I'm already failing my son
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but maybe someone out there at the same point in life as me is feeling the same way.
For the sake of brevity I'll make a long story short. I am a deeply unhappy person. For a long time now I've dealt with feelings of loneliness, isolation, shame, extremely low self-worth, and unfulfilled desires for both platonic connection as well as intimacy (which was harder to type out than I thought it would be).
I have a beautiful 20 month old son that I would do anything for. I would carve my own heart out of my chest and hand it to him if that's what he needed from me.
Though I'm keenly aware of the fact that all of this emotional baggage I'm carrying that isn't being addressed is keeping me from being the father he deserves. It's killing my patience with him, and it's preventing me from being available when he reaches for me.
I don't have a great relationship with my own father, and all I want is to be able to break that cycle with him. It will devastate me if I fail.
I can't talk to my wife about all of this. She is exhausted, overwhelmed, limited by her own deep-seeded insecurities, and struggles with untreated ADHD. History would suggest that she'd likely get defensive, then angry, and then try and guilt me for how I feel.
I just don't know what to do. My son isn't even 2 years old yet and I'm already failing him.
@HearshotKid
You are not failing him because you are here.
And you are sharing.
And you are being vulnerable.
You wouldn't be doing that if you didn't care or didn't love him.
Being a parent is not easy and it can be tiring and you don't have to have it all together, but when you find yourself getting frustrated, put some calming techniques in place for yours and your son's benefit 💚
@HearshotKid
I don't know how much it can help but what if you start from what is in your control which is your action towards your own son and what tools you can use. You chose to come to this site, this is a powerful tool if you take some time to explore it. I don't know how much time you have on your hand but you can always find the time to do something even if little to improve your own state of mind....maybe start by searching a course on the site that can help with that... join a forum to help with your frustration and how to work on it.
Take on an activity that will show in the future to your son that you have tried, that you are trying.
What I hate about my father the most is that he thinks he is perfect... I even told him, we are all at fault but the only way to solve this is if he also goes to talk to our family counseler, we all did, I have been even been to a therapist but he refuses to try anthing and talk to anyone. I wouldn't hate him so much if I knew he tried at least, he participated in something and not just stood there even when the opportunity was giving. Even if he did something bad, I would say he did his best, he cares for me enough to try to change, I would say his mistakes are human just as mine are... but he doesn't.
As a daughter I would suggest you start with something to deal with how you react to a situation. There's lots of free stuff on this site...sometimes even just reading a post can give you suggestions on what exercise to try and manage emotions better.
I agree about the free stuff on 7 Cups. We all have to start some where and so far I'm learning many steps to put into action. We can only do so much progress day by day. We're better off being thankful for what we are able to do, then move on to higher ground! Look more to the positive, unconditional love and comfort you are giving your son! HearshotKid, you are trying to do the best you can at the time and it's evident that you love your son and you are there for him. Be forgiving and kind to yourself also! Others care about you and your son more than you know!
Its natural to feel overwhelmed nowadays, when there is more light on us and we see what kept us behind. I am sure you know the solution tha reaches you when you recognize the patterns and see more clearly the facts. Your son wants a dad he doesnt know the difference of good and bad cause that is a made up definition,not a truth in large view. You just be open no afraid to be evaluated cause you give what you mis from your dad and its done. 1 thing is sure: you are th only dad for him in this lifetime so he will love you forever no matter what.✌️
Your there for him so how is that failing him and doing your best, I pray it keeps me
@HearshotKid This is actually a phase which many new parents go through, almost everyone, Till the baby is 2-3 yrs old. So don't feel that you are alone in this. This phase is mentally draining and the guilt also comes with it of not doing enough. So don't worry and don't be hard on yourself. You are already doing and have pure intentions of doing best. So don't go rough on yourself.
One line I have recently read is - We are not victim of parenthood.
Please don't think you're failing him. You being considerate is the first sign that you aren't failing him, he's not even 2 years old and he has already got someone who would go limitless for him, he's lucky and as it is evident that you're thinking about it which means there's scope of improvement and you will improve with time. You've been sent an angel to cure something in you which was uncured for years, just give this angel a chance and keep your expectations low when you're a giver. Don't depend on anyone, even your wife (no offence to her) when you're the giver. Your love for your son should only be shown through you, you were born alone, you will die alone and hence if you love someone, love alone and who knows that might heal your wife as well. When you can't do anything about negativity, try to improve it even by 1% everyday because thinking about it and scr*wing your brain will do no good. We love you ❤️
@HearshotKid I'm a parent. Here's all you have to do to be a good parent. Put their needs before your own needs. Repeat. Repeat. Be patient. NEVER yell. EVER. Validate and use active listening. Accept them for who they are.
I appreciate everyone's comments so far, both the support and the advice.
I honestly posted this thread while probably not in the best head space, and I was unsure about it at first.
But I've got a lot to think about now.
@HearshotKid
happy you did :) ... it seems like nothing, but it is important to share your frustrations especially when you aren't feeling well, this is the space to do it and seek support
Hey there
I don’t know if I’m the best person to respond to this, but I feel in my heart I should say something. My son just turned 18 and I am dealing with or working through serious regret and guilt that I didn’t give him all I had to offer. You and I are both wrong. We aren’t letting our children down. The best parents are the ones who question if they’re doing enough if they’re doing things right. So the fact that you’re here looking for support advice or answers says or shows just how Great of a father you already are and you’re breaking cycles already.
If it eases your mind at all children, don’t remember this young of an age. They don’t have memories so you have time to find a solution, to get better, to do better for him and for yourself. What kind of support do you have in life other than your wife? What kind of supports does she have?