Need some advice.
Let me first apologize for the long post, but I'm struggling. My husband and I have been together for just about 19 years, we got together when I was 19, and I'm now 38, so we've been together half our lives, and we have 3 kids ranging in age from 6-17. We've had plenty of ups and downs like any relationship, but I'm afraid that we may be in a down with no way of coming back up together. I'll admit, as much as I hate to admit it, he physically abused me for a while. I'm talking pushing me into walls, dragging me by my hair, punching and kicking me. It was not a constant thing, but it did go on for a few years. As much as people don't think it's possible, he did change his ways and has not done anything like that since. Emotional abuse, that's another story, that has continued our entire relationship. He likes to blame me for things I have nothing to do with, and criticizes me with the things I do do. We had a huge fight probably about 6 months ago due to the stresses he has at work, the expenses of renovating our old house that tenants completely destroyed, and him realizing we had more credit card debt than he realized and he flat out said "i don't love you". He accused me of running up a credit card he claims to have not known about, meanwhile we did have a talk about using it for our cell phone bill because they offered insurance for the phones when you pay your bill with it, and we used it for a couple vacations and what not. Now I won't say I didn't spend more than I should have, because yes, I did frivolously spend for a short time (we are talking maybe at most a few thousand on things we didnt really need), and I have seen the errors of my ways and have taken responsibility for it, apologized and have started selling my craft items that I was casually making to help pay off the debt. I've made a little over a thousand dollars since Christmas, which I know is not a lot, but I also am participating in more craft shows to continue to make more money. See about 8 years ago he insisted I leave my job because we wanted to have a 3rd child and he was making plenty of money at his job where he thought it was best I leave to be a stay at home mom. I can't say I was happy about it at the time, I enjoyed working, and having time away from the house, but I did quit because that was what seemed like was best and what he wanted. I remember telling him multiple times that I would only quit if he assured me it would never come back on me and blame me for not working. Well, he has been insisting that I need to get a job and pay off all the debt myself. Now that wouldn't be an issue except for the kids, their needs, and activities. My husband works different shifts every week, one week it's 11pm-7am, the next 7am-3pm, and then 3pm-11pm, and he does double a lot both volunteering to and by being forced, so on any given day, there's no guarantee he will be home at a certain time. The only family we have close by is my mother-in-law who runs her own restaurant- where she does everything, no other employees so she can't drop everything and help out with the kids whenever. I don't see how we could swing me getting a job other than my crafting or a work from home that would allow for a certainty of someone being there for the kids, and all he will say is get a job and we'll figure it out. I'm sorry but I think we need a game plan first, and again with his changing work schedule, it would be hard to find a sitter on an as needed drop of the hat type situation, not to mention having to pay for someone would just take money away. Our middle child also has a history of leukemia- been in remission and off treatment for 3 years, but it still scares me especially since he is injury prone and just started playing football (since being off treatment we've had to make a few ER trips for him busting his head open while playing football resulting in 9 stitches and last year he tripped and put his elbow through the glass of our back yard door resulting in 36 stitches), our youngest is currently going through breathing issues that we are in the works of figuring out and is starting soccer next week which obviously will bring more challenges with his breathing issues, and our oldest will be a senior in high school next year and is in the process of figuring out colleges, so they all have their things that they need help with.
