No Where Near Ready for Marriage.
I've been single for 12 years after suffering a lot of trauma, I'm also very shy and if things weren't already complicated enough, I also have a avoidant attachment style.
Theres a guy I'm into that I want to move forwards with but the more I want to and the more I try, the more I realise I'm just not ready for marriage.
At the same time marriage is all that I want and I have no idea how to bridge the disparity.
Does anyone know what steps are needed to start feeling ready for marriage?
@Sasher
What is ready for marriage ?
I doubt most people feel that or are ready .......simply put each marriage is different how would one prepare for the unknown....?
if you are not sure this person is the one you want to start this adventure called marriage with that is one thing but for marriage itself i do not believe you can prepare yourself.
People change and things often do not go as planned... you just have to share the ride with a person who can hopefully help you make the most out of it.
@toughTiger6481 not really sure how to explain it but when I think of being with someone, Im happy to imagine my head lay on someone's chest but a life long commitment is something I can't imagine or feel ready for even though that's what I want.
@Sasher
That is my point you cannot imagine or see it clearly .......because joining two hearts and minds often does not look like a romantic comedy. It is hard to imagine the future as too many variables.
maybe your hesitance is a self protection mode to not rush into anything.
@toughTiger6481 maybe
@Sasher
Hi, Sash!
In my city, young people start by going on short trips together. First a weekend, then a week, and so on. Later, whole vacations.
Then they go live in each other's place for a few days, then a week, a couple of weeks...
Coming back to their place each time.
Then they might go to live together, tentatively at first.
To see how it feels.
For a month. Three months...
Eventually, they stay living together and make long-term arrangements for this.
Few people get married here these days.
Couples live together, have children, etc. without marriage.
The law equates these situations to marriages. Both give the same mutual rights and obligations under the law.
So it's not a single once-and-for-all decision, but a gradual process, that might get slowed down or reverted at any point.
@healingTalk Hiya and thanks, I hear you and I guess gradual exposure could do work.
My mum does want me to live with someone first but I'm religious so wouldn't want to jepordise my chastity like that.
I don't mean marriage in the sense of the white wedding and it being legally binding.. I'd be happy with a religious ceremony that isn't bound by a law system.. But I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't a forever one. I know to a degree one may never be able to know for sure, but being with one person for the rest of my life is what I want. I just get super scared (even from just expressing thats what I really want here to you, now).
@Sasher
I now understand. I am not religious, but I know a bit about religious norms and practices regarding marriage, from one on one chats here.
The one I know best is the Catholic one because there is a strong Catholic following here (even the Pope is from my city!), and I have dated Catholic girls.
For really observant Catholics, marriage is part of their religious life.
Many of them fall deeply in love, jump into the marriage pool without hesitation, and might have extremely happy marriages, while always following the Catholic norms.
Others experience a kind of cultural clash between the current secular high standards and expectations for happiness and women's roles on one part, and their religious norms on the other, which limit previous knowledge and make marriage a decision for life, so they become hesitant and feel internal conflicts about committing to marriage.
In my great-grandparent's generation (and for generations earlier), women just married with no expectations whatsoever, so the marriages couldn't really "fail". They would not expect to be "happy" but just comply with their duties as wives.
Previous knowledge of each other was extremely limited, dating as we know it, nonexistent. At some age, a suitable husband was chosen following the kind of criteria depicted in Jane Austen's novels, and then, they got married.
Maybe it's about finding a middle point between these paradigms, both in previous knowledge and in adjusting expectations, while staying within your own rules of conduct.
For example, spending many days together from breakfast to dinner, or going on trips and vacations sleeping in separate rooms. Finding creative ways to know each other going through real-life situations, while keeping within your chosen rules.
I wish you to be happy.
Marcelo.
@HealingTalk yeah, im sure there's ways of kindling a relationship further and getting to know someone better without sleeping together. I think it's more to do with something needing to settle within myself.
@Sasher
Yes!
Also "gradual exposure" as you said, is the standard effective treatment for all aversions, phobias, social anxiety, etc. Those have interrelated dimensions, and you can intervene first in the easiest to improve the others.
