Anyone with a deadbedroom here
So my husband started pushing off sexual intimacy for extended periods of times. We are at once a month and this number is likely yo get lower and lower. If you have been through this before do you have any suggestions on how to cure it. ?
Marriage as glorified roommates is what I call it. A sad existence indeed.
Not the case here, but personally as asexual I would hate if someone was forcing me. Also its probably worse cause Im autistic and stubborn to a fault. Also...maybe talk to him about it? to keep honesty and trust...
My wife seems to have lost interest over the years. Nothing has happened in the past 2 years now. She doesn't reach out to me nor does she show any interest what so ever in being intimate. I know it's unusual for a guy to admit this, but I need some "inspiration" from her for me to take an interest. And what I mean is... well, let me put it this way, I need her to show interest first, and not just always me. She even told me once in so many words that she figures if I want it, I'll come around for it. Really? Is that how it's suppose to work? Sure doesn't "turn me on" to hear her say that.
And I tell ya what, situations like this is what causes affairs to happen. I know this may not apply to everyone, because every situation is different. But generally, if wives would unselfishly take care of their husbands and not purposely withholding themselves from them, then there would be fewer husbands "jumping the fence" and ending up in someone else's field. But like I said (hoping my point is being understood), that may not apply to every home, because I know some women may be married to a jerk.
@Spearman60
I think we all need to be inspired and in long term marriage sometimes a spouse does not take the time to make you feel wanted and sexy..... not just ok........ i will read or watch TV .......
my spouse thinks rubbing my shoulder like consoling a person is a erotic move LOL ..... no effort what so ever ..............throws back a cover like the sight is inspiration enough.................
why cant people treat their spouse like they did at the beginning........ or like they would if they were trying to impress a new person....... not take them for granted and communicate what they need too
perhaps i could be more receptive but i thought i was clear saying rubbing a shoulder doe not do it for me ... he wants a list ........told him he never needed a step by step guide jus put EFFORT / remember / something.
@toughTiger6481
Yes, you're right. I was never one of those "single move" rub the shoulder types with her. I've done a lot of things to try to inspire her, but she just doesn't respond to them. For me, when something takes too much time and effort with very little "reward" in it, I just lose interest myself. I can remember literally just one time when she created the romantic evening for us. One time! She just doesn't get inspired much.
So I don't know.... I don't know what to do anymore. I've officially given up. Or maybe I need to ask her for "a list.".... LOL! Just kidding. That's kinda weird asking for a list... 😊
@Spearman60
it is worse the weird............ i know from you many posts that you have tried everything..............
i just recently laid it all out short of using props to get the point across
yes both partners should try for the other one ......... i still wonder how they can go one each day never wanting to even hold hands hug or cuddle. it is not that much to ask
@ImaginaryAioli
Hi
I spent a lot of years in a marriage that had a very dead bedroom. My experience has shown me that there are many that happen regarding that important part of a relationship that in full disclosure, have nothing to do with the partner. Discussion was attempted but to this day I don’t think I tried to push the issue because I understood that she also suffered from severe depression and trauma/ ptsd, along with other things. I have my own laundry list of issues that she wasn’t aware of and she was so wrapped up in defending herself and her family she refused to openly listen to me. After years of declining efforts on both parts we completely shut each other out.
I’m rambling, sorry. I am trying to say that I don’t know what is happening with your relationship and I also don’t know either one of you but there are hundreds of reasons for this area to be not functioning properly and it may be that it is all on his part. I am a person who has never pushed my issues and such on anyone, I internalized all issues. This happened because I don’t want to add to anyone else’s problems with my own. Maybe this is related to your problem, maybe not.
This probably doesn’t help and is way too long, sorry for rambling.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Don't apologise for telling us about your situation that's what this is for, by sharing your experiences can help some what as it makes people less alienated plus it will help you to get it out there, from what you said sounds all very familiar!
Not so sure of a cure. But men are visually stimulated. Plus men generally like competition. Some prefer to be fought for while others want to do the fighting to achieve.
Explore the roles
@Barltik2065
Though it's true that men are visually stimulated, but it would be nice if a wife would at least show some interest. Mine has no interest apparently anymore, and nothing has happened in the last 2 years. For me, it's not about getting "satisfied" but, unlike most men I suppose, I need inspiration in not just visualization, but sweetness and a personality. As I heard a female doctor once said to women wanting their husbands, she said, "If you want to catch flies, you got to spread a little honey."
Maybe I'm weird or different, but I need the sweetness and gentleness of a loving woman. A woman can be a number 10 in looks and body, but if she doesn't have the personality, then I'm not that attracted to them. When it comes to looks or personality, I'll take personality over their looks as far as being attracted to them.
@Spearman60 yes i agree I'm exactly the same as you on that this, beauty really is only skin deep.
A dead bedroom?... yes, we have one here at my home. It's frustrating. I want intimacy and... well, you know. I'm just not understanding this. Every day routine, and she shows no interest at all. It's always up to me to make the first move and make it happen. Yet with her, there is no proactive part about her to make it happen. It hasn't happened for 2 years now. A dead bedroom? Certainly is!
So what is a guy to do? When you pump and try to prime a pump so many times, it gets exhausting. It would be nice if the pump just sprang up once in a while with it's own water. (I know, that was a weird analogy.)