Anyway, moving on, hes found comfort in talking to 2 women via *** that I know of. He originally claimed he was talking to co-workers because I had confronted him about being all consumed by his phone lately, to the point he wouldn't put it down while driving and completely ignoring me or the kids when we tried to talk to him. Well, one night laying in bed, I saw the phone screen and noticed these aren't co-workers at all because he works with all men. So right or wrong, I read what was on the screen and I saw he was pretending to be someone he's not, claiming he's in the army and chatting them up. Well I confronted him and he called me crazy and denied but I pushed, and he finally admitted to having found someone on the game he plays on his phone that he likes talking to about things that bother him - mainly me- and that this person makes him happy. I felt completely betrayed and I felt like this is emotional cheating. He is prioritizing other people, lied about it, and admitted to liking talking to some other person when he won't talk to me. I asked him straight out if it's strictly friendship or if there is more going on, and he claims friendship only, but refuses to show me the messages. Now I have caught more glimpses of the conversations and there is flirty banter, sexual banter, and just general concern for how they are feeling. Obviously I don't know the full extent, but what I do know is he hardly talks to me, when he does it's usually with distain, and if he's on his phone talking to them, well I might as well not even try to get his attention because most the time I'm ignored. I also asked him straight up if he loves me because last I heard from him about love is "I don't love you", and he would only say "not now I don't, I can't right now after what you've done", once again accusing me of all the debt. I've told him love doesn't work that way, and that I've always loved him even with everything we've been through.
I don't know, I guess if you actually made it to the end of my rant, I guess I could just use some insight on any of it, because I just feel so alone, betrayed, exhausted from trying to hide my hurt from the kids and I don't want to confide in people in real life because I don't want anyone thinking bad of my husband. Thanks ahead of time.
We are kind of similar. I’ve been with my husband since I was 21, I am 40 now. We have 2 kids, one who is non verbal autistic. I’m a stay at home mom. I discovered my husbands emotional affair a year and half ago. I love my husband and the life we built. He’s a good dad. But it destroyed me in so many ways. I thought I was stronger than I was, I thought he respected me more than he did. I was living in a bubble and not reality.
I am sorry you’re dealing with it. No advice, just solidarity. I’m here if you need an ear.
If there is abuse (even if just emotional abuse), then that may be a valid reason to divorce. If he is completely ignoring you and even focusing on other relationships, maybe that's the excuse you need to get it started. It may be hard, so I can't say it's going to be easy for you, but you could come out happier on the other side. A hostile environmnt is also not good for kids.
On the other hand, you may want to start by asking him to do counseling. If he refuses for that, consider the option of separation.
It's a tough situation. Whatever you choose, don't judge yourself. I know you are doing your best in a tough spot.
@intelligentKitten412 oh my god, sorry to say but he is a very very very cruel husband. How can he raise his fist on a woman? Like how can a normal, decent human commit such crimes? It's disgusting and unforgivable, why did you let it go? It's serious abuse. Add to this the emotional trauma he is inflicting on you. My God, how do women continue to put up with these, frankly speaking, criminals? I wouldn't have tolerated any physical abuse if I were in your place, it's a serious crime, please don't downplay it. And your emotional agony is also heartbreaking. He is a horrible human, I have no words. Unbelievable abuser. Hope you will either start couples therapy or simply get a divorce. This criminal is not worth all this, I am speechless with shock. So sorry for you.
Abuse is like quicksand, you keep on falling and sinking, not even realising at times how deep you're in or how far you have come. Living with a person for majority of your life, being around him, having kids it all makes everything complicated. I can tell you to leave him, but it's not easy, I know it isn't, when you come so long into your marriage your entire life dedicated to one man leaving is never easy, sometimes we feel like leaving but then the good moments make it seem like it's not worth it. I know the pain, exhaustion, hurt, betrayal, anger you must be carrying. There are a lot of colourful words I can use to describe your husband but essentially he lacks the basics: loyalty, understanding, responsibility, empathy. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you. Well all I can tell you is action speaks louder than words, life is short, one brave step can change your life and the more you ignore what was right in front of you the more it'll hurt later.
feel free to text me anytime if you ever would like to connect 💫
@intelligentKitten412 Hey. Thank you for sharing. Thank you so much for being brave and opening up about your situation, as it seems very intense for you. I think this situation is complex and you can do the best you can to pay off your debt, whilst taking care of your own mental health. Continue to come to these sessions, do what's right for your, and also consider seeing a psychology/psychiatrist as they can give you beneficial advice that will help you improve your mental health. Everything is going to be okay and have faith things will solve themselves out.
