Mid 30s, feeling hopeless
I feel absolutely heartbroken and don’t know how to move forward or how to keep living. I feel deep frustration and disappointment in men. I don’t want to hate men, and I don’t want to generalize all men, but I’m so hurt. I feel that I can’t trust them anymore. The latest examples of men I’ve encountered—have shown me that they are not capable of proper commitment.
I don’t know how to live in a world where commitment is such a big issue, where all they want is an easy relationship—or none at all—with no names, no labels. They want the services of a girlfriend or wife; they want to be loved, to have sex, to share all the activities that define a proper couple. But they cannot secure you. They cannot make you feel safe. They don’t follow through on their word, and that frustrates me so much.
I’ve spent so much valuable time with someone who claimed to have deep feelings for me, someone who knew that I am a family-oriented person in my mid-30s. Everything would go well—we built experiences together, created a strong connection—until the moment I asked if we were on the same page. Then I would hear: “I like you so much. You’re so dear to me. You’re so important to me. I’ve become a better person with you…but I’m not ready to commit.”
I know it’s my mistake for letting this happen, but honestly, I don’t know where to find people who are capable of commitment. It has become so easy and accessible for so many people to have sex. There are so many dating apps, so many options, that this endless hunt for someone “better” has become a soul-*** machine.
What is wrong with this world?
I don’t blame men who feel fear—we all experience it to a certain extent. But when did it become normal to let fear dictate our actions? When did fear become a sign that something is wrong just because it feels scary? (And no, I’m not talking about life-threatening situations.)
What happened to morals? To self-discipline? To loyalty and faith? What happened to finding your way together, even when it’s hard? If someone is dear to us, how can it possibly be easier to leave? Why has it become normal to say one thing one day and change it the next, covering it up with excuses like, “My therapist says it’s okay to change my mind if it feels right.” How can we trust words anymore?
I guess all I’m doing right now is throwing a letter of desperation into the void of the internet, hoping someone will hear it. Hoping that someone, somewhere, will realize the importance of staying true to their beloved ones and not let fear fuel the pandemic of commitment issues.
@SonyaSleep I understand how you feel
Hey, I feel exactly the same. Well I’ve never been in a relationship before but I have (had? Still not sure) a guy friend and we were good friends. He told me that he wanted to be friends that it was fun and all. Then he just ghosts me. He talks to every girl and guy but me, he avoids me and if we see each other in the halls he just looks away and never says hi. He also tells me if I wanna talk I can find him but why can’t we both find each other?
You’re so right about men not being able to commit. I mean sometimes I’m like “what the heck? I mean everything’s going well so why…..?”
I'm so sorry you’re going through this too. I mean it’s probably so much harder in a romantic relationship than just a small friendship one. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion you must feel. But I do hope it’ll get better for you. And the trust part….I’m in the same boat I don’t know if I can trust again. But let’s keep trying!
You totally got this!!
@SonyaSleep. You will gather more inside as you age and at 50 you will see these relationships mean a lot less and you quit caring about what others do and say. You've always got you.
@SonyaSleep girl I wish to hug 🫂 you and cry with you until you calm down 🫂🫂🫂🫂.
You deserve the best in the whole world. You deserve everything you desire. Your pain is too deep but you have still articulated it all so well with dignity towards the males. What an amazing human you are!!!
If I were a MAN who was so secure about himself, who is so happy with himself, who doesn't need extra sources to fill the void in his heart, who knows the void is waiting to be filled by every person by themselves, who knows ultimate truth in life is to depend on self and everything else is added bonus, who understands humans aren't supposed to be perfect so he accepts his imperfections and is content with what he has, who has such peace with himself that he only has love, love and love to give, who doesn't wait for external source to love but is already full with his own self, id definitely DM you immediately!
But you are so wise to say that it's actually our fault to trust. I get it sister 🫂 🫂 🫂. But we are humans, we want to be pampered, loved, cared for, asked about our day!!! I get it.
All i can say is, let's keep wishing for companionship but meanwhile let's just be fine with ourselves, safe side 🫂❤️
Please do ping me whenever you wish to. I'm here to talk anything and everything with you ❤️. I'll respond at the earliest possible 🫂 🤗
@SonyaSleep hmmm
I'm in your position. And as a man, ready to commit.. I find the opposite. But I still think women are greater than men.
@SonyaSleep I too am in my 30s and going through similar situation. I've met terrible men. Please know you're not alone in feeling this. I truly think the world is heading in a direction where women are being treated poorly by men. It's truly truly difficult to find a right man these days.
Yet I see men and women in happy relationships as well- so maybe good things exist and it's not just happened for us yet.
Either way - please be patient and don't think of yourself as any less regardless of whether you get a good man or not.
@SonyaSleep
Hello Sonya,
I'm very sorry for what you are going through and the past experiences let you down. I am also in my mid 30's and feel hopeless at times. I know the type of men you are referring to, however you should know that they are all not like that. I know this for a fact, because I am one. I've also learned that I have severe codependency issues. I over commit to relationships. All I've ever wanted was to find a partner to commit to, however I've discovered fundamental issues with myself that led to some of these toxic relationships. I know me saying this may not help you, however I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
What if it happened to men too ?, Lol. I would say this as fate or design of life ?
It happened to me twice and in different way and still going through this. What a pathetic life, Lol
It would happen to all of the committed people , no matter what is the gender. Having hope sometimes feel like hopeless. Try to keep moving 🤝
@SonyaSleep I think your comments are very wise. Being over 60 and therefore more experienced by age and what I've lived, I can say you this — Keep looking until you find the one you deserve, and never think it's your fault, because it isn't!