All she does is read her books and keeps to herself. She comes home from work, gives me a look or just goes about her routine without a word to me unless I say something. She expects me to initiate EVERYTHING! Conversations, minor decisions around the house and even any and all levels of intimacy.
I am really struggling trying to stay away and not think about an affair with someone else. But if an opportunity presents itself, I'm not sure if I would be strong and disciplined enough to walk away from it. Am I bad for feeling this way? Is living with a dead bedroom for the rest of my life just the way it is?
"Get a divorce!" is the advice of some. But at this stage of life, it's not that easy. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I might just pack up and run away and just let her have it all... who knows.
Maybe she would just be happier if she would just pack up and leave. Sometimes I wished she would. She doesn't seem to be happy with me at all. I'm not that hard to get along with really. I'm pretty easy going most of the time. I don't know. Tonight I'm just in a mood where I'm just sick of it all. Guess I'll get over it and be somewhat okay again, but then it will hit me again and I'll come on here and whine some more. Sorry... just don't have anywhere else to vent and blow off steam.
@Spearman60
Spearman your not alone my friend and don't apologize for venting here. This is a great place to let it out .... that's why I'm here. I need a place that has support and no judgement. I think I'm just really done with the lack of intimacy and emotional support in my relationship. God knows I've tried. I desperately want connection and feel like I'm so stuck.
Understanding your plight
ABB
@ImaginaryAioli maybe you can ask him if something is stressing him out?
This is a big problem from the looks of this thread. Its a problem for my relationship also. We've been married for decades. My partner is older by about 8 years and I am still interested in having fun in the bedroom but he is not so much anymore. To add to this down turn in our relationship recently hes been diagnosed with prostate cancer and is going to radiation and also taking Testosterone lowering hormone shots as it feeds the cancer. I feel like the universe is against me in this pursuit of intimate relations with him. I am frustrated by all these challenges and I have been trying for 3 years to get to a better place in this and then he gets diagnosed with a big health issue. I am so sad about it. I want to live not just waste away . I am not that old yet. I feel so lonely and its not a subject you can talk to just anyone about. God help me I want a boyfriend but I feel terrible about admitting this. He deserves someone faithful and devoted and can be tough and deal with the latest health issue. I am struggling too. ( he doesnt try to initiate anything )
Your not alone and I hope theres a solution to all this.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Yes it is a very big issue and i found a site that is all about it and first place i have been able to talk about it without judgmental and people who simply not living with it and cannot understand.
@toughTiger6481
Thanks tiger. I'd like that link . I'm desperate to find some happiness before I leave earth....
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
https://iliasm.org/ ILIASM stands for I live in a sexless marriage.
No offense to people here some are great in sharing to empathize but far too many think simple suggestions like we have not tried ALL of them already is not helpful and only made me mad. the other site peopel all really get it and have really validated my feelings about the whole thing.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you tiger I appreciate your sharing.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
I haven't been on here for a while, but busy with life I guess. I can relate to what you're going through too. I want happiness and fulfillment for the remaining years I have on this earth too. But I struggle with that due to my wife's lack of interest and intimacy. She still doesn't have much of an interest in the bedroom. I just keep busy with other things and try not to think about it much, but it's a challenge and a struggle. I feel I'm stuck too. Don't feel like much is going to change.
@Spearman60
It's been really lonely in this relationship for a long time ... I'm just realizing in the last few years that there's no real emotional connection which is something I really need. That emotional support leads to physical intimacy. Although I can't get any of that no matter what....I am trying to put myself out in the world staying busy with whatever I can . I really would like to exit this situation. I feel like I'm dyying inside. I need real connection, love, & a physical relationship. How did I get to this?? Ugh . I know that it's never too late but it feels like it.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
I can definitely identify with what your saying there. I totally understand. There's not a lot of emotional connection between her and I either.
She once told me in so many words that if I wanted intimacy in the bedroom she figured I'd come get it. And I thought... what is she reduced herself down to, a tool on the shelf? That's not how this is supposed to work. It's supposed to be a two-way street. But it hasn't always been that way with her. It's something that will never happen unless I initiate it.
And I do the same thing as I keep myself busy with my hobbies and my work to kind of help fill that void. I don't know what the answers are cuz I can't change her unless she's willing to change and make things better. We've had numerous conversations about this in the past and it gets us nowhere. She is who she is and what she's become and I just wish things were different.
Listen I feel for you and I understand what you're going through cuz I'm going through the same thing. Again I just wish there was some answers. 😊
@Spearman60
I agree , What to do? It's such an alone feeling. I'm afraid I'm going to fall so to speak ...
I'm sorry you relate to this situation.
I did take myself out to dinner alone. It was nice chatting with the other ppl around me . Take yourself out sit at the bar buy yourself a nice dinner. I went to an expensive classy place . I call it self care lol...
ABB ☺️
@amiableBlackberry92
I've done that a couple of times. But sometimes it makes me feel lonely... 😊
Self care is what I try to focus on. My hobbies and personal interests helps me quite a bit. I just long for true companionship with someone who truly cares for me. I long for a wife to really be interested in what I do and compliment me in it. Guess its a man thing... we like affirmation. She's never been one to do that much for me, which is not a big issue... it's mostly the lack of real intimacy. Sometimes I feel stuck in where I am, and no way out.
I work by myself in my business and don't really have any real friends to hang with, which doesn't help. I've kinda given up on expecting her to change. She is who she is. Just wished I realized it more earlier in life... 😊
Go on a trip together