@intelligentKitten412 Hey. Thank you so much for sharing. I think you should do the best you can to continue paying off credit card debit, whilst prioritizing self care to take care of your mental health. This situation seems complex and you really can do the best for yourself as well as your goals. Everything will be okay, best of luck.
Thank you to everyone for your advice. While i know it's not what most want to hear or think is right, I have to follow my heart, and thats to try to make it work with my husband. Over the past couple days we've had some pretty honest conversations and while there is a ton to work to do i am seeing a little bit of hope for us. He has promised to TRY to do better with his emotional abuse, and trying is all I can ask him to do, I don't want false promises. And let me reiterate, the physical abuse stopped many years ago. Also if I ever felt the kids were not in a good environment, I would leave in a second regardless of how hard it would be and how much it would hurt - their wellbeing comes first. The emotional cheating, well that's going to take some time, he said he developed feelings for a person he's talking to because they seem to understand him and what he's going through so he does enjoy talking to them. He assured me that the likelihood that they would ever meet is essentially zero, and I explained while that's good to know, I'm still hurt because he has feelings for someone other than me and who says that he won't find someone 5 minutes down the street that understands him too. He assured me he didn't go looking for this person, they bonded over similar experiences, and hes not looking for others to talk to. He also did offer to stop communication with them if that's what I want and I told him that while it hurts me to say it I would rather he continue to talk to them if it helps him work through things as long as he's open and honest with everyone involved and considerate of me and our marriage in his conversations, and that I would just have to work on trusting him.
I know the majority of you see him as a horrible person, and yes, he has done things that I shouldn't have forgiven him for, but he has to live with knowing what he has done, and I know it bothers him. He has a lot of work left to do on himself, just like I do, like everyone does, and while I know there's a chance we won't make it to the otherside of this, I can't give up on it before trying everything possible. So for now I'm focusing on what I need to do to be the best version of me, hes taking little steps to be a better version of him, and together we are taking baby steps on being the best version of us - starting with short bursts of honest communication and little signs of affection like a hug or a kiss or a simple how are you.
@intelligentKitten412
Sounds like you have a mature approach to this and I'm glad there has been some good communication with you. I hope you have felt supported here, and feel free to keep updating us here if that can be helpful. Also remember that there are good listeners here who can be a listening ear when you need it.
Sometimes, love isn't enough to keep two people together. You have to have the same values. Just because you spent 30 years doing something, doesn't mean you have to continue the next 30 years doing something you hate. If this relationship is harming you, I would seriously consider separation. Please seek out a licensed therapist to help you through this.
God bless.
@intelligentKitten412
Sorry to read your story. I can relate to many aspects of it.
I discovered a website called outofthefog.net at about 19 year of marriage and am at almost 40 now. There is a toolbox on that site that had some very useful helps for me. There is also a 100 traits list that is sort of like a list of types of abuse both subtle and not subtle. It was useful for me to take it and mark which ones I do and which ones he does and whether it's habitual or not and whether it's in response to abuse or not.
I resolved to fix my share of them so I would know I had done all I could.
My H eventually sought psychiatric help and went on meds that helped some of what we were dealing with. I figured I would divorce once the kids were grown but he is quite a bit older and now has dementia. I am sort of stuck because being an at home mom means I paid little into social security. I don't have enough years left to beef it up.
I hope you find the clarity you need to decide next moves. I would recommend you take steps to protect yourself financially. Lock down your credit lines with a service like lifelock or such. This way he cannot start new credit lines in your name to support his new interests.
Also make sure there is money coming in for all the supposed overtime, and watch for signs money is being sent to others.
It's tough when you have kids, but be careful. It sounds like you have been severely devalued. He has moved on and might view you as an anchor holding him back. This could be dangerous especially since he has been physically abusive before.
