remembering anything would be considered a blessing or a curse in this particular case. I walked away and obviously stayed away for what I must have considered as a very important set of reasons.
I am not sure the reasons why I am continuing to communicate with this stranger who insists that they are my sister. I think she mentioned something about other sisters? With all the issues I struggle with , plus the rapid decline of my mental and physical abilities I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to continue our communications.
I doubt this helped you in any way but this is probably my last and only closest example of reuniting that I will experience.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hi Iam ❤️ It’s so nice to see your name, thank you for writing to me and sharing your story. It does help me to learn other people’s experiences. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It must be hard not remembering what happened. I think you’re right that sometimes it’s best when we don’t remember. Our minds know how to protect us until a time when we are more prepared to deal with it. I’m glad you are feeling good about talking with the sister right now. I hope things will improve with your physical/mental health. You seem like a very sweet person.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
@Sirpi
Hi Pieces! 😊 ❤️
It's me again! 😊 ❤️ Please be rest assured that you have been on mind and in my heart! I've been following your thread. I care about you, your feelings and how it is that you are trying to find the best way to process them for you and yours.
While this isn't about me and my focus is on you, I imagine you can probably tell by now that there is most likely some sort of "lived experience" with me in regard to the decisions you have been grappling with as of late. From reading through the thread, it sounds as if you have come to a decision for now. Nothing pleases me more than to know that you are at peace. 😇
Our founder, Glen, refers to us as a gift 🎁 giving society. I could not agree with him more and gifts to one another can come along in many different forms. Having said that, I have a couple of gifts for you that may help you along the way.
Feel free to youtube some pieces of music, if you like, that have brought me comfort in the past. Sometimes listening to certain lyrics can help us when we feel alone, confused, feel that no one else would understand. Hearing certain lyrics let me know that someone out there in the universe felt the way I have or else they wouldn't have created that piece of music. It can help when we struggle to find the words for it all.
"Someone Saved My Life Tonight" Elton John
"Beautiful Day" Michael Buble'
I've tagged a dear friend and amazing teammate here, Superrrrrrr Sirpiiiii aka "The Sculptor", someone who I deeply admire and respect. We were just talking the other day about the power of music, how it can effect us, how it can benefit us and how even contributions with music in the forum areas could be beneficial.
Additionally, I think you are pretty amazing @Pieces! ❤️ You are such a kind and willing spirit that originally created this thread to seek help and support and It appears that in doing so, you have also found purpose in your pain through helping others.
*Bows in front of greatness* ✨
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo Sparky ❤️ I don’t know why, but you are so sweet to me. You have replied to other posts of mine in the past whether you realize or not, and your name has popped out as someone who is consistently loving and supportive. I have also seen you be this for others here. I have such respect and admiration for you. Thank you for all you have poured into my thread here. For me to log on here and see these kind thoughts and kindness toward me, I am stuffing back tears. 😭 I hope you have an inkling of what an amazing spirit you are for people. Thank you so much. I will look up your music suggestions now! Just, thank you for making me feel so cared for. You might not realize how much that means to me.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@samkonstas This is really helpful, thank you so much. As it turns out, a sibling just found me and reached out to have the family reconnect. I have so many mixed emotions. I have been thinking about the kinds of things you mentioned, like if I do it I have to be calm and have lots of good boundaries in place.