Everything is becoming pointless
Hello,
I am [36M] not facing one unusual problem, but many problems all at the same time. The weight of everything together is making it hard for me to even leave my bed. Everything feels bland and tasteless.
I lost my father two months ago. I was not able to be there for him in his final days. I have been living in Korea for the past eight years to complete my PhD. Now I don’t even know if I will ever finish it.
The irony is that I couldn’t be with my father because I was trying to finish my PhD. My supervisor kept telling me I would finish early, but he keeps changing the finish line. I stayed because I believed him. I thought I was close. I thought I was doing the right thing.
I blame myself for many things. I tell myself I was lazy. I should have focused more on learning the language. Now I feel powerless — like a slave to my professor, who uses me to advance his own career. I feel like I cannot complain to anyone. I cannot leave because I am afraid of what people will say.
I also feel responsible for taking care of my mother back home. She is hurt and angry that I did not return when my father needed me. I keep thinking I should have left everything and gone back. I didn’t. I stayed because I wanted to show my father my degree. I wanted to show him that I had achieved something.
Since my father passed away, my supervisor has not once spoken to me about it. Instead, he scolded me for taking a four-week break, even though the university only officially allowed two weeks. I feel he is taking advantage of my vulnerable situation. Sometimes I understand why there are no Korean students in his lab.
Right now, I feel stuck — between guilt, anger, grief, and exhaustion. I feel disappointed in myself, betrayed by my supervisor, and distant from my family. I don’t know what to do next.
@RemainUnnamed I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your dad. ❤️ But if I may say this-- sometimes in life we make decisions that we think is best in the time that we are doing through. No one can predict certain events that occur in our life. You've got to forgive yourself for what you didn't do. You've got to release that guilt because if you don't... it will eat away at you. Please please forgive yourself and make whatever mends you need to. You are at that point in life, you have to pick and prioritize. Can you live with a certain choice you make or don't make? Or will guilt always hang over your head? There's nothing wrong with wanting to advance your education, but please don't be so consumed that you let life and loved ones pass you by.
Sharing my 2 cents here-- but I'm not getting a good feeling about your supervisor/professor (not sure which). To not acknowledge your loss after losing literally someone that's a part of you is just cold. I say this with wonder because no decent person would scold someone grieving a loved one. 😞 Anyway, I really am sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best with your studies... but most importantly, with your family! You've got some reflecting to do and I hope you do what's best for you, your wellbeing, and happiness! ❤️ RIP to your dad and take care!
@RemainUnnamedI wasn’t there when my dad passed. He was in Detroit and I was in Hawaii. Now I’m many years older than he was when he passed. I have mixed feelings about whether I want my kids around while I’m in the dying process. While I’d like the opportunity to say goodbye and that I’m proud of them, I’d also very much like for their last memory of me would be of seeing walking around and smiling.
Having your best interest at heart, what do you feel your father would want you to prioritize, a visit, or the completion of your PhD? I can imagine that either choice may feel “wrong.” That’s especially true while you’re in the grieving process. My impression is that your father would admire your dedication to the PhD program.
Exploitation of PhD students is both very common, virtually a tradition. I wouldn’t be surprised if PhD programs economic structure integrates student slave labor. In the medical profession, such slavery is taken to a dangerous extreme, at least in this country. I guess you could say betraying students is commonly part of the PhD program.
Your feelings aren’t surprising. Anger and grief are exhausting. Then you have your workload, the feeling that it’s necessary to choose between what seems to be all wrong options. You are away from your family, and I think if I were in your situation, I’d feel quite overwhelmed.
There’s a very common cultural belief that however hard we work, and whatever effort we put into making decisions, we always could’ve done more and better. From that belief stems chronic guilt and self-disappointment. I think the mindset is derived from the idea that “there’s always room for improvement.” It’s true, there always is, but it’s impossible to improve without practice and learning through practice inevitably involves making mistakes. The thing to keep note of is that chronic guilt and self-disappoint undermines the process of improvement, and such feelings are 100% undeserved, as long as you’re doing what you believe to be your best, regardless of whatever mistakes you make.
What to do next? We’re not allowed to advise. However, I think the thing to do is to consider what course of action offers you the most fulfilling options for your future. If a person wishes to effectively care about or for others, they must first nurture their own well-being.
Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it more.
@RemainUnnamed
Well, I wish you luck friend, I think it's best to do what you feel is best for yourself what may help you feel better. Take care 🍀🍀🍀🍀🌸🌸🌸🌸
Hello
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I understand it takes time to heal from such grieving. While you're struggling to have time to heal you are struggling too with such supervisor and the pressure. It's really difficult time on you with pressures but you know what? You're now in a point of life to turn everything to another road. Yes you can . Because now why you would care about what people say ?. The most important is you now . This supervisor understands that he can use you and take advantage of your efforts. You really have to figure out how to change this . Maybe you can find another university to continue your research there . You can search you can have interviews you can emailing everywhere find any door for your research to go to light and BTW your PhD not your success. I mean you studied you have knowledge you can use it in any work feild try to just be free.
Your weight and health is something needs self love energy to work on .
Normally with grieving and blaming self also pressure of worry on your mom all this draining your energy.
Stop blaming self and heal breath and care for your own self here .
You cant help anyone without helping you first.
If you need to talk about it more you are welcome to text me.
I hope all the best for you.
And you're doing great in such circumstances which will pass with time.
Everything will be okay no worries.
Stay blessed
Nour
@RemainUnnamed
I wish you didn't have to carry any guilt over what happened with your father. It's unfortunate that it so often goes this way with family. People get hurt, then they get angry, and they pull away from one another. You want to be able to rely on that support, but that's not always possible.
Then you're dealing with a loss of trust with your supervisor, and you feel stuck in pursuit of that goal, which obviously puts a lot more strain on the situation.
On top of all that, you want to be able to grieve for your Dad, which maybe you weren't able to properly do with everything else you've got going on?
I only have limited information about your circumstances so I don't want to give too much advice. I'll just say that I can relate to professional and family pressure of this nature, and I think a lot of it comes naturally with this stage of life in one form or another.
Do you think some compartmentalization might help? What's most important right now? Your degree? Your family? Would you feel less overwhelmed if you could just take it one problem at a time?
“Life is a bit tiring, no one understand you, no one cares about you, and everyone cares about themselves even the closest people you have. You always find the happiness you’ve been searching to specific people. It takes time to finally realize that the real person who love you the most is yourself.” - that’s what I finally realized after being betrayed. The person who really love us, care for us, will always decide what they like, and that’s themselves. Be good and kind to yourself, that’s the only reason why you keep on fighting. Big hug ❤️🩹
You have put in eight years! That is an accomplishment! I earned my doctorate and it is a wonderful feeling after putting in the years. At times it was difficult to keep moving forward, but I am so glad I did. Please think of all options even if outside the box before making your decision. Perhaps look into transfer rather than quitting altogether. Sending hugs.
Hi there
I’m so sorry about your father passing, my condolences to you and your mom. Regret and guilt are the thieves of joy. The reason that you are in bed and can’t get out is because you’ve experience a life-changing traumatic event that’s a regular stress response in the circumstance. I think that I would probably feel guilty as well. Actually, I know I would, but you can’t stay there and not guilt living. There is not healthy and it’s not gonna get you anywhere. So feel the feelings go through the motions take the time you need and then return stronger. Finish your PhD. Do that for yourself you deserve it and although your father isn’t here anymore. Know that you would be so proud of you and your accomplishments and he would not want you to be bedridden and feel the guilt and turmoil of regret.
Take good care