I AM SO VERY MAD PLS HELP
My main problem right now is that I do not like attempting to solve a situation when I'm angry because I may say the wrong thing or the wrong way. I am keeping everything to myself -with all that means- to avoid being mean or hurtful or say things I regret later. But it's very unfair to myself not to speak up about the issue. Thing is, as time goes by I just don't feel like saying anything at all anymore. It is draining to come up with the right way of saying things.
THE SITUATION
We are a group (11 people) of friends +35 years old (not besties, just hang-out friends). Most of us have no kids and we go out every week (Friday, Saturday). We have traveled together many times (like long weekends to nearby cities). And we -of course- a whatsapp group. I have been noticing lately that the group is kinda dead sometimes. I made a joke last saturday and only one person reacted and only one other actually answered what I said.
I made a poll Yesterday morning to go to the movies tonight (Friday) at 1020pm. (We had already discussed this at the beggining of the week like on Tuesday and Wednesday).
About 5 people did not bother to take a moment to vote. I saw the blue checkmark so they all saw the poll and did not even bother. They only voted this morning, after I thanked the ones who took 1 second to vote.
And today Friday at 8pm one of the guys who has not uttered a single word the whole week says "hey do you want to go to [randomplace]. Let's say 9.30pm?". And suddenly 5 people were joining him. Can you see why I'm furious?!?!?? Am I wrong to be extremely upset?!!?? Don't you think it is competely and utterly disrespectful to me?!?!? I know he is not doing it TO ME but it is a pretty inconsiderate thing to do.
I mean the idea is to get together. I value more the opportunity to share time together than the activity and now they deliberatedly excluded me of the plan. I mean they didn't do it with that intention but the plan excluded me. If we had bought the tickets at noon like we usually do, I would be tied to another plan with only 2 of our friends. I love them but the idea is to go all together. And we have managed to organize many many things so it is completely possible to get all of us together.
I am trying to find ways to express the fact that I feel this whole situation is horrible and that I feel disrespected. But everytime I write something to post in the group chat I'm sptitting out resentment. I am still so mad. I mean.... they need to be held responsible they cannot just walk all over me.
There is a saying that goes something like: you are slave to your words but owner of your silence so I really like being careful with my words.
I know me, I am capable of leaving the group because of this. I was about to leave but I decided not to act fueled by anger. I also don't want my actions to be attention-seeking nor do I attempt to victimize myself. I just.... I AM SO UPSET!!!!! HFJFDKFHASJKDF And I feel like I am not going to say anything about it and it makes me more upset!
Any words of wisdom?
Thanks in advance
Are you able to talk to someone else as a way of letting off steam and seeking advice?
@reevee thank you. Actually I was not able and it was night time. That is why I posted it here. I attempted to chat with someone but I was not lucky. It was late when I wrote my post.
I just prayed to God to help me through the whole thing. The following morning (Saturday) I was waaay less angry and I managed to write everything down in a very neutral/positive way (in my computer's notepad).
I decided I would wait until later to write it in the group. Then I decided it would be better to wait until Sunday. And after that I decided I do not need to say it in writting but maybe when we get together in person I will talk about it.
I feel like written statements are more serious and attention-seeking or dramatic in a way. And it turned out to be long so. I am happy with the situation now. And I thank God for kinda walking me through it.
Thanks for writing!
@nattaliaa
Oh my, this sounds like me. Fed up with silently putting up with everything, but taking too long to find the words that often the moment is past. I don't have much to help you with, other then to say I know exactly how frustrating that feels.
I think communicating assertively is key. And there are some good posts about how to do that. But I completely agree with you, you can’t be assertive until you've got rid of that bubbling anger. And that's where I'm at too - trying to find a way to process the anger so I can move on to the ultimate aim of calm assertiveness. It's taking some time, unfortunately.
Good luck. Keep trying. One day we will learn how to do it.
@Clio9876 thank you for writing and it does help if another human knows the feeling. :)
Fortunately, I managed to work through it. God gave me the strength to get through it.
Writing it all down always helps me clear my head. If it is on paper (or screen, in this case) it doesn't take up mental space. So I kinda let it go and I don't ruminate over it.
Now There is still that chance tha I never mention this which would be pretty unfair to myself but... oh well. I'll see what I can do. I think in a normal conversation it would go smoother.
I hope you can get through yours too in the future
Thanks for writing!
@nattaliaa
Oh, yes! Writing it out helps sooooo much. In particular, I found John Gray's "Love Letter" technique really effective. Because, not only does it help me to process the feelings, but it also helps clarify what I want.
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better about it. I hope you have a good weekend.
Hi,
Sorry to hear about that. Unfortunately, similar issue happened to me with two friends when we have a group chat. Suddenly they stopped sending any chats whereas in the past it was at least 10 messages per day about almost all kinds of things. So I completely understand your frustrations with this sudden unexplained attitude. It very likely has nothing to do with you since you have shown initiative to reach out. Unfortunately most people don't realize that unanswered messages and ghosting cause distress and anxiety in a lot of people. The blue check marks, last seen online and read notices are the worst thing especially when you realize that people are actually seeing messages and not bothering to answer. Like you mentioned the best thing is not to write it in the group chat. When you come face to face with them, then bring this issue up. I wish you well and hope it goes well. Take care.
Wow, okay. I read the post and the comments too. It must've took you enormous strength to talk about this when you feel that trying to express your emotions in the right way brings a lot of internal turmoil. It must exhaust you to fight your feelings and express them in a neutral way at the same time 🥺. And then being wise to refrain from saying it on the group in the heat of those moments, you expressed your feelings directly to the Almighty, I see how He's given you that strength to deal with what happened 🙏 I understand your anger at this situation where it felt like you're being excluded or treated like you don't matter on the very small group chat. It does seem inconsiderate, and your feelings about that are valid. You want the group to hang out together and have a good time but for some reason that person didn't pay attention to the plan you suggested and posted the poll. I believe they could've acknowledged your poll and it's results and asked if others are free for their 9:30pm plan? Pardon me if I'm missing something in the story, but now after reflection on this, what would you have liked to hear from them that would be both sensitive to you and allows them to go forth with their plan as well?
Much love 💖
