Likely divorce after 22 years... I'm so lost
My husband (44) of 22yrs moved out a month ago to stay at his mom's saying he needed time to decide if I(43)/the marriage is worth the effort. No fight occurred . Our marriage had been emotionally distant for a while and threats of divorce used to be fairly frequent. He isn't a bad guy but has poor communication and coping skills that have lead to some emotionally abusive behavior throughout our marriage. I never set boundaries either and accepted it so that's on me. We fell into a routine of me seeking connection and him feeling me expressing what I needed was a criticism so he felt attacked and withdrew. Over time I stopped looking to him for support and affection as much bc I didn't want to be rejected, didn't know how he would respond and didn't feel emotionally safe.
Since leaving he's promised to return on certain days but then there's a reason he can't. He came home "for good" Sunday then changed his mind monday. I told him I couldn't continue this way. That I needed him in the house working on the marriage with me but I couldn't stay in ambiguity due to the hurt it caused. He said he needed to do therapy and"fix" himself prior to returning. I held my boundary (I used to beg and plead and I refuse to do that anymore) and he said he saw no other way than divorce as our timelines didn't match up even though he says that isn't what he wants. He says it's to hard to see and live with me when we aren't happy and he needs time to think and work on himself. The one boundary I set he continues to break. & Didn't seem concerned about the pain his choices cause me.
I genuinely don't want him here if he doesn't love me and honestly I'm not over being told he has to think for a month on if I'm worth the effort or my questioning if he's talking to someone but I am gutted. I know some of it is just because we were together 22yrs but this hurts and I really don't have support.
I found that he's been calling/video chatting with a number out of state several times daily since at least October. He always calls when he leaves for work in the morning. He said it's a male friend (who I do think he told me was moving to this state and I have seen him talk to). I called the number and got VM. Whoever it was told my husband bc he ask me about it shortly after. He dodged the question of who it was but finally stated he ask me not to see anyone and he wasn't either and that it was this friend not a female.
All month he has sent mixed messages. He's said hurtful things, told me he didn't think I/the marriage was worth the effort, that i suffocate him bc I like to try to address and solve concerns and that he wants a divorce. But then if I don't text him he will text me. He's sent messages telling me he's sorry, he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me. He says he's returning but then there's an excuse.
Yesterday I told him I could no longer be an option to someone who had been a priority to me. That I wasn't asking for a divorce at this moment but I could not guarantee how I would feel if and when he decided whatever he wanted to do and that I needed to start to heal so I really only wanted to communicate about our adult kids and bills. That he stated he needed time/space and he should take it. He said he understood and was sorry. I didn't text again.
A few hours later he text telling me his whole life had been him being submissive and helping others when he was "dying inside and not mentally normal" and that he was done being around people who wanted him to be something he wasn't. I validated his feelings and ask if he were referring to me and he said just in general. He reinforced this had occured for 44yrs. I told him I hoped his therapy he said he was starting helped and that he found a way to be stable and ok bc he deserved that. I kept responses minimal. He text later telling me to sleep well and again this morning telling me to have a good day. ???
I don't understand the mixed signals at all! He has a pattern of getting his ego boosted with other women ( 3x in 22 years) one of the times we were separated for 3 weeks and the other two I found the texts and while they were not romantic or sexual he was still prioritizing the other women over time with me and stated it made him feel good to be able to help them.l while minimizing the pain it caused me. All of those instances were years ago.
He also has a pattern of falling into episodes where he feels sorry for himself and takes everything as an attack. Tbh the fact that I haven't begged him to stay and to love me is likely one of the reasons this has went on so long. I have communicated my feelings and been vulnerable though and made to clear i was 100 in to work on it if he was. Until I set the boundary yesterday. I know he has some self esteem, depression and anxiety issues and a traumatic past and he's made a lot of progress. But that isn't an excuse for ignoring my pain or for treating me poorly.
A part of me thinks I should wait just in case but the logical part of me is screaming he's made it clear what he wants with his actions and if we tried again the cycle would likely continue. I do fine at work but at home it's so hard. He's the one I talked to, texted etc. he's all I've known for so long and I'm scared divorce is a mistake but I'm scared it's a mistake to wait for him to figure it out. We were happy once ( with intermittent emotional outbursts on his part) so I think we could be again if we both wanted to be.
I almost expect him to come back as that's been previous behavior but I'm scared I'll allow it and scared I won't and that either would be a mistake.
I don't even know what I'm asking other than for opinions on if I'm doing the right thing holding that boundary, I feel like a month is more than enough time if he really wanted to be with me. Am I being naive giving him the benefit of a doubt with this number ? Is it ok to leave even if it may be mental health related or should I stay and support him instead ? Why am I even wondering all this when he hasn't cared too awful much about my feelings over the last month (but I am)? When does it gets easier not to automatically pick up the phone to call or text them, when does it gets easier in general? Any advice is welcome but please be kind. Thank you and sorry it's lengthy.
