Is there anyone out there like me?
Hello,
I stumbled onto this site in kind of a blind panic last night, but the few people I did talk to a bit seemed "like-minded" and pretty welcoming, so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm Beka, 37F (but my brain feels the same as it did when I was 17...), CIS and straight (boring, right? ;P ), diagnoses bipolar, PTSD, major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, substance abuse disorder (though I'm on the straight-and-narrow now) and ADHD. I was never formally diagnosed with autism, but I assume I'm on the spectrum somewhere as I'm a bit of an idiot savant - I'm working on my 5th post-grad degree (this one is a Master's, but I have 2 associate collegiate degrees, a bachelors degree, and a doctorat4e already), I started college when most people start high school, I've excelled in everything I've managed to focus on...but sometimes simple daily things escape me.
Everything got so much worse about 3 years ago, when I experienced my first major "triggering" event (though, really, the previous 6 months had been a nightmare in their own right), started experiencing PTSD, and then proceeded to have subsequent horrible things happen every 4-6 months, any one of which would have been sufficient to spark the PTSD by itself. My life just fell apart. I've basically been a shut-in for the past 2 years, not really working, no (functioning) car, no one to talk to. I've been hospitalized about 6 times, been on full-blown ventilation All I have to keep me busy is my online schooling and the random craziness in my head.
I feel really alone. I feel like no one could possibly understand me; after everything I've done and been through, things that I now know first-hand you may think you understand before you experience them, but you don't. I thought I understood trauma, and pain, and PTSD, and death (I'm a nurse by trade)...but I absolutely did not. But, maybe I'll get lucky and find some people here.
Thank you for reading, to anyone who does...maybe it will help some to at least put it out there and tell someone, who might "listen" and might understand. I look forward to meeting you!
i kinda relate... i started full of passion, ready to claim life. then 1 bad thing happened after the other. been sad for 2years, then sad of something else in the next.
i pushed away friendships. i dont mean to, but i suppose i grew toxic.
i downloaded this app to maybe get a less sad fate. find people who gets it... but i regret screwing my life over small things
@aJellyfish
I did (and still do) the same thing with friends...pushed them away, either because they seemed toxic or I felt like I was toxic to them. Now I'm alone.
Maybe we'll both be able to feel a little less alone on this site. Thank you for responding...I don't have friends in my life, those who "get it" or not, but just hearing from someone like you who seems to be coming from the same place helps.
@BekaD84
i relate to you alright. i went to school earlier, skipped grades, had big dreams and expectations. i got degrees alright, but grew up disillusioned in life. i'm high functioning but feel often a failure and fraud. they say it's all in our minds, and it's true, but not easy to change. sometimes, you need to lower expectations for yourself and the outside world. you also need a break and lots of success. you need to love and be loved. be spiritual. but you'll make it. I believe in you. I wish you the best!
@LostTurtle22
Thank you for your encouragement...and for saying something from I perspective I can identify with and relate to. I've been longing for that on some level; not that I think I'm some "special snowflake" or anything, but I just don't have anyone in my life who seems anything like me (I don't really have people in my life much at all right now, but even when I did, I never really had a "peer group").
The thing about needing to love and be loved...I wish for that, but sometimes I wonder if it's possible in my case. I "love" people in general, and a few family members specifically, but I've never been "in love" or had a super-close friend I'd do anything for or something. And, as far as being loved...jeez, I don't even like myself half the time, how is anyone else going to love me? More specifically, it's kind of a paradox, for someone to love me, they would have to know and understand the "real" me first. As far as that goes, I don't even know who the real me is, and the closer I've gotten to people in the past (to the point where I "let my guard down" and just say and do what I feel like instead of what I know they "want" me to do) the more we end up disliking each other. So, I don't know.
Thank you again for reading my post and responding...it helps to know there are people out there, somewhere, who are or have been where I am. It means more than you know.
@BekaD84
What we have in common is that we have been through a lot and we are still struggling.
Life itself is a struggle. We just have to make the tiny happy moments count and be grateful for them.
That's what i do if you ask me.
Life have never been easy on me. So off late i have been paying attention to the momentary happiness.
Nevertheless, i'm glad our paths crossed. I wish you good luck and all the love that you deserve ♥️
Take care!
@hardworkingKite6195
Thank you for the kind words, and just for responding. I know life is a struggle for everyone in some way, and things can be (and have been) much, MUCH worse than they are for me now...it just gets hard to fight what seems to be the same battle over and over again every day and never seem to get anywhere. Sometimes it makes me feel so helpless; my brain is supposedly my greatest - sometimes only - strength, but whether people see it or not, its also like my worst enemy. I do think you're right about trying to focus on the bright sparks that pop up every once in a while, I'm trying to work on it. I still have hope inside me somewhere.
I hope someone or something gives you a happy moment today :) .
@BekaD84
Hi Beka,
That someone you were talking about is YOU :)
Your message made me happy today!
We have this huge meeting at office today, i'm dressed in a super uncomfortable traditional attire to welcome the delegates. I'm preparing for an office audit due next week. Worried about my period which is late. Gosh, all of this at once. But i'm glad i opened Cups to peek in and saw your message first thing and it made me smile. So, thank you.
I hope you get a reason to smile today as well.
P.S. I strongly agree with you saying that our mind could be our strength as well as our greatest enemy as well. Things rings true for me as well. So, these days i'm reading books and trying to train my mind. Let's see how far i can go.
It's actually kind of crazy that I ran into your post of all things, after downloading this app. I did the same thing a few nights ago, out of a semi-desperate want to find someone like me. Felt alone and misunderstood.
I won't bore you with too many of the details in a comment, but suffice to say we have more than a few things in common. I had my own "events," we'll say, that triggered a landslide of mental issues 2 years ago. Ultimately, I became panicky, agoraphobic and closed off to the world.
So, I feel your pain on a pretty similar level. Honestly, I don't know what I expected coming here myself. But, I'm a jobless shut in with time to spare for chatting. I could benefit from connecting with someone in a similar situation, and am always available to help someone else out...the best I can. Let me know.
@BekaD84
Damn..Thts one hell of a life story..Youve been such a fighter all along. This kinda really inspires me. I just hope everything gets better for u and theres nothin but happiness ahead. I wish u a happy future:)
Hi Friends. We do have things in common. Bright prospects. Things falling apart. Loss and grief. Coping and struggle. Feeling isolated. Feeling dysfunctional. Seeking connection. It never occurred to me that my life could unravel with such speed. Maybe none of us can really understand what we've lived through. But we still have time. Let's continue meeting here and talk each other through.
people with similar history and challenges can understand themselves very well and help each other. IMHO, it's easier to help other people with similar challenges than yourself. but helping others, you'll gain insights into your own problems and come up with solutions for yourself. it's a win-win solution. Its up to you how you can do it.
I understand all of this so completely. I would love to connect and share my experiences as well. Have a great day!
You’re not alone, thanks for reaching out :)
Hey
i went through what you did
i too have several degrees and find learning easy
the last 2 years was definitely hard, and i think caused many of us to look at ourselves too closely
however, i used that time to more accurately define what im looking for in life and used the extra time due to the pandemic to move towards it closer
feel free to reach out if there’s anything you’d like to discuss
best