Like in the CBT "triangle". It's hard to change directly emotions, but you might change behaviors, which might in turn change emotions as in the example of "gradual exposure" in phobias (no reasoning or trying to feel that tiny spiders are harmful will work). But doing things that expose you gradually to what you fear might change that feeling little by little. So you end up not so scared of them.
Anyway, I wish you can do whatever it takes to fulfill your dreams!
@HealingTalk I'm sure I can. I have overcome other things in the past - that at the time felt so overwhelming and all-consuming - but that became second nature.
I'm just going through the thick of thinhs right now. They are unbelievably difficult but I recognize that it's part of the process to overcome what I need to overcome.
Maybe marriage might be a project for the near future, not something to do right now, in the middle of a hurricane.
When you have dealt with the current situation, things will fall into place, and you will be ready for marriage, or any life project, naturally, I think.
I wish you that things get well soon, so you feel at peace, and you can organize your life the way you wish,
@HealingTalk what I mean by 'going through the thick of things' right now and things being 'unbelievably difficult' is:- about 2/3 years ago I couldn't even stand in close proximity to any other human being, as it would set off my symptoms of cptsd and paraniod schizophrenia. The symptoms would be so disturbing I physically couldn't cope being closer that 2 metres to someone. Things are no longer that bad and I'm no longer that sensitive. I can attend yoga classes etc without freaking out internally if someone steps near to me.
Before my whole life was designed around avoiding people because of how it would make me feel.
There are times, say if a man lays his mat near mine in yoga, that I start to freak out inside, but I'm okay for the most part.
I started to attend the gym 3 years ago and was constantly suicidal and developed severe insomnia because the environment was so unpredictable, men would approach me out of nowhere, I couldn't cope with what I was experiencing on an internal level.
I'm fine at the gym for the most part now. It's still extremely challenging but I can chat to people and it doesn't freak me out how it used to. So I overcame a lot even though at the time it was unbearable.
Currently it's unbearable talking to the guy that I like and it's sending me into an unbearable state. I know how bad things are right now but know that this too will pass and that in the future I'll be able to talk to him or others that I like, without suffering so much.
Talking to someone we like is very challenging for most of us, because the stakes are high.
We have a goal, so we can lose something value much.
The more interested we are, the more is at stake, and the more challenging it becomes to talk to them.
We fear blundering and losing the possibility forever.
It is very challenging for most of us.
I made a drawing to explain myself.
You keep moving forward nonstop.
Things are "unbelievably difficult" in terms of the high standards and ambitious goals you have set for yourself, like marriage, coming from a baseline of total aversion to people for most of your life.
You challenge hard yourself to get there.
I admire that a lot.
The mere fact that you can conceive, desire and set as a goal marriage, that is, living with a man in continuous interaction and physical contact, is a huge measure of progress, I think.
Maybe seen from the inside the glass seems half empty.
You have achieved a huge lot in these last couple of years. This is extraordinary. That rate of progress I have never heard of.
You revealed such a capacity to improve that I am certain you will get there.
In the meanwhile, appreciate your great achievements and be kind and patient with yourself.
I already admired your wisdom and kindness.
I hope you can see this greatness in yourself.
@HealingTalk thank you.
Some things you have said did resonate deeply. I definitely feel like the glass has only a sip of water left XD never mind half full!
Some of what you said is eye-opening and thank you for being passionate in helping me believe in myself.
There's definitely things for me to find strength in here. Thank you
You are welcome!
I am just a mirror. I try to reflect back an accurate image, so it might be useful. I am glad that you spotted some helpful facts in what I said.
You have much, much strength. You wouldn't have come so far in such a short time otherwise. Your great strength will continue to serve you well now and in the future.
And yes, I badly wish you to be happy and succeed in your goals. If you noticed that, you are right 😀
I wish you all the best in your life.
Stay awesome, Sash!
I hope to see you around here soon.
Marcelo.
@HealingTalk thank you, Marcelo 🙏
@Sasher
it will be truly introspect what you are looking for when being in a committed relationship with someone. And unlike just a simple relationship, a marriage has a ton of complexity that comes into it. Because a broken marriage causes A LOT more damage than a broken relationship would
I would disagree that a marriage is unknown, because you go into it with a bunch of expectations that you know will be and will NOT be met.
