SoulSun808 Member Profile

Alternative journal

Journals & Diaries / by SoulSun808

May 2nd

...See more Well, I tried to ignore it but I feel like writing some thoughts down and I don't have enough energy today to write id down in my actual journal, so I'm opening this as an alternative for me to nor feel preassured to write it down in hand writing. This way I'll still get if off my chest. Today was a hard day. There are currently a lot of very, very important exams in fornt of me and I've already taken two of five. The first one was great and the second idk. At least nor terrible so I'm still hoping for the best. Additionally, I feel like there is now not enugh motivation left to try hard in the rest of my exams. And it scares me, because this is important for my future. However if I don't like doing sth, I'm usually not good in it if I try. Idk maybe thats an ADHD thing or I'm just tired of trying, idk what I'm saying. I generally don't know anything anymore. I can't name my feelings or my moods and the people around me are either super motivated and smart and that therefore makes me feel behind, or they are very confident that I will make it and I feel like I will disappoint them. Also my family is kinda in a bad place. There's a lot of agruing and fighting and feeling like you have to navigate very carefully or someone will be upset and yell at you. Even at me, who for once wasn't a part of this at all! But it's very difficult for one person especially to not project their emotions on everyone. That is so draining! Yeah, and this is totally not topicrelated but I also feel like the future very scaring right now, so many expectations to fulfill and a big part of my life is actually ending. The end of an era. I'm not ready. AT ALL! I just notice that now, because there was literally no time to deal with any of my emotions lately. No time. Maybe that was bad, idk. This will probably reach no one and I really just wanted to write all of that *** down, so it's fine. I'll go back to reading and feeling bad, because I'm not trying hard enough eventhough everyone else is. Well, maybe it was supposed to be like this from the start, I'm just weird and can't do things I don't want to. How am I supposed to live a life in this world then?

I'm angry and alone

Relationship Stress / by SoulSun808

November 1st, 2025

...See more Is there someone who wants to rage with me? About anything? My mom? 🙃 Family has always been complicated for me or maybe that's just me. I feel very trapped in my home and that's partly because of my mom. My relationship to her is kinda complicated. I'm about to graduate and therefore very occupied with tasks and assignments. One major seminar paper needs to be ready next week and although I'm almost done, my mom suddenly decides to get involved. I asked her to stop pushing me because she wasn't interested in it a year ago, so why stress me out even more now during the final most important, days!? I'm already very stressed, I feel so much pressure. Home doen not really like a place to relax anymore. It's more like a few people living different lives, they're just sharing a place to live. That's how it feels like with my family lately. There's nothing but conflicts, screaming and work. I also process different personal things I figured out about myself and being so sensitive to emotions and thoughts of others, life is already exhausting all the time. My mind literally never rests analyzing everything, putting pressure on myself, asking impossible questions and feels like a weird outsider all the time. I really can't process the additional pressure of her right now. But suddenly she feels responsible, getting involved although she was so busy working lately that she didn't spend any time with the rest of the family besides having conflicts with everyone. I don't know how to express everything I feel and it's just exhausting. I tried. She reminded me once that there's just little time left to finish it and of course I know that. It's my first priority since weeks, which she could have known if she paid attention to her family and talked about sth else than her life and job for the moment. So yeah... that was just me being angry because I feel like I'm not allowed to express it openly in this house. So if they don't want to hear about my feelings, I hope this post finds someone who will. 🙃 Eventhough it's just me being angry and expressing the feelings that are not allowed to be shown out loud. (I'm sorry it's nothing important but I waited so many years to start voicing my opinion and feelings because they feel so complicated that it was always difficult to express it in an understandable way. Also no one would realy listen, just moving on as always.)

Triggering myself on purpose?!

Self-Harm Recovery / by SoulSun808

August 28th, 2025

News/ good news!

Self-Harm Recovery / by SoulSun808

July 6th, 2025

Useless thoughts

Depression Support / by SoulSun808

May 5th, 2025

What should I do?

Anxiety Support / by SoulSun808

May 5th, 2024

The big question of my life

Anxiety Support / by SoulSun808

June 14th, 2024

...See more Hey, everyone, how are u doing? I hope better than me, because I have to say, that I'm not really fine. Im asking myself one question and I know that it's one, that we all know, but it stuck with me for so long, that it really influences me. It's constantly in my mind and I can't stop thinking about the future. It's scary and I don't know if anyone cares, cause my family doesn't, so maybe this is nonsense, but I'll just use it as a place to order my thoughts. Maybe it will help. What is this life for? That's a big, big question and still it's there all the time. Is it about laying in bed, being depressed and not knowing what to do? Or destroying relationships, being selfish and hating everyone, because they have different opinions? Or idk, what is it all about? Why can't i be myself? Why is everyone so fake all the time? And how did I become one of them? There are at least 10 different versions of me. I don't know whos real and who isn't. Me with my family: kinda normal and trying to do my best all the time. Trying to act as normal as I can, so they don't think I'm weird. Also hiding things of them, because I know they have pretty much expectations and rules how to live. With my friends (the most of them): hiding my biggest secret, trying to make them accept me, so never showing my true self without hiding TOO much.But also enjoying life al little more than alone, ***. They make me come out of the house and that helps sometimes. Then me in the public: shy, introvert and nothing like myself, even when I'm alone. Just pretending to be one of them, normal, so they dont look and think I'm weird without getting to know me. I want to change things, help people but im too insecure to do it, so I'll stay in the background and regret it later. And i guess, then there's me alone: Crazy, trying new things, being loud and funny, and silent and thinking about life and all these things. Also worrying if I did okay at this day. Did I do sth weird in public? Did I made the best with this day? Was I productive enough? And if I didn't, is it going to change tomorrow? There are probably some more versions of myself: The indepentend one, the one, that just want to hide in my room and the one, that just wants to leave all this behind and be my true self. But I'm still looking and I don't know if I'll ever find it. So this is my journey and I hope it ends soon with achieving my goal. Everyone can reach their goals, I know that. So I hope you too. 😘

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