Divorce sucks

No advice, really, but I can relate to you. I have had very similar struggles. My work has kind of been my solace but over the past couple of years I have (albeit not alone) managed to mess that up, too. It is fortunately for me, damaged but not destroyed. Alcohol is a nasty thing to deal with. People do get fed up with it and I am sure it is exhausting. I have struggled the past several years to maintain sobriety, and I have screwed up quite a few times, although luckily I have still been sober the vast majority of the time (between my screw ups). I do try, and sometimes find myself wishing I could find someone who could deal with it. I think “if only I had this (stable relationship), I could conquer the world.” I have no idea If that is really true or not. All I know is that I was sober when I had a truly stable relationship, and when that ended, I drank after 8 years of sobriety. That was 8 years ago and I continue to struggle with it, from time to time, and can end up screwing things up pretty royally when I’m hammered.

i am also a fiercely loyal person who objectively did a heck of a lot of good in the 2 relationships I have had in the past 8 years since I’ve been struggling, but I have (I suppose) had a tendency to pick people who weren’t in it for the long haul. I feel like the older I get (which, I’m not old—I’m 39) the less likely it becomes that I will come across a person who IS it for the long haul, and I just fall in love without my brain being involved.

i know what you mean about family. I have had family—I had stepsons that I raised (who are now adults) who I consider my sons, but I miss having that on a daily basis. I miss stupid stuff like Christmas stockings and art projects and football practice, even though I pretty much always hated football practice at the time.

i wish I had some advice, I suppose that would imply wisdom and I don’t feel wise at all right now, just alone and kind of hopeless, and kind of pathetic for feeling that way. If anything, I would say do the best you can on any given day, to face the day to the extent that you can, and engage in anything that makes you feel happy and whole. I am trying to do that, but this time it’s just a little too raw, I isolated myself and for the first time in my life, I don’t really have much of a support system. One thing that is really hard for me, which is probably why I’m here, is that part—leaning on people. I know I need connection, but I have kind of ignored my connections for too long and now even the people I am closest to feel unapproachable about this. Feeling hopeless and alone when a relationship ends can be a little relentless, especially when being around other people in some ways makes you feel more alone. I hope it gets better for both of us, sooner rather than later.

@nutmeg82 Thank you for your response, I've been struggling with random thaughts all day. I had to talk to my wife this morning going over our splitting of bills and other divorce plans. However, her happy demeanor really surprised me. Im sure it was a big weight lifted from her shoulders finally verbalizing her desire. She was even talking about returning dating pool and I guy she likes which is a little cold hearted to be honest. It made me feel sad, angry, and motivated. I know I have to get myself together before I'm ready to get back out there but pain can be a hell of a motivator. I'm sorry you have had similar struggles and feel alone too. I'm always a text away if you need to blow some off some steam or vent to someone. I'm just beginning my journey back from the emotional bottom but if there is anything I can do to help you get through a rough patch just let me know.

Thinking of you during this time! I got divorced last year and the only thing you can do is focus on YOU and get better/do better for YOU! You got this! Don’t be so hard on yourself! Instead of focusing on everything wrong with you, focus on how to be a better you! :)

Fourth day from my wife walking out on me. I haven't thought about drinking. I went on a road trip to visit my sister and her family just to get out of this empty house. I've been on the juice cleanse and I've done an hour of cardio each day. I've accepted my situation that I've caused myself and I'm doing my best to move forward. I'm trying to focus on what I could do to better my situation every day. I still have ups and downs, I imagine this is going to be going on for a while. I strangely or maybe foolishly feel optimistic about the future. However, I'm a fighter and I'm going to get myself out of this hole I've put myself in. They're such a better version of me inside waiting to get out again. I wish I had this fire inside before she left. I've lied too many times about my sobriety so she's done with me completely. It was really an unhappy marriage from the get-go and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about calling it quits myself a few times. They say everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a reason for change and self-improvement. I plan on moving back home to Houston which is where we're both from. She's actually there now living with her sister but both of our familys reside there. Such a big city not a real good chance of us running into each other. I really do hope she has a good life and find somebody more compatible that will put her first. I wish the same for me. I'm trying not to harbor bad feelings, I believe if you wish negative things to others you only manifest negativity in your own life. Wish me luck y'all.

Hi, I am going through divorce too. I know how it feels. Be patient and kind with yourself. I know it’s hard even to wake up from bed some days but you can do it. Baby steps. Lots of good vibes to you

@spaklow

Hey dude. I'm the same age, and while I'm not going through a divorce, I'm feeling pretty unhappy about my marriage so I can relate a little.

Sounds like you have learned a lot. That is awesome. You've learned about what you need to do to improve yourself, you've learned how much companionship means to you, and you have affirmed that you aren't in a terrible place in life. You've got a good job (more than I can say!) and no strings, which just means more opportunities for you.

I realize that being alone can be daunting, but I think Bill Burr had some good advice:

• "Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you're married and you've got a couple kids and you got a job you hate. You'll be lying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon."

If you've got dreams and aspirations, now is the time to better yourself and chase after them.

Have you ever tried to get into a support group for your drinking problem? Have you ever tried meditation, saying affirmations or going for a walk to clear your head? I think it's great that you recognized the problem you have with alcohol. That's the first step, admitting that you have a problem. The next step is getting some professional help. I think if you work on yourself now, you will have a brighter future. Maybe this divorce is enlightening so you can improve yourself on many levels. I wish you all the best.

I don’t have any advice but here to listen. Going through a a similar situation. Married for 11 years…. Divorce is on the horizon. And I’m American and will be stuck living in France :/

I thoroughly get it. I wasn't drinking or dating. Living the single man's dream. I started dating, I started drinking. I got sober but lost the girl. I'm getting better but consider myself a motivational misfit. We'll get through this. There's always another day....and another girl. Keep your chin up.

I don’t really have an advice but would you consider exploring climbing? There are many reasons why this discipline could aid mental training which ultimately is the essential resource to overcome every psychological challenge.

if you’re interested I’d point you to the curious climber podcast episode with Arno Ilnger.

In this episode Hazel and Arno Ilgner geek out about Mental Training. They talk about lots of things including: fear of failure, fear of falling, awareness, mindfulness, following your passion is, process versus outcome, trusting the process, goal seeking, attention, connection, positive psychology, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, motivation, beliefs, imposter syndrome, politics, achievement versus learning, mental training beyond climbing - even beyond the individual, trauma.