@BlueEyedBaby01
Have you considered some joint sessions with a therapist?
i think when we hold back things........ unpacking them and such to other person is not always easy...we fall into a pattern of being who they expect.... changing behavior takes time........ It would be great if you both shared with each other the basic honest truth..... about everything.... it is hard ....also harder to accept the real them as we expect whom they pretended to be. if he has been hiding his true self to others as well i would add more time to your deadline....
i had always just let things go now speaking up telling him all the things i had put up with....... he wants to believe i am making things up or changing preferences to make him look bad... we both get defensive .... me for not being honest all along instead of placating his feeling for years. ..........He is mad as he really had assumed i liked things........ things i grew to detest because i had to fake it for years to save his feelings. So easy to get into a destructive pattern over nothing really....
being defensive about talking to friends ....who cares if male or female and hiding whatever also creates division imo. i have great conversations with 2 male friends they have similar interests and i get my need for intellectual conversations.... because spouse nods like a bobble head and just agrees instead of having a dialogue....... spouse had a friend a female who shared an interest i could not even fake an interest in ....... but people get so upset or assume all friend of opposite sex are a threat or potential affair... this creates a layer of lies and pretending in case someone is jumping to conclusions.
the MORE we hide form someone the harder it is to have any emotional connection with them.
put aside the 22 years .... and look at him for the first time in a long time as ask yourself IF you would date him / do you find him attractive / can you create a connection again...... if you answer NO to any of these just holding on to keep a streak is not worth it........ to be able to tell others this is 23...24 25 etc years....
Thank you for your words. You are right that hiding things is very damaging. My concern with the calls were the major increase in them after he left the home.
You are also correct that if he has been hiding himself it would be very difficult to address that and would take time. I never really set a deadline. I actually ask him after a month away if he could do something to provide some stability for me. Like did he know if he wanted to work on things, could he come home and is have minimal interaction, could he set a date for us to sit and revisit where we both stood. He stated he couldn't do any of those things and honestly it just feels like I'm the one putting in all the effort. Your experience you shared helped to illustrate how that pattern may develop unintentionally.
Right now I can't push past the pain and betrayal (of him not seeming to consider my feelings) to look at him as you suggested. I know we were happy and I would like to be again but a lot of things would have to change...on both parts.
@BlueEyedBaby01
YOU are correct it is never one sided changes would need to be made on both parties.....
Imagine if you will you wanted to reinvent yourself or bring out the real you..... what is easier and faster .... the Uphill battle to convince your long term friends or partner of the NEW you ........ OR talking with people who never knew the person you pretended to be .....so much easier to talk and feel connected to when they do not hold pictures of who you once were or pretended to be.
why can't we see our partners or friends in a new light ......instead of trying to recreate a time when things worked and were easy. He may not know how to help this process. and as women and fixers we want to jump in and solve....
100%. I know that I have a tendency to try to find a resolution quickly and to keep looking until I do find one and I've been trying to work on that.
However while your words are right that it is easier to be yourself with someone who doesn't know the image you were before and where there's not as dire or realistic consequences, that isn't an excuse for poor behavior infidelity or disregarding someone's feelings that you're supposed to love. That's the part that gets me is the potential lying and the disregard of my feelings when I have validated his to the best of my ability.
I am certain that there's some truth to this as he's made a comment to me yesterday about his friend out of state not requiring real interaction and when I ask what that meant he said he isn't coming over to the house my husband is not expected to do anything and they can just talk and be himself.
I'm definitely not trying to argue with you at all and I've even made the comment to him that I don't want to recreate our marriage but I want to build something better and different. Ultimately it just doesn't seem like I'm worth the effort or that he's considering my feelings and I guess that's where I'm struggling so much is not being enough, not being worth his consideration but yet he sends mixed messages.
I have been 100% vulnerable and communicated is openly as possible. I definitely have engaged in some passive aggressive bids for reassurance but when I caught that's what I was doing I've openly took responsibility for that to him and stopped. He has appeared to read way too much into insignificant things for instance he complained that He was the one that was always having to text good night good morning and I love you first instead of me. I explained to him that he left telling me he didn't know if I was worth the effort so I didn't know where I stood and he said he needed space so I was trying to give it to him but he said I should be texting him this things first as well and I should have grabbed him when he tried to leave the house and told him I wouldn't let him go. I will admit I used to cry and beg him to stay and to love me and I can't do that anymore. I've worked really hard to like the person I am and I shouldn't have to beg anyone to love me and I don't want to sacrifice myself respect to try to.
I'm just struggling to make sense of his words and his actions because they don't match. It just seems like if you love me You would be able to be in the same home, that hurting me would hurt you Just like hurting him hurts me. That after a month you would know if you wanted to be with me or not.
I know I'm just looking for way to make it make sense and I'm probably not going to find that. That doesn't make it hurt less though....