It is not a sacrifice of one's life and one's goals.
People may claim against it, but I will stand by it because that is my experience being a married man. It is about being with someone who understands your past, understands where you come from, understands where you want to be, supports you to where you want to go. If this person supports you in that way, he will equally also, demand the same thing back as well. Getting that dynamic right, understanding that dynamic from the get go, is what you need to first.
And trust me, whatever people will say, a lifetime is not enough to know people in and out. and the more you keep questioning it, the more it creates a seed of doubt, and if you are not committed to a marriage, you are never going to incline yourself to truly trust that person, trust the process, trust the process, and trust the relationship
@IamtheBat the introspective part is what I'm struggling with. I just don't understand how I could want something so much but at the same time when my body is being honest with me, when I imagine where I'm really at right now, I can't settle or lean into the full commitment of marriage.
Although it's a different dynamic, I've learnt a lot about what makes relationships work from raising my son and from all the reading and research that I've done over the years. But when it comes down to it I have no idea whether a person is going to stay faithful and whether they're going to give the same healthy ingredients to the relationship for life.
I find myself finding confidence to invite a guy that I'm not interested in to a yoga class because it feels good (but all that will happen is it will send out the wrong message), and having no confidence to invite the guy I'm interested in because it makes me feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die with having him near to me.
🤷🏼♀️
When I think about it I used to feel like I was going to shrivel up and die with having anyone around me and now I'm more comfortable with most people.
I guess the next step is to keep trying until I'm comfortable being around people that I'm attracted to.
Bless you @Sasher …
If you don’t feel ready for marriage, it’s ok to be honest with him about that. Besides, some of the best relationships and marriages start off as friendships. I encourage you to enjoy the process of getting to know him and grow together free of expectations. Your heart and gut will inform you along the way.
I hope this helps… ❤️❤️
@LovingPeacefulHeart thank you ❤️ easy to say but neither of us can bear to see each other hanging out with the opposite sex - I guess I just have to take one day at a time.
@Sasher that’s right- one day at a time. That’s all we have. Building trust and patience also takes time.
@LovingPeacefulHeart thank you Peaceful Heart 🙏
I think you'll need to identify why exactly you don't feel like you're ready first. If it's because of your past trauma still and you've been working through that trauma, then you may just need to be patient with yourself. You mentioned that you were single for 12 years and sounds like dating is already a big step for you. Just try to be kind/patient with yourself.
@Nanza I think that's partly what I hoped to achieve from this post and it is likely the trauma - although there's no conscious connection for me right now to be able to link it back to trauma.
@Nanza I think it's trust issues
@Sasher
Hi, Sasher,
From reading one of your comments, I admire your confidence in admitting your religiousity and protecting your chastity because some people judge others for that. I praise God for your confidence.
I don’t know your religion for sure, but as for your marriage question, I find that it truly is a leap of faith, lol. Ask God and trust Him. He may be working in you to prepare you for marriage if that’s His plan for your life. (Also, He knows your person of interest inside and out because He made him. He also knows your personality and experiences.)
I married religiously. I wanted divorce the first week, lol. We’ve been married now for more than 5 years, and hopefully, for many more.
@politePeach9642 definitely, people often look down on it or misunderstand.
I'm interested to know your story, how you kindled things and why you wanted to divorce after a week in?
Thank you for the reminder of how well he knows us. I definitely need to strengthen my trust in him but I guess this is all part of the process.
@Sasher
To God be the glory:
Before my husband and I ever got official as a couple, we laid down the expectation of keeping God as the foundation of our relationship. I still don’t fully know what that means to this day, but we know back then to wait til marriage. (Possible TW: I’m not proud to say that we almost went all the way. We were young and dumb and did other things that I thought weren’t sins back then. I still felt convicted, so we stopped doing those things.)
So, during some odd years of dating once a week and talking on the phone almost every night (I guess that’s partly how we kindled the relationship, through emotional connection), I didn’t know what it was going to be like living with him. So after we got married, I found out how much his poop stinks 😵 😷 It literally made me want to get a divorce at that time 😂 I have to make sure he sprays during and not just after 😂
So, that answers at least one of your questions, lol. I would like to leave you with something to think about: not all stories will be the same, of course. There are others who marry after just meeting someone, and they’re married for years. God already knows your story. It may be one that you’ll share with others someday.
@politePeach9642 God being the foundation of the relationship means that the ways in which you treat each other and the decisions you make together are based around what God wants and values. So being patient, kind and fair with each other for example and making fair decisions together to live well and treat others well. To protect and guide each other away from things that God doesn't like, like greed and lying etc.
@Sasher
I love your definition! Can I save it on my phone as a daily reminder?
@politePeach9642 sure ☺️ - in addition to encourage good in each other 🤍
@politePeach9642 yeah I hear you. You were young and unaware. We've all been there. Ah, so the reality of living with another human set in! I'm glad you guys overcame that and are still together :)
@politePeach9642 "I would like to leave you with something to think about: not all stories will be the same, of course. There are others who marry after just meeting someone, and they’re married for years. God already knows your story. It may be one that you’ll share with others someday."
Thank you 🙏
How about starting off as being common-laws? I know many couples, who never got married, but live together, and still call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. But, are already like a married couple, except without kids. I have one colleague who has lived with her boyfriend for more than 12 years, never got married. Another colleague has been with her boyfriend for 5 years now, she calls him her Honey.
So, try living together first, sometimes, marriage isn't always the last stage in a stable relationship. At least, from what I see with the people around me.
I'm also someone who's been single for the past 18 going on 19 years, as a shy person, and someone who doesn't like to use makeup or dress up.. I had no chances to meet a significant other. Like you, I've also gone through some traumas, where I tend to avoid men with certain facial features, and I don't like crowded places. But at the same time, I've always imagined myself to be married too. It's very contradictory.
@Sasher
@Jaeteuk I hear you and sorry you're going through that. I hope you find what you need/want in life. I see marriage as the beginning of a commitment 'I am fully committing to you through thick and thin' I'm just feeling insecure.
I just wanted to share and let you know that what you're going through is something I can really relate to. When I was young all I wanted was to be a husband and a Dad. Now that im actually in a relationship, marriage seems very scary. I don't feel ready. It's weird because when I was single I always dreamed of being married, not being a boyfriend. Being in a relationship like this always seemed like a stepping stone to marriage. That's what I thought I wanted.
But I've learned that probably won't work for me. I need more time. And I've learned what I need from my partner. It's stressful being so unsure. I'd encourage you to explore relationship without the expectation of marriage. Learn what things you need from a partner. And what things you can offer. What my experience has taught me is that when I was single I had no clue what I needed or wanted. But learning that has given me a lot of knowledge about myself and that has been empowering.
But it's also been painful. It's been really hard sometimes. When needs aren't met, when I feel unnoticed. When I pour out my heart and it isn't seen how I hoped it would be. It's really hard. But, I also learned it's necessary and the way it needs to be. I know that's maybe not an encouraging message. But I hope it helps you know that you're not alone in that fear.
@Nick9419 please be creative in trying to engage your partner to hear the depths of who you are. It's so important that she hears and connects with that 🙏
@Sasher
I never thought I’d be ready for marriage as my finances were not good and I had other things going on.
I recently got married and what I’ve realised is that once you get married , god opens doors and so much blessings come from marriage. Alhamdulilah (praise be to god) for everything.
of course if one feels marriage is a no go because they have too much going on they can just wait it out it really depends on their situation.
@lifeisnotagame7 that's beautiful.
I want marriage. I'm just not there yet. Pray for me that I find my readiness please.
Prayers for you too 🤲
Traditionally the guys will propose if they think you are the right person for them. If he hasn’t, maybe he is assessing the relationship is not ready for such a commitment. When he proposes, then you can decide if you are ready or not. To be prepared for marriage, both parties should feel genuinely and happily engaged in such a commitment.
@Wrehn I mean in general. I want marriage but I'm just not ready (for marriage with anyone because of my own fears and insecurities).
I've been dating for marriage for year's (meeting people from apps) but never get past the second date before I find an excuse to leave.