@BlueEyedBaby01
I wrote to provide what if possibilities and perhaps looking at a way you have not... I agree there are many things that we think are simple and perhaps they are but they do not seem to work that way. Sometimes we do not see another persons frame of reference on a subject. i is always better when we can try to see that so we can spot the disconnect.
Like if my spouse loved me and respected me he would listen and not repeat the same "mistake" over and over... again....... as it no longer feels like a mistake but willful. Like if he would open up about things before it comes to a heated argument or talk of splitting up ... if they took into consideration both partners have timelines for working things out .... not just works for them. we know what we want and how we see it working but often do not know what they need.
i have lived that struggle of trying to fix something that might not be fixable ... i am the one talking with other people .........i have told him basic chats but have also shared personal things ...... because i needed to get clarity ......so i guess i am sensitive to people IMO making too much out of someone having a confident friend... it has stopped my overthinking and such on the matters because my friend has provided valuable feedback.
I completely understand. I wasn't trying to be defensive, I'm just confused and emotional. You offered valuable perspective.
@BlueEyedBaby01 I'm really sorry you are having to go through all of this. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself and it's not unreasonable for your husband to abide by them no matter what he's been through. His past trauma is not your fault and he has no right to project it onto you. Please don't be afraid to go after what you truly desire because we only have one life and you deserve true happiness and love. I hope this helps.
P.S. - Sometimes mixed signals are the most obvious. 💜
Thank you and my gut tells me the mixed signals and inability /unwillingness are his way of not saying it outright but that he knows what he wants. I just have to accept it. On a good note I made it through the day without texting (other than responding ty you too to his have a good day text early. ð©µ
@BlueEyedBaby01 I've been through a divorce and it's very difficult at first, but then it gets better beyond what I ever thought it could be. It just takes time. But during that time, I learned a lot of things about myself along the way. I wouldn't give that time back for anything. It was a very healing time. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely scared to start over, but it was so worth it. Whether you decide on divorce or not, just make sure you are doing the right thing for yourself. Anyway, I'll stop babbling lol.
so sorry to hear that ♥️ sending you prayers
Sending love
Wow, I am able to relate to this situation so much. My husband has left for communication breakdown issues and is pushing financial separation but also telling me he still loves me etc.
I 100% want to work it through, he thinks it can’t be done. ‘Thinks’?! Or does he not want to and cannot bring himself to say it?
please know, that as difficult as it is, we are all doing our best and what ever decisions you do or don’t make are the best you are capable of at that moment. There is no right or wrong decision. What you have to ask yourself is, what can you live with?
can you live with not relenting on your boundaries and following through with a divorce? Are you totally done?
if not, you have to ask yourself how you’d feel if you progress to divorce now? Would you always wonder what if? Or not?
there are many of us feeling just the same hurt and confusion as you right now. You are not alone
@BlueEyedBaby01
I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through. It's incredibly tough to navigate such a challenging situation, especially after investing so much time and emotion into a long-term relationship. Your feelings of vulnerability, fear, and uncertainty are completely valid.
It sounds like you've been incredibly patient and understanding, trying to communicate openly and setting necessary boundaries. That's commendable. It's also understandable that you're questioning whether to continue waiting or to prioritize your own well-being.
Bringing up the idea of couple's therapy or open conversation could be beneficial if he's willing to engage in it sincerely. It might provide a safe space to address underlying issues and explore potential paths forward. However, ultimately, his willingness to commit to the relationship and work on himself is key.
Remember, taking care of yourself emotionally is paramount. If staying in the current situation becomes detrimental to your well-being, it's important to prioritize your own health and happiness.
Please don't hesitate to reach out to me or any available listeners here whenever you want. We are here to listen and support you. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to take the time you need to heal and find clarity.
@BlueEyedBaby01
You are considering your options and you would like to have some certainty around what is it that your husband wants right now
@BlueEyedBaby01 Of course you're doing the right thing in holding to your boundary. I don't believe holding one's boundaries are ever wrong...there may be an exception to that, but so far I haven't seen one.
Also, let's just cut to the chase here: the guy is not worth it. If he was, your marriage would not be anything like it is. In all of your rumination & attempts to get through to him, you seem to have lost sight of the obvious.
Get the divorce & take what property you can get from him, then move on.
I'm going to pray for you because you are in an awful predicament. I hate divorce, it ruins lives, but.... In the meantime, while you are not sure what is going to happen, you need to take care of you. My advice is to get your own bank account, and start having your paychecks go there. I've seen too many women in this in-between time end up broke because their husband took all the money and spent it, and then the wife is left with all the bills. Also, if you aren't seeing a therapist or pastor, get one. You need support. You need help with setting and sticking to your boundaries. One month might not be long enough for your husband. It might be six months or a year before he comes around, if he does, but you need to build your strength. And if he's willing to do couples counseling, do it. I would fight to keep the marriage, but I would also prepare for the worst. Either way, you are valuable, even if your husband is blind to it. Sending prayers your way!
@BlueEyedBaby01 if you need to vent some more or just need a one on one convo, feel free to message